Let Me Go (Ryden)

Chapter XXIII

Brendon was having nightmares again. He'd actually fallen asleep for once, which was good, but it really didn't matter whether he slept or not, because he couldn't sleep well enough to feel rested. He was asleep now, dreaming, a new nightmare surfacing. No. Not new. He'd had this one before.

Brendon sat up, something was wrong. He looked over to his side, Ryan was lying next to him in bed, his hands grasping Brendon's shirt. Brendon squinted through the darkness, trying to see his fiancé better.
"Ry?" Brendon touched him gently. He was stone cold. Brendon screamed, trying to pry Ryan's hands off of him, scrambling towards the edge of the bed-

Hands shook him.
"Brendon. Brendon, babe, wake up," Ryan's quiet voice snapped him awake, transporting him back into the hellish nightmare he was currently living. His eyes sprung open and he bolted upright. Ryan reached out, touching the air around Brendon before finding his arm.
"Hey," he said softly, voice muffled a bit by the breathing machine. Brendon looked over to Ryan, concerned now. It was the middle of the night, Ryan shouldn't be awake.
"Ry? A-are you alright?" He reached out to take him off of the machine.
"No don't!" Ryan's voice was nervous, rushed. "I-I think something's wrong. Just, I don't feel too great, like worse than usual, and..." He trailed off.
"And what?" Brendon's stomach was tying itself in knots. He could not lose Ryan now, not yet. Not ever, really, but it would be better for him to lose Ryan seventy years from now, when they'd be old men, having lived a long and happy life together.
"And, w-well, I'm not sure I can actually breathe." Ryan admitted, blind hazel eyes wide and scared. Brendon squeezed his eyes shut. He didn't want to do this, Ryan would kill him, but he had to.
"Okay, I'm calling 9-1-1 again." He opened his eyes.
"No! Really, don't, I'll be- holy fuck," Ryan gasped.
"What's wrong now?" Brendon's heart leaped into his throat. Ryan's eyes were squeezed shut, his hands grasping at his lower chest. Brendon didn't wait for him to answer, he grabbed his cellphone and called. Ten minutes later, they were in the back of an ambulance, paramedics frantically attempting to stabilize Ryan. Twenty five minutes later and Brendon was left sulking in the waiting room, wringing his hands together nervously, not knowing what was becoming of his fiancé at that very moment.

                                 ~~~

It was a little over an hour since they'd arrived at the hospital when Brendon could finally see Ryan.
Multiple organ failure, the doctor had told him. He has a few days left, at the most.
When Brendon walked in, Ryan was once again connected to millions of tubes, but he was alive, and that was all that mattered.
"Hey," Brendon said, walking over to Ryan's bedside. Ryan held his hand out to Brendon, who took it in both of his, holding it gently.
"Hi," Ryan whispered, letting his head fall forward onto his chest. "Brendon?"
"Yeah baby?" Brendon answered.
"Am... am I going to die?" Ryan asked. Brendon's heart seized in his chest. Gently, and as calmly as possible, he replied,
"Everyone is going to die eventually, Ry."
"No, Brendon, please, you know what I mean, just tell me!" Ryan's voice rose slightly, and he lifted his head up off of his chest, unseeing eyes glaring in Brendon's direction. "It's pretty obvious, I mean, I can't fucking see, I can barely breathe, and my organs are failing, I just need to hear it."
"Okay, okay, don't get upset," Brendon took a deep, shuddering breath, closing his eyes for a few seconds before opening them again. "The doctor said that you have a few days left if we're lucky."
Ryan looked upset before, but now he looked destroyed. It was one thing for Brendon to know Ryan was about to die, but it was another thing for him to have to tell Ryan. Ryan nodded.
"Okay, that's okay. I'm ready, I think," he said, closing his eyes and leaning his head back.
"But I'm not!" Brendon exclaimed. Maybe it was easier this way, but Brendon didn't want it to be this way. For him, there was little comfort in knowing that Ryan was content with his fate. Ryan's other hand clumsily reached over and covered Brendon's.
"You're going to be okay. You can get through this." His unfocused eyes opened and he raised his head to look in Brendon's direction. Brendon's heart broke. He wanted to sob, and he felt a lump forming in his throat. How could Ryan do this? How could he find it in himself to reassure Brendon while on his fucking deathbed? Ryan should be freaking out now, but instead, he was completely fine, even trying to soothe Brendon's nerves. This was extremely unnerving for Brendon in so many ways, he'd never known Ryan to be able to stay that calm in such a situation. He separated their hands, leaning down to kiss his fiancé.
"I love you, Ry," Brendon murmured when they broke apart.
"I love you too," Ryan closed his eyes, resting his head back on the pillow propping him up. They sat in silence, and after a while Brendon noticed that Ryan had fallen asleep.

                             ~~~

Ryan died a few hours later.
Brendon was watching him sleep, his stomach tying itself in knots as he saw Ryan's breathing becoming increasingly labored and shallow. Suddenly, Ryan jerked and his eyes flew open, muscles tensing more than they already were. He whimpered, squeezing Brendon's hand uncomfortably tight.
"Bad dreams?" Brendon asked.
"Yeah," Ryan whispered, visibly relaxing at the sound of Brendon's voice.
"You can try to go back to sleep if you want. I'm here, I won't leave," he told Ryan. 
"I need to tell you something first. When you get home, after you read that letter I gave you on Christmas, check your laptop, okay?" Ryan closed his eyes again.
"I will. Is... is there anything else you need?" Brendon knew just from the way Ryan was acting he knew he wasn't going to see tomorrow. Ryan seemed to be struggling to lift his head, his eyes opening, unfocused and clouded with something Brendon had trouble reading. "Hey, it's okay, you don't have to move," Brendon reached up to stroke Ryan's hair.
"I-I... could you just, just... I don't know. Just, make the bad dreams go away?" he murmured tiredly. Was Ryan even fully with him, Brendon didn't know. But it didn't matter. He stood up, moving closer to his fiancé.
"Okay," he whispered, leaning down to press a kiss to Ryan's forehead. Ryan sighed a shuddering sigh, eyes closing for the last time. Minutes passed, and Brendon didn't move from where he was standing. Ryan seemed to be struggling for breath, and was it just him, or did the heart rate monitor seem to be slowing down? He tried to swallow his fear down, but he couldn't. A lump formed in his throat again. Oh God, this was the end. Ryan whimpered, flinching at something unseen, fear written clearly on his face.
"Shhh, baby, it's okay, it's okay, Ry, it's all gonna be okay," he soothed. Brendon wasn't sure if Ryan was awake or asleep, but his eyes didn't open. He was definitely struggling to breathe now. How long did he have left? Minutes? Hours? Brendon wanted Ryan alive so badly, but at the same time, he didn't want him to suffer anymore. Ryan's breaths were coming slow and shallow, his lungs laboring to keep working as his body shut down. The gentle beeps of the heart rate monitor came even slower with every minute. Time dragged on, and Brendon wasn't sure how long he'd been standing there. Seconds felt like hours, minutes felt like days. Ryan was barely breathing now, his chest hardly rising and falling every few seconds. His chest gave a final heave, then went still. Then the heart rate monitor went flat. Brendon felt distant, separated from everything, it was like he was underwater. He heard someone screaming, and it took him a moment to realize it was him. That was all it took to snap him back to reality. Doctors came rushing in, ushering him out of the room, and he quieted down, but he was in agony, there was a giant, gaping hole inside of him and it hurt more than anything Brendon could ever imagine. He was broken inside, he'd found his soulmate, then lost him all too soon.