My Story

My First Kiss

All my life I had fantasised about my first kiss. I had imagined what it would feel like to place my lips on someone else's, linking my tongue with another. At first, I had only thought about the romantic side of kissing, the idea that someone would sweep me off my feet and fall desperately in love with me. As I got older, kissing became fuelled by a tingling sensation throughout my body. A feeling of longing and magic. I was confused about the way my body began to lust for boys. But not all boys, just the ones that made my tummy flip and my knees wobble. I still thought that a kiss would be special, and would lead only to love.

I stood in the darkness leaning against the cold metal bars of the climbing frame. The excitement and anxiety of what would happen next, charged through my body, and I kept thinking this was not how I had imagined my first kiss to be.  In the cold, shrouded in darkness, in a children's park felt smutty and dirty, and not in the least bit romantic. 

I felt his presence, and heard his heavy breathing, and I was lost for words. He leant towards me, 'I've always fancied you', he whispers and I can feel the moistness of his breath against my skin. Suddenly he moves his mouth onto mine and it is hard and bristled where the beginnings of a moustache shadow his lips. Our teeth clunk together and I move my head sideways in an attempt to stop the suffocating stench of his breath. Tobacco clings to my taste buds and there is a residue of sweet apple cider on his saliva. I feel quite sick at the thought of our bodily fluids exchanging. He looks at me, his nose almost touching mine and asks me what's wrong. 'Nothing' I reply in a chirpy voice. I can't tell him I've never done this before, so I pretend that everything is ok. 

He dives in again and before I can gather my thoughts his hand is up my top and squeezing my nipple. The pain is sharp and sore, and I wonder if he realises how much he is hurting me. I place my hand over his and say I'm not ready. He stops again and I can sense his annoyance. 'Are you teasing me?' He asks. I'm so confused I don't know what to say, and I wonder if this is what it is meant to feel like. Then he smiles and kisses my face, starting at the cheeks, gently moving across my skin as lightly as a butterfly. This is much nicer I think to myself, and when he reaches my mouth I part my lips and allow his tongue to dart into mine. It still feels awkward, and there is too much spit, but I let him do it because he is much more gentle. It feels more romantic and I begin to kiss him back like I've seen in the movies. He presses himself against me and I can feel him solid and hard against my thigh. My body jolts with sexual tension and suddenly I want him more. I can feel myself burning hot inside and just like imagined I become full with desire. Our bodies begin to bang against each other as he tries to create friction between us. suddenly he undoes his own belt and then it is out there, swollen and erect. I've no idea what to do with it and he places my hand against him and pulls the skin up and down. It is too erratic and I want him to slow down. I pull my hand away, but he brings it back again. I take my hands and place them around is skinny waist instead. Then he pushes his hand up my skirt and immediately slides his finger past my knickers and inside me. I'm so surprised that I pull back and shout at him to stop. 'Not like this,' I say. But he covers his mouth over mine. 

The romance is gone, and when he darts his tongue in and out of my mouth it makes me want to gag. 'I think we should go back now', I say, stepping away from the steel bars, so that he can no longer push up against me. I feel so confused. One minute I like it, then I don't, but most of all I really want to please him. He grabs my hand and pulls me towards him, laughing at me. "I can't go back yet, I'm rock hard!' I trip and stumble to my knees, and I feel the sharp burn of the cement against my skin. He grabs my head and pulls my face against his bulging penis. He bounces against my lips and asks me to suck it. When I open my mouth to speak he slides it in and I choke as it hits the back of my tonsils. With my hair wrapped in his fingers he pulls me back and forth and my eyes are watering. Within seconds my mouth fills with a gross warm liquid and he lets me go, pulls me to my feet and kisses me quickly on the cheek. 'That was amazing Sam', he smiles at me. I feel sick, and dirty. We walk back into the spotlight under the street lamps, his arm casually placed across my shoulders and we are greeted by wolf whistles and taunts. When asked what we did, Robert merely smiles at me and winks. I smile back, but it is more like a grimace. 

I take my seat next to Sam, but I can feel the tension between us. She doesn't look at me, and when I ask her if we can go home she ignores me. I feel so disgusting, like he has not just invaded my body, but also my innocence. I can feel the tears brimming, and I desperately want to get out of there. With my head lowered it is difficult to look around at the group, and I'm grateful for the darkness that I can sink into. Leaning back I can feel the smooth edges of a glass bottle lying on the floor next to me. I can just about make out the jagged swirls of the letters identifying it as some foreign brand of cheap vodka. I twist the top off and swig from the contents, burning my throat as it goes down and I choke against the harsh taste. Within a minute my belly feels warm and I swig more to take my mind off the memories of what just happened. The game is forgotten as I lay in a slump. I can hear the laughter and the occasional poke against my skin as they try to wake me, but I can't respond. I am lost in an abyss of muggy thoughts, and the world is swimming.