Come Off Anon (joshler)

. Chapter Five .

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H OW HT E f UKC THANKS OMG ILY ALL

anyways enjoy

{Tyler's pov}

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School started this week. And I don't care how many teacher you put in my face to say 'this is gonna be a great year!' because I KNOW it won't be. It never is. The sun hasn't shown its face at all today. It hasn't come out for the past 3 days. That's not good. That means nothing can be happy. I mean, nothing can be truly happy without the sun up in the sky.
Life hasn't been good. Life's actually been pretty shitty to me. And you know things are bad when I swear, because swearing usually seems unnecessary to me. I haven't thought about wanting to die yet, so I guess it's not that bad, but I'm starting to feel sad again.

I don't feel like writing anymore, I actually feel more like crying. But I don't, because like I said before, crying makes me feel out of control with myself. I try thinking about Josh again, but he hasn't messaged me in while, so it only makes me sadder.

I slowly slip into my thoughts of guilt as minutes pass.

Why can't I be normal? You know, only attracted to girls like my brothers? Why do I look at boys and get the same feelings as other boys when they look at girls?

My parents have said that they'll accept me no matter what, but I don't believe them. I hear the forced sincereness in their voices. Once I tell them I'm probably gay, I can already hear my mom crying, the yelling from my dad. The taunting from my brothers.

I'm crying now. Hard. And I hate myself for it.

Josh Josh Josh, just think about Josh. He cares about you. I attempt to ease my sobs with these thoughts, but the bad ones intrude quickly.

No he doesn't. He doesn't care about you. He's faking this for notes. He thinks you're annoying. These battling thoughts quickly invade the remaining happy ones.

  Before I can gather myself again, I realize that it's dark out. I didn't appreciate day time enough. It couldn't have been a very good day time, since the sun never came out. But now nothing but a few meek stars and pure black night sky was painted on my window and I felt drained. 

I miss when I used to look forward to the night. I used to take in how beautiful it was, it was when my mind was always more lively, jumping with thoughts.

Now I fear it. It's when I drown in my thoughts and I can't rest.

Grabbing my phone and sniffling, rubbing my puffy, post-tears eyes, I type out a vague, short message to Josh before attempting to rest my violent mind.

I'm trying. But I can't.