How the Hussie Stole Christmas!

Every Character
On the Meteor
Liked Christmas a lot...

But the Hussie,
Who lived behind the broken Fourth Wall,
Did NOT!

The Hussie hated Christmas!
The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why.
No one quite knows the reason.

It could be his computer wasn't quite working right.
It could be, perhaps, that his friends list was too light.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his heart was five sizes too small.

But,
Whatever the reason,
His heart or the list,
He sat there on Christmas Eve, being super Pissed,

Staring right through the walls with a sour, Hussie frown
At the magic little creatures down on the meteor ground.
And he heard one young Character down in the Meteor scream,
"There's no such thing as magic it's just a stupid dream!"

"Shut up... Gah! They're hanging their stockings!" he snarled with a sneer.
"Tomorrow is Christmas it's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his evil fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find some way to stop Christmas from coming!"

For,
Tomorrow, he knew...

...All the Young girls and boys
Would wake up bright and early. They'd rush for their toys!
And then! Oh, the noise! Oh, the Noise! Noise! Noise! Noise!
That's one thing he hated! The NOISE! NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!

It was Kankri the Troll giving yet another speech.
A long speech! And a longer speech!
And a LONGER speech!
Speech!
Speech!
Speech!
He would talk about Troll Characters, and the triggers which increased
Which was something the Hussie couldn't stand in the least!

And THEN
They'd do something
He liked least of all!
Every Character on the Meteor, the Humans and Trolls,
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing,
The Holiday fighting would commence in place of singing!

They'd fight! And they'd fight!
AND they'd FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!
And the more the Hussie thought of the curse word string!
The more the Hussie thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
"Why, for almost 6 years I've put up with it now!
"I MUST stop their Christmas from coming!
... But How?"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
ANDREW HUSSIE
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"All I need is a plot line..."
Andrew Hussie looked around.
But, since ideas were scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop the nerdy bastard...?
No! The Hussie simply said,
"If I can't find a plot line, I'll make one instead!"
So he called up some food. Then sat down to work
And in a few minutes it had its own quirk.

"I know just what to do!" Hussie laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick cosplay and laughed as he spoke.
He chuckled, and clucked, "What a great Hussie trick!
"They'll believe I'm a Troll because they're just so damn thick!"

Then the Hussie said, "Horray!"
As through the wall he went down
Towards the room where the Characters
All slept in Can Town.

THEN
He loaded some bags
And some old empty sacks
On the Meteor floor
In some nice and tidy stacks.

All their eyes were closed shut. Quiet moans filled the air.
All the Characters were all dreaming epic dreams without care
When he came to the first little box in the square.
"This is the stop, only one," the old Hussie troll hissed
And he walked through Can Town with the empty bag in his fist.

Then he slipped through Gravy Boulevard. He felt rather fussy.
But, if teenagers could do it, then so could dear Hussie.
He got caught only once for a moment or two.
By a Tab can of Can Town but right by it he flew
To where the little Characters Stockings all hung in a row.
"These stockings," he grinned, "are the first things to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, with a grin most unpleasant,
Around the whole room and he took every present!
Shot guns! And dresses! Magic Wands! Pie!
Knitting needles! Fish! Chalk! And hair dye!
And he stuffed them in bags. Then the Hussie, very carefully,
Walked around the Grand Highblood, very quickly and fearfully!

The he slunk to the refrigerator. He took the Characters feast!
He took the Characters pudding! He took the roast beef!
He cleaned out that refrigerator faster than Borrego!
Why, that Hussie even took the last bottle of Faygo!

Then he stuffed all the food in the second bag with glee.
"And NOW!" laughed the Hussie, "I will fuck up the tree!"

And the Hussie grabbed the tree and started to shove
We can't tell you the rest because it wasn't filled with love.
He turned finishing up fast, and heard a small HoNk!
Little Gamzee Makara, watching as peaceful as a monk.

The Hussie had been caught by this Stoner Clown teen
Who'd got up from sleep for a drink filled with caffeine.
He stared at the clown and he said in his voice,
"My Gog you are cute, even for a boy."

Young Gamzee Makara opened his eyes wide
He looked at the tree, then at Huss and asked why?
"Why, my sweet little clown," the Huss lied,
"There's a light on this tree that won't light on one side.
"So I'm trying to fix it with force you see, dear?
"I'll fix it up here, and then take it back there."

And his fib fooled the teen. Then he patted his head
And he got him his drink and sent him to bed.
And when Gamzee Makara went to bed with his cup,
HE went to his back and he stuffed the tree up!

Then the last thing he took
Was the town hall of Can Town,
Then he walked through the door, himself, with a frown.
In the room he left nothing but cans and ceiling crown.

And the one speck of food
That he left in the room
Was a peanut and an old moldy mushroom.

Then
He did the same thing
To the other Meteor rooms

Leaving peanuts
Much to small
And more moldy mushrooms!

It was a quarter past dawn...
All the Characters, still a-bed
All the Characters, still a-snooze
When he packed up his bags,
Packed them up with their presents! The ribbons! The wrappings!
The tags! And the tinsel! The trimmings! The trappings!

A couple rooms over down at the alchemizer,
He threw the bags up and put on his Visors!

"Fuck you to the Characters!" he was Hussie-ly humming,
"They're finding out now that no Christmas is coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their breath will be swept away like a broom!
"And then the Characters on the Meteor will all face their doom!

"That's a image," grinned the Hussie,
"That I simply MUST see!"
So he paused for a moment. Not one but three.
But instead he heard a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...

But this sound wasn't sad!
Why, this sound sounded angry!
It couldn't be so!
How could he forget Karkat! And Kankri!

He looked through the door to the room!
The Huss popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Character on the Meteor, the angry and more,
Was entertained without presents! Just like before!

He HADN'T stopped Christmas from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or another, it came just the same!

And the Hussie, with his feet ice-cold in the snow,
Stood wondering and wondering: "How could this be?
"It came without ribbons! It came without tags!
"It came without packages, boxes or bags!"
And he wondered three hours, till his wonder was sore,
Then the Huss thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store.
"Maybe Christmas... perhaps... means a little bit more!"

And what happened then...?
Well on Karkat's memos it says
That Andrew Hussie's small heart
Grew five sizes that day!
And the minute his heart didn't feel quite so tight,
He whisked off the load to fix his mistake from the night
He brought back the toys! And the food for the feast!
And he...

...HE HIMSELF...!

The Hussie carved the Roast Beef!