Let Me Go (Ryden)

Chapter IX

Brendon awoke with a start, jolting out of a nightmare. He was lying with his head in Ryan's lap, and the TV was on. He didn't remember falling asleep. His boyfriend glanced down at him.
"Hey gorgeous," Ryan said.
"How long was I asleep?" Brendon asked.
"Well, you fell asleep around 10ish, and it's like 4:50 now, so about 7 hours," Ryan answered him, looking back up at the TV.
"Wow, I must've really been tired. I remember talking to you, but I don't remember falling asleep." Brendon said. Ryan glanced back down at him, worry lacing his big hazel eyes.
"I think you were so tired that when your eyes closed for more than a few seconds, you just fell asleep instantly. You've been so tired, you really need more sleep..." Ryan trailed off. Brendon's heart ached. Ryan shouldn't be worrying about Brendon, he wasn't the one with cancer. Ryan was. Instead, it should only be Brendon worrying about Ryan. But no, Ryan had to go and be more concerned for Brendon than himself. Brendon sat up.
"I'm fine, Ry, I get enough sleep. It's just stressing to be worrying over you and then Spencer-" Brendon choked on his words. Ryan's hazel eyes sparked with fresh concern.
"Babe, you're not supposed to worry about me, remember? Please let me take some of the weight off of your shoulders." He pleaded. Brendon pulled Ryan into his lap, wrapping his arms around him.
"Ry, we're both worried about Spencer, obviously, he's our friend. But what you need to get into your head is that while you might not worry about you, I worry about you, and I'm not capable of stopping. So stop telling me not to, because I will regardless. You underestimate how much I love you, Ryan. Really, you do." Brendon replied. Ryan bit his lip and looked away. Brendon sighed and turned off the TV, Ryan was no longer interested in it anyway.
"I think I'm going to go to sleep now," Ryan said, his voice shaky. Brendon tried to get a better look at his face, but Ryan kept turning away.
"Okay," Brendon said, picking Ryan up and carrying him to their bedroom, putting him down on their bed. Ryan still wouldn't look at Brendon. He turned over so that he was facing away from Brendon, so he just left. But as he was walking out of the door, he caught a glimpse of silent tears rolling down his boyfriend's face.

~~~

Brendon was starting to get really nervous. Ryan sometimes slept for a long time, but he'd never slept this long before. It'd been almost 24 hours since Ryan went to sleep, and every time Brendon went in to check on him, he was still asleep. Eventually Brendon had gotten scared he'd died, but when he went in to make sure, Ryan was breathing. He just wasn't waking up. Brendon hadn't tried to wake him, of course, but he would if Ryan didn't wake on his own soon. Oh, there was no way that him sleeping this long could be good, there just wasn't. Brendon paced the living room floor. Ugh, he needed to know what was wrong. He walked back into their bedroom, ready to try to wake his boyfriend. But when he got to Ryan, his eyes were open. Brendon sighed with relief.
"Hey," Ryan whispered when he saw Brendon, the corners of his mouth tipping slightly upwards.
"Hi, sweetheart. Are you alright? You've been asleep for just about an entire day..." Brendon trailed off. Ryan's hazel eyes seemed to be searching his for something, but Brendon wasn't sure what. Ryan shook his head slowly.
"I-I'm not sure," Ryan's eyes focused on something behind Brendon. He looked behind him, but there wasn't anything there. Brendon reached over to stroke his boyfriend's hair.
"What's wrong, babe?" He asked gently. Ryan just shook his head, his eyes focusing on Brendon again.
"I don't know," Ryan whispered, turning his head slightly into his pillow, so that just his face was hidden.
"Ry, look at me," Ryan didn't move.
"Please," Brendon said, his voice soft and quiet.
"Go away, Brendon." Ryan's voice was muffled by the pillow. Brendon stepped back, surprised.
"O-okay," Brendon said, feeling slightly hurt. He left the room, his heart aching and his head pounding. He didn't know what exactly was wrong, but he knew that Ryan was hurting, and Brendon wasn't sure if he could fix it.

~~~

Eventually, at around 1:30 in the morning, Brendon decided he should at least try to sleep. He crept into their bedroom, in the hopes that Ryan wouldn't wake up. He looked towards the bed, where Ryan was curled into a ball, his body shuddering violently.
"Ry?" He asked carefully.
"B-brendon," Ryan said, his voice rough and almost unnatural sounding to Brendon's ears. He walked cautiously over to the bedside, then sat down in bed next to Ryan. He rubbed his shaking boyfriend's back, unsure of what to do. He turned Ryan over to face him. Squinting through the dark, he could see Ryan's face was wet with tears, and the violent shuddering was him trying to hold in his sobs.
"Oh, Ry, what's wrong? Babe, please tell me." Brendon sighed, his heart breaking. He couldn't see Ryan like this, he felt physical pain at the sight of his crying boyfriend. Ryan curled tighter into a ball, sniffling.
"It- it's n-nothing. Please Brendon, y-you can't see me like this. Please..." He buried his face into his pillow as more silent sobs wracked his body, making him shudder more in pain.
"Ryan, no. I refuse to leave until you tell me. Just something, anything. You can't do this to yourself, Ryan!" Brendon cried, trying to keep himself composed, for his boyfriend's sake.
"Brendon," Ryan whispered. "Help me." He wasn't sure how he could possibly help Ryan, but would try. Ryan couldn't sit up, so Brendon held him in his arms, stroking his hair.
"I-I, I don't deserve you, Brendon. And you don't deserve to have to deal with this, with me. And you can't possibly love me like you say you do. You just can't. How could anyone even love me, anyway?" Brendon could barely make out Ryan's words. If he thought his heart had broken before, he was wrong. At Ryan's words, it shattered into millions of microscopic pieces, too small to be put back together. He rocked Ryan gently.
"Sweetheart, this is the anxiety talking. Well, partially, at least. You know that I love you even more than I say I do. You don't just believe it, you know it. I will never stop loving you Ryan, nothing will ever change that. And like I've said, maybe you think you don't deserve me, and that I don't deserve to have to take care of you, but the thing is, I want to care for you, and it's me that doesn't deserve you, Ryan." His boyfriend weakly wrapped his arms around Brendon's waist, leaning completely on his chest, head on his shoulder. He didn't say anything, though, just rested there, crying himself to sleep. And around 4, he stopped shaking, tears no longer able to fall from his eyes, finally having fallen asleep. Brendon sighed and laid back, still holding on to Ryan, falling quickly into sleep, hoping that tomorrow would be a better day.