Speak [ phan ]

chapter thirteen

And now he's completely empty of everything except pain.

***

Dan feels like shit, and it's only Tuesday morning.

He has reached the point where his phone remains switched off in his bag, only there for emergencies or talking to his family. At school, he only sits with Bethany - the only friend he hasn't cut off due to her lack of friends - and if Bethany isn't in his class, he'll sit by himself.

First period math is never fun. First period math alone is worse. But first period math alone after a night of watching your life fall apart slowly and realising that there's nothing you can do to stop it is Dan's version of living hell. Hell because it is literally hell, and living because Dan is living it right now.

And then Phil comes along to make it ten times worse.

"Is anyone sitting here?" Phil asks hopefully, nodding to the vacant desk beside Dan, where Dan hopes anyone but will sit.

His dark fringe is neat, his blue eyes innocent and his bright green jumper all screaming 'I have a great life and I'm an intact human being', which makes Dan even more annoyed with everything. Dan sighs, looking up at Phil and nodding, hoping he will just walk away.

"So yes I can sit here?" Phil asks, his smile dropping as Dan shakes his head rapidly, but he pulls out the chair and sits anyway, making Dan sigh in defeat.

"I'm sitting here anyway, I mean, it's no one's chair, it doesn't have anyone's name on it! I don't have to ask for permission to sit there, and I don't need your permission to sit here!" Phil says, rambling on as he turns and faces Dan.

Dan rolls his eyes, opening his math book before turning away from Phil, waiting for the class to start. Dan taps his pen on the desk impatiently, waiting for the rest of the class and for the teacher to arrive.

"Dan please talk to me! Tell me what I did! I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said those things I wasn't thinking. But you still shouldn't have punched my brother, but what I said was really bad. I'm sorry please forgive me! I'm worried about you, so is Connor and everyone else Dan," Phil says, rambling on but Dan isn't listening, and Phil seems to notice this.

When Phil realizes he's talking to the back of Dan's head, he sighs, but reaches out and grabs onto Dan's shoulder, whirling him around to face Phil, who makes one last attempt to talk to Dan.

"Dan don't ignore me! Please! You need help, you need a friend!" Phil says desperately.

Dan rips out a blank page of his math book, scribbling a note and handing it to Phil, who unfolds it, frowning at the short sentence Dan wrote him.

'And what I DON'T need is your pity.'

Phil stares at the note, a frown forming on his face and his blue eyes flashing with hurt, before he sighs and slips the note in his pocket. Luckily, the lesson starts, giving both Dan and Phil something else to focus on rather than the friendship they used to have and where it went wrong.

After a torturous hour of maths followed by a not as but still torturous hour of legal, Dan is well and truly drained, even though it's only the first break. He sighs, only picking at his lunch, avoiding eye contact with Bethany, who is also strangely quiet.

Dan's thoughts drift to Quinn, who has gone back to school. Is he okay? What's he doing right now? What if he's getting bullied?

Dan can't help but feel a hint of protectiveness and responsibility for Quinn as his older brother, but he feels like he can't fulfill his role. He can't argue with him, yell at him, banter with him, tell him to get lost, laugh with him, joke with him, tease him, stick up for him... Basically, Dan feels he can't be the older brother Quinn deserves and needs and he hates it.