If Only...

IN A NUTSHELL

"You said that like it's a bad thing."

"Did I?" I bite my lip.

I don't even know what I've just said. The wheels are turning upstairs.

"Would you marry Danny if he asks?"

Oh, God! She said it!

I've managed not to say the actual words even once even in my mind and she had to say it.

"I don't know . . ."

I drawl miserably and put my head against the table, wrapping my arms around it.

Would I? It's not like he's asked, but . . . Could I talk to Rosie about it first? I'll have to if it came up. This is a big step. And if I could manage to talk to her, would she say yes? Would I say yes?

Oh, mommy. What should I do? . . .

"Okay, get up."

Stella smacks my arm and I lift my head up to see her shuffle to her feet.

"You can brood about it later."

She tugs at my arm now, standing me up.

"What are you doing?"

"I'm taking you out to give you a proper celebration."

"N--"

"If you say no, Alex, I swear to God, it'll be the last thing you say."

"Okay, fine. . . ." I roll my eyes.
Of course she's sick of drama. She's living it every minute of everyday.

"Where are we going?"

"That's better. I don't have the answer right now, but . . . we'll see where the road takes us."

"We're going to a traffic signal?"

"Alex." She closes her eyes and her nostrils flare.

"Okay, okay! . . . . What did you have in mind?"

"If you were human and could get drunk, I'd take you to a bar, but . . . "

"Excuse me?" I raise an eyebrow. "How do you know I've not drunk already?"

"If you had, then Danny would still be here and you'd be playing hide the banana."

"Playing what?" I frown. Although I don't get most of what she says, Stella always has a comeback.

Not always, though . . .

"Never mind. Come on, Alex--"

"No. And I just happened to drink white wine today."

Stella blows raspberries.

"Wine doesn't count! . . ."

"Oh, I think it does."

I take a step toward her and cross my arms. Stella squints in confusion at first, but then she does a double-take.

"Uh-huh. It's your turn now, Parker. How was the date?"

Her shoulders move as she sighs, and I think she's going to drag me out the door, but Stella actually replies.

"In a word, great. I wore black, John picked me up, he opened the car door for me, took me to The Palm, we spoke about work over dinner, we split the check, I got drunk, I drunk-called you, he took me home, I kissed him, he kissed me back, gave me the 'special hug' and we left for work together in the morning. Can we go now?"

I take my time in fetching air.

"And that couldn't be slower because? . . ."

"I don't roll that way." She shrugs like its obvious.

But I can see right past this show she's putting on.

"You can tell me, you know?"

I say, taking her hand. Stella has never been the kind to 'talk about it.' She'd tell others to maybe, but she won't follow it herself.

"What else do you wanna know?"

She shrugs, but I can see the truth in her eyes. She's afraid to talk and face her fears. Only she knows why.

"Nothing." I lie, letting it go for now. I don't want to push her too far, just like she hadn't with me. Hasn't with me.

"Okay, let's leave now."

"Where are we going, Stella?"

"I don't know. I just need some . . . peace and quiet."

"And you think you'll find it in the middle of traffic?"

"Alex, enough!"

"Okay, let me get Rosie." I chuckle and walk into her room.

I happen to have the upper hand only when Stella is vulnerable. But I'll have to get the truth out of her somehow, sometime.

"Rosie?"

I knock on her bathroom door when I don't find her in the room.

"Are you in there, honey?"

Silence.

Frowning, I peek inside, only to be met with an empty room.

Huh.

"Rosie?"

I call again, walking into my room, as Stella follows me around.

Then I find her, curled up into a small ball and fast asleep in the middle of the bed.

I tilt my head to a side and smile at the sight.

She really is adorable.

Purring to myself, I walk cautiously on my toes to the bed, and give her a soft kiss on her head.

"Mommy . . ." She mumbles sleepily and stirs, and I quietly get in behind her, wrapping my arm around her tiny form and then stroke her hair.

"Sh . . . I'm here, sweetheart. Go back to sleep."

I peck her head again.

I can imagine she's tired.

I kiss her one more time and look up when Stella sits on the other side of the bed, glaring at me.

'What?' I mouth.

She plainly shakes her head at me, and lies on her back with a sigh.

I watch with a small smile as Stella shifts her body around marginally, until she finds that perfect fit into the matress and stills.

A grin grows on her lips, and she turns on her side to caress Rosie's face.

"How's this for peace and quiet?" I whisper, and Stella answers with a smirk, after which at eyes close.

I study her features now, and I can find a trace of peace among the bedlam.

"It'll do."

She whispers at last.