Rocks of Pleasure: I'm Hot but You're Cold

3 - The Past

Maaga akong nagising. I looked at the clock beside our bed and it's just 4:00 a.m. Ang aga-aga pero ang bilis-bilis ng tibok ng puso ko. Ewan ko ba... Basta ngayon masaya ako. Sobrang saya ko. Kahit na parang medyo away ata ang nangyari sa amin kagabi, or maybe not? Basta, masaya ako kasi for the first time, we had sex on our anniversary.

Siguro magtataka kayo kung bakit iyon lang ay masaya na ako. Well, just like what I said, it's the first time ever. Every anniversary kasi namin, hindi s'ya umuuwi. Siguro kung hindi ko s'ya nakita kagabi, baka ibang babae na naman ang kasama n'ya gayong anniversary pa naman namin. Kahapon ko lang naman talaga s'ya nakitang may kasamang babae ng anniversary namin. Basta kasi kapag anniversary namin, wala s'ya. Basta hindi s'ya umuuwi. And I don't have to wonder why dahil alam ko naman ang dahilan. 

Kaya nga ang saya-saya ko ngayon. Answered prayer na ata ito. Ito na ata ang sign. Limang taon na kaming kasal at walang kahit anong ipinagbago ang pakikitungo n'ya sa akin. I think what happened last night is a MAJOR, MAJOR improvement. Siguro iyon na ang sign na hinihintay ko.

Sa hirap naman kasi ng pagsasama namin, hindi n'yo naman siguro ako masisisi kung paminsan-minsan, naiisip ko na rin na sukuan na ang relationship namin. Sumasagi na rin sa isip ko na maybe it would be better kung maghiwalay na kami. Because there is no love between us. Or, maybe it's better to say, because he doesn't love me, and I doubt he ever will.

  

Just as I was about to give up on us, saka naman nangyari ito. Para bang sinasabi sa akin na, no, don't give up yet. May pag-asa pa. And now, I am filled with happiness. Maybe this is it. Siguro kahit papaano, kahit konti, nagbago na ang damdamin n'ya sa akin. Siguro may pag-asa na... pag-asang mamahalin n'ya rin ako.

Bumangon na ako kahit maaga pa naman. Medyo masakit pa ang katawan ko pero mas nangingibabaw ang excitement ko. I feel like I have been fueled up. Mas gusto kong maging mabuting asawa ngayon. Mas gusto kong ipadama na mahal ko s'ya. Mas gusto ko ngayon ipakita sa kanya that I am not a bad wife at all, and that I can be the only one he needs.

  

I just wore a robe then went to the kitchen. Sinimulan ko ng maghiwa ng kung ano-ano. Ever since, cooking has been my passion. I remembered back then when I was still single, how I promised I would cook delicious foods for my husband every day. Well, I did cook for him for the first two years of our marriage. Every single day, every morning and every night. But never, ever, did he even taste the food I cooked.

Napabuntong-hininga na lang ako sa mga ala-alang 'yon. How every morning I would wake up early and cook food for him, and everytime he would just look at them with disgust and leave. It did hurt me everytime pero I thought, maybe he just doesn't want the food. So I would always cook another dish the next time. But the same thing happened and happened and happened for two years. Imagine that. I never cooked the same dish for him because I always thought he didn't like the food I made. Hanggang sa one day wala na talaga akong ibang maisip na dish...

Joke! Actually, it was until one day when I found out why he hated me so much. It wasn't the food that was the problem. It was me. Because I am someone he would never learn to love. Because I am someone he would always hate.