Angel With A Shotgun. [ Carl Grimes ]

~*Trigger Me Pt. 2*~

Chapter Seventeen: Trigger Me Pt. 2
[warning: contains memories of abuse and mentions suicide]

Laedi's Point of View

I've been gone and haven't slept for a week. There are bags under my eyes heavier than the problems I've been trying to avoid whilst staying out in this unsafe wilderness. I haven't eaten in 4 days as well as no water in 3. It's almost as if I can feel my senses giving up on me. The smell of rotting flesh used to never make me flinch, now I throw up at even the thought of it. Groans in the distance seem faint and far away, then suddenly, there's a Walker next to me. My grey eyes have faded into an almost black shade or at least that's what it looks like in the river I passed by earlier. Or was that yesterday... see, even my own sense of time has been slipping away. The skin on my hands remain infinitely freezing; I barely have a grip on things - literally and figuratively. I don't even remember what food tastes like. Walking, running and hiding is the only thing I can do from here on out.

This struggle for survival will be for nothing. I know it.

It's times like these wherein I usually turn to my thoughts for guidance... but slowly and surely, I'm losing my mind. Voices of my mother - telling me I'm a good for nothing bitch that was the worst thing she's ever made - echo at the back of my head, down my spine, as if she's scolding me to sit up straight because visitors are coming. Strong winds during the evening feel like the belt my father used to beat my with. Whenever I look down at my arms, I wonder if the red marks on them were from my father or from my nails, trying to grip onto something. Every leaf I crush with my boots is the sanity I have left. The more I walk or run, the more I drive myself insane. My body has shifted to neutral except for in the presence of Walkers. Then, I am a full-blown escaped convict on a revenge mission. Their blood laced my fingertips like diamond rings. I felt like the world's sickest millionaire.

     Then, it all comes back in bits and pieces. The sight of Walkers I've killed, the sound of my dad's belt, the stench of the dinner my mom always cooked for my dad and never me, the crimson blood pouring between my teeth after beatings. And that's when I start running again.

I ran and ran and ran. I've used my gun this past week but I always kept one or two bullets for myself. This so-called survival had to end. I just kept on prolonging my torture with every intake of breath and heartbeat. During my run, I started crying and screaming and falling onto the ground because I'm an absolute idiot. But did I give a single shit? No, I did not. "Come get me! I don't care anymore." I yelled out, followed by more words that were being screamed at a void of nothingness.

Suddenly, there were groans.

My eyes widened and then there was a hand on my shoulder. Shrugging it off, I picked myself up and shot the Walker.
One bullet left.
More and more of them started flooding into my weakened line of sight. I pushed past one of them and dug the butt of my gun into its brain. This trend continued until I managed to run away from them. When I was entirely sure that there were no more threats, I started walking to catch my breath... until a Walker that sat by a tree clung onto my leg, making me drop my gun. The sounds that came out of my mouth were a mix of sobs and screams. My knee kept hitting its chin in an attempt to get it off of me except it only helped it climb higher and higher up to my chest. I held it over my face using whatever strength was left in my arm. Looking around me, my eyes landed on the gun with the single bullet in it, my hand grabbing the handle. Then, I put a bullet in whatever was left over of its brain.

   Wait, that bullet was supposed to be for me.

This was the first time I wanted a Walker to still be alive. I stupidly tried shaking it awake, forcing it to take a bite of my shoulder. "No, no, no, no," tears start prickling my eyes with only a few escaping. I pushed it off of me, seeing it lifeless once more. "God dammit!" I shouted in frustration, plunging my gun into his face until it turned to red pulp. "That was supposed to be for me! I wanted this to end. I WANTED TO DIE. I WANT IT TO JUST FUCKING END ALREADY." I screech with every stab.

     Taking the gun between my lips, I kept chanting, "Just make it end, please. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to die, I want to die, I want to die..." My finger pulled on the trigger over and over until I threw the gun away and sank down to the floor again. Crunchy leaves pricked my tear-stained cheeks. "I just want it to end. I want to die. I want to die. I want to -"

"Laedi?" I opened my eyes, seeing familiar blonde strands hanging above me. Beth peeled my body off the ground and brushed the dirt away. "Are you okay? Oh my god, Laedi, we've been looking for you. Carl's been looking for you." She rants on. Her pale arms wrap around me and pull me towards the prison that was shining in broad daylight. "But wait, wait," I turn back to try and get the gun, but my dizzy head along with the swift happenings of today made me black out.

~*~

HEY it's been 4-5 months and i got some inspiration to write so i did :-) sry this is sort of just a filler chapter but laedi's back yay ! i promise i'll write the next chapter as soon as i can, tho it'll be quite tough since school's back D; hint for the next one: it gets pretty intense + a less bitchy and more vulnerable side of em so that's pretty exciting hehe

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- Lysandra/Lizzie :]