Fire & Ice

Chapter Fifteen

"Portia! Stop!" Falling to my side, I got up and went to the window, needing to remove myself completely.

She sat up, leaning on her elbows as she stared at me.

"What's the matter?" she asked, her gaze traveling across me, longingly.

"Don't look at me like that." Hating that I sounded so gruff with her, I turned and opened the window, leaning out, attempting to catch my breath and cool down some.

I could hear her moving around, but still flinched when she placed her hand on my shoulder. "Don't touch me," I snapped, immediately feeling the hurt course through her. Tremors rippled through me. She honestly was completely oblivious to what she was causing me to experience.

"Portia, I love you more than anything in the world, but if you know what's best for you, I suggest you get back into the bed and cover yourself."

She didn't move, her stare boring into my back.

"Now!" I added, gritting my teeth as every muscle in my body clenched, wanting to grab her and drag her to the bed with me. I didn't care if her parents were in the same house with us. I wanted her.

This time she did as I asked, but remained silent, waiting while I continued to stare at the night sky, trying desperately to regain my composure. Several minutes ticked by before I finally felt calm enough to turn and face her again, finding her holding her cat and watching me closely. I didn't dare go to her, even though I wanted to.

Leaning against the sill, I folded my arms. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to lose control like that."

"I'm sorrier, then. I wanted to lose control like that." She locked her eyes on mine. "I'm even more sorry you stopped."

"Portia, I'd like nothing better than to give you what you want. You don't understand." Shaking my head, a tormented sounding laugh escaped me.

"Then enlighten me, please." She didn't sound happy at all.

Memories of Amber crept into my head, bringing all the guilt they held with them. Inadequacy overwhelmed me. What the hell was I doing here? Wasn't this exactly what I swore I'd avoid? My thoughts ate at me while I clenched my jaw. I need to tell her.

"The reason's two-fold," I began, maintaining eye contact with her. "The first one being I just pledged myself to you in a binding ceremony where I promised to keep you pure and never lure you into evil."

"You think making love to me would be evil?" Her jaw was slack, her face a mask of disbelief.

Already I was making a mess of things. "No. Never." Leaving the window, I sat on the edge of the bed and took her by the hands. "I want to do it right." I sighed, hoping she'd be receptive to what I was about to tell her. "I want to share something with you, okay?"

She nodded hesitantly, her eyes filling with trepidation.

"When I was on the run, I never knew from one moment to the next if I was going to be in the same place at the same time the next day. I never had time to cultivate real relationships with the people I met. But there was one time when we'd been able to stay put for a few months, and I started making some friends. I even had a steady girlfriend."

Portia's mouth flattened and I experienced her flare of jealousy before she calmed.

"One night we were at a bonfire party on the beach. This girl and I, we snuck off together into the dark. We made out with each other in the sand, for what seemed like hours, until my body was so on fire I thought I wouldn't be able to control myself a minute longer. I decided right then I was going to sleep with her. She was more than willing, and so was I."