Heaven Is

Big Brother, Little Sister

Molson

"You're actually going to marry him?" Rick asks me.

It's been a couple weeks since Sav proposed to me. Sav is at his parents with May and I decided to visit my brother.

"Yeah, I love him." I say and he smiles.

"He loves you to." Rick assures me. "Did I ever tell you how he dealt with you--did you guys actually break up? Anyways, after you hung up on him that day. The last time you talked to him."

"No, I don't think you did." I say shaking my head.

"Well, we had all knew what had happened. We all told him to call you and he went to his room and called you. When he didn't come back for a couple of hours we figured something was wrong." Rick starts. "We went to check on him and he was bawling his bloody eyes out. Saying that he lost the best thing that ever happened to him. He was like that for a couple of days. After that, he just kinda stopped talking. Sav did the shows, drank like a fish, then went to bed. About a month after you left, we were all sitting in a coffee shop and he just got up and left, rather abruptly. When I asked him about it later on, he said that he didn't put enough cream in his coffee and that he saw your eyes in the cup."

I'm completely speechless. I honestly thought that he would've forgot about me in a heartbeat. I was just some girl, I thought. I never realized that I caused him so much pain. Not saying it was painless for me. Every time they'd come on the radio or tv, I'd start to cry.

"He never actually came out and said that he knew I was talking to you but I know that he knew. Sav would say things like 'you'd tell her that I loved her' or 'I hope she's happy', saying it so causally. That's why I always reminded you, I was just relying his message." Rick explains. "In two years, he couldn't have a steady relationship. You were always on his mind. You became such a fixture that he was able to work like that, I don't know what we would've done if he couldn't have worked."

"I thought about him everyday, I never stopped thinking about him. I was always debating on calling him. Every time I walked past a garden, every time you were in tv or the radio, after May was born it was ever time I looked at May. I lived life without him and I never want to go through that again, it nearly killed me the first time." I admit and Rick smiles.

"I honestly think you're soulmates." He says and I shrug.

"Maybe." I agree. "I've got a question for you."

"Question away." Rick smirks.

"When we do get married, since my dad is, well, you know. I was wondering if you'd walk me down the aisle?" I question with my eyes darting around the room.

"I'd be honoured. But I'd have to be on your right." He laughs and I smile.

"You remember the first day we met?" I wonder and Rick laughs again.

"All too well." Rick admits. "I heard a weird accent, got my head stuck in a fence, I'd say it was a good day." I laugh. "Remember breaking your arm?"

"Yes but I also remember little three year old you, waiting up until I got home from the hospital." I smile.

"Had to make sure my little sister was okay." He assures me.

"I'm ten months older than you." I remind him.

"So what? I'm five inches taller than you." Rick tries and I laugh.

"Fair enough." I smile.

"You know if Sav hurts you again, I'll kill him right?" Rick wonders and I smile.

"You say that but you didn't the last time." I tease.

"That was only because you were pregnant and told me to be good." He reminds me.

"Okay, okay, fair enough." I smile.

"When do you think you're going to get married?" Rick wonders and I shrug.

"I want to get married but not right away." I say and he looks at me confused.

"Okay, why don't you tell me what's really worrying you." He sees through my facade.

"It just been going so good. I'm scared of it screwing up again. I love him but I'm scared of getting hurt. I'm scared of May getting hurt. I'm scared that this is all happening too fast. I just don't want to lose him." I say and try to stop the tears that threaten to fall. I fail miserably at that.

I wipe the tears away as quickly as they fall, but they fall in a constant stream and I struggle to stay a float. I feel like I'm drowning from the inside out. I hate feeling so much. Acting like you don't have a heart is the only way not to get hurt, but having a heart and feeling pain is what makes us human. I wish I was a robot.

The candor behind it all is, I'm scared of being candor. I'm scared of being completely honest and open. Because when you're that open, someone can hurt you. That's what marriage is, trusting someone that much. Everyone I've ever loved and been open with has had something bad happen to them, I'm scared that I'm the reason it's all happening.

"You love him, right?" Rick asks a very stupid question.

"With all my heart." I admit quietly.

"Then what are you really scared of?" He wonders.

"Losing him." I admit.

"Then listen to your big brother. He won't hurt you, it nearly killed him the last time." Rick tells me. "Theres too much on the line, too much to lose. You and May are his whole world. Bass and the band comes second. You're his main priority."

"I believe you." I saw and Rick smiles.

"So, you're going to marry him?" Rick asks again.

"Yes, I'm going to marry him." I smile.

"Good. He's good for you and you're good for him." Rick tells me.