THE ALGORITHM OF THE FORBIDDEN HEART

Chapitre 12

Anja: I'm not going anywhere. Tell me. Everything. And don't tell me it wasn't intentional, I know you.

Anja: So, what caused this? Being so dehydrated you need an IV, and those hands... Something serious happened this weekend, didn't it?

Carla: (Hesitates, avoiding Anja's gaze) I... Yes. I had a very big panic attack. They are frequent, you know that. And sometimes... yes, I self-harm. It's my way of releasing the pain when it's too much.

Anja: (Presses her lips together, without judging) I know, Carla. But this is different. This is exhaustion. What triggered such a violent crisis?

Carla: (Staring vaguely) It's... I met someone, Anja.

Anja: Ah. A man?

Carla: (Shakes her head timidly) No. It's a woman. It's someone who... who disturbs me enormously.

Anja: Okay. And how does this person disturb you?

Carla: That's the problem. She is... very intense. Since I met her, she has awakened my greatest fears—the fear of being constrained, the fear of losing control—and my greatest desires... (She lowers her voice) The desires I never wanted to have.

Anja (leaning in gently): Desires for her, Carla?

I nod, tears in my eyes: I would like to trust her, really. She makes me feel strong. But I don't know how. As soon as she touches me, even to comfort me, it makes me flinch. My body panics, even if my heart wants her to stay. It's chaos. And this chaos is my fault.

Anja places her hand on my uninjured forearm with infinite gentleness: "Stop. Stop blaming yourself immediately for the panic. It's not your fault; it's your body's memory. Listen to me. What you feel for this woman, no matter who she is, is not a mistake."

Anja: "To know what you feel, you don't have to push her away or run. You need to learn to know her slowly, inside yourself. When you think of her, do you feel light or just danger? Let the sweetness of desire exist, even with fear. You are a survivor, Carla. You have the right to desire and you have the right to feel safe."

I look at Anja, with a hint of hope: "Try to trust..."

Anja: "Yes. Try to trust. And if she rushes you, you have the right to say "No." If she really is who you think she is, she will understand. But first, let's get you back on your feet, okay? We're going to stabilize this shell so she can rely on her heart."

Carla: (Her voice is still weak) "Thank you, Anja. You are the best. But I need to ask you a favor, the last one for tonight."

Anja: Don't hesitate. Tell me what you need.

Carla: I need you to go to my place. You need to pick up some clean clothes, my toiletry bag, and most importantly, check that the cats have food and fresh water.

Anja: Of course. Give me your keys.

Carla: (She pulls her key ring from under her pillow and gives her the keys.) Thank you. And take my computer and chargers too, please.

Anja nods and leaves immediately.

Anja returned an hour later, laden. She had been efficient: she placed clean clothes, my computer, my chargers, my toiletry bag—all the essentials—on the bedside table.

Before she could even speak, I interrupted her, my brain regaining control of emergency protocols.

Carla: Anja, listen carefully. Tomorrow morning, the hospital secretariat will call the campus to justify a two-day absence. I will return on Wednesday.