The Persistence of Memory

Chapter Twenty Three

When I open my eyes to look at him he's smiling a little. "Whatever you want," I
nod. You're the PR man."

"So, we're agreed that we don't have another thirteen years of moping over her then?"

"We?" I raise an eyebrow as I take another sip of my coffee.

"I feel like I've been moping over her with you. Seriously, try someone else on for size mate. Just for a change. Not like you're short on fucking offers."

"Yeah." I look down. "Tried that once already remember?"

"I remember," he nods. "Actually speaking of which..."

"What?" I frown.

He shifts in his chair and runs a hand over his mouth. "Weird coincidence actually, but I got a call from Leah last night."

I feel my eyebrows knot together. "Why would she call you?"

"She was looking for you. You've changed your number," he says as though it explains a single fucking thing. "She wanted to talk to you about some show she's doing for The Donmar Warehouse. She thought you might be interested in it. In working with her. She never gave any details, just wanted me to 'test the water'. She said not to worry if you weren't interested, or too busy, or still a massive complicated dick."

I smile. "She said that?"

He nods. "Told her you were definitely still a massive complicated dick but I'd mention it to you anyway."

"Which you have."

"So what will I tell her?"

I run a hand over the back of my neck. "Tell her I'll give her a call when I get home." I decide.

Pat drums his fingers on the table studying me while I quietly finish my coffee. I'm hoping the whiskey will win out over the caffeine because I want to slip into a drink induced coma in the air.

"For what it's worth," he starts. Oh, here we go. "Even though the project sounds interesting, and despite what I said earlier about moving on, I don't think moving onto your ex is the answer to getting over the love of your life. Just putting it out there." He gives me a look of warning.

"Oh, you don't? Well, what the hell am I gonna do now? Fuck, honestly who knows what I'd do without you mate." I roll my eyes.

"I'm serious, Aidan."

I sigh. "I know you are Pat. And I have no desire to shite all over her again so you've got nothing to worry about." And I mean it. I'm in an even worse place now than I was then probably. How I left things with Leah still makes me feel guilty. It's on my long list of things I regret. I don't regret being with her necessarily, just how I'd dealt with it. With her. I'd convinced myself from day one that she was temporary simply because she wasn't Eloise. It was ridiculous. Who knows if I could have been happy with her if I'd let her in.

I have too many fucking regrets. I'm weighed down with them and I want to be done with them. How many more could I carry?

Did it mean anything that she'd gotten in touch right at this point, though? Now that I was about to finally let Eloise go. I can't think about that right now. My head is full. Full of memories and regrets. But I need to figure out how to be done with them.

My mind starts to wander through which ones I regret most. I should have told Eloise I loved her. That I'd loved her my whole adult life. But I'd been a coward. I'd been terrified it would have made no difference to her. Terrified it would have made a difference. But in the end, it hadn't mattered either way. Because she loved her husband. Yes, of course I love you.