Heaven Is

More Pain

May Rose Beaumont was born February 14th 1982. I thought about using Savage as a last name but thought it would be too confusing with her father not in her life. I named her after the May flowers, my father told me about after April showers and after Sav telling me it could also mean so much pain can bring so much joy. She has brown hair like me but has her dad's beautiful blue eyes. I see Sav in her and it kills me, she's two years old, nearly three. I love her.

I haven't seen Sav or talked to Sav since that night in '81. I talk to Rick all the time, he's always been a big brother and still is. Sav doesn't know about May, I'm scared for the day he finds out. I don't want him to know about her unless he wants to be in her life.

I got a job as a local reporter and Karlie got a job as a hair dresser. Karlie loves May as much as I do and is like a second mum to her. We're a happy family.

December 31, 1984

I come down stairs to see May playing on the floor with her blocks. She sees me and smiles.

"Mommy!" May gets up from her toys and runs to me. I pick her up and kiss her.

"Hi May Flower, where's Auntie Karlie?" I say and she points to the kitchen.

"She's making breakfast." May smiles.

"Well let's go get breakfast." I say carrying her into the kitchen.

Karlie is making pancakes, cussing at the pan. I sit May in her chair and grab her some juice in her sippy cup. May's big blue eyes sparkle like her dad's did. She reminds me of Sav in so many ways, more ways than she reminds me of myself.

I look at the clock as I hand May her cup. I kiss her forehead. It's nearly two in the afternoon, I look over at Karlie.

"Pancakes at two o'clock in the afternoon?" I wonder and she smirks.

"Well if you didn't sleep all day we could eat when we're supposed to." Karlie smiles and I sigh.

I had nightmares most of the night. Flashing memories of my parents' death, the doctor telling me I was pregnant, Sav telling me he cheated on me, the pain of childbirth kept me up most of the night. Most of all, me standing over my baby's body, my baby's lifeless body. My worst fear.

The phone rings and Karlie gets it, I sit down beside May and kiss her cheek. I look over to Karlie who has a look of pure shock on her face. I've only seen it once before, when she found out I was pregnant.

"Kar, what's wrong?" I call and she holds out the phone to me.

I get up from my seat and go over to the phone. I hold it up to my ear. It's Rick's mum.

"Hello." I say and I hear sobbing.

"It's Rick, love. He's hand an accident." His mum cries. "He's lost his arm, they say he could die!"

I go numb again. Rick, my brother, could die. I lose my balance and lean against the counter. Tears stream down my cheeks. I could lose Rick. No. I can't lose him, he's all the family I have left.

"Why is mommy crying?" May wonders and I wipe my face.

"I'm on the next flight." I say as strong as I can. "I'll see you soon Mrs. Allen."

I look up from the phone and straight to Karlie and May.

"We're going to London." I say.

I look at Rick's nearly lifeless body. I hold onto his hand tightly, the doctors said he could hear me, I just don't know what do say to him. It's about eleven o'clock in the morning, I've been here for hours. Karlie and May are at my grandparents, sleeping I suppose. I can't even dream of sleeping, all I can think about is Rick.