Hand of God (Peterick Fanfic)

Part Twenty-Eight (Clinic)

She writes something down on a clipboard.

"That's alright. Do you know what is causing your depression?" I think for a minute. I used to.

"Um, well," I start, but then I realize the answer is rather embarrassing. People were saying some mean stuff. I can't say that, I'm a fucking adult. She seems to notice my discomfort.

"Please be honest. There's absolutely nothing you can tell me that would be embarrassing or make me think less of you, Patrick."

I wish she would stop using my name. She doesn't know me. People do that all the time, use my name to act like they know me when they know nothing. I sit a little taller.

"I had some issues with my body image and self-esteem due to constant put-downs from others. Though, I'm over that and I don't really think about it anymore," the gears start to click into place in my head as I think about it and say it out loud. "I think... I think being sad is kind of like a habit for me now. It's normal. I'm used to it, and when I'm not sad I'm convincing myself I should be."

"You said you had problems with your body image. Has this lead to anything besides depression? Anorexia nervosa, bulimia, et cetera?"

I shift uncomfortably in my seat. "Um, yeah, I tend to not eat sometimes."

More notes on the clipboard. 

"How long have you been depressed?"

"Oh, shit. I don't know, maybe around a year?"

"What about your sleep habits?"

"Uh, sometimes I don't sleep at all because I don't want to. Sometimes I can't. Sometimes all I do, and all I want to do, is sleep for days."

"Have you ever contemplated or attempted suicide?" The word suicide strikes a nerve. A slight waver in my breath, a second before I can blink.

"Yes."

"Alright, thank you for being honest."

She smiles at me again, and then stands up. She goes over to a computer in the corner of the room that I didn't even notice. She starts typing something in, but the screen is turned away from me so I don't know what it is.

"Were gonna start you off on Prozac, which is a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor, or SSRI. One by mouth every morning. It could take up to two weeks for you to notice a change, and can be up to around five weeks to take full effect, but it'll help you. It might help you get back on a regular sleep schedule, lessen anxiety, and lessen anorexic compulsions and behaviors. Does that sound okay?"

"Yeah, that's fine."

"If you're still having trouble sleeping, you can take melatonin supplements, but wait at least a month."

"Alright."

"I'm gonna print of your prescription now, you can pick it up on your way out. Is there anything else you wanted to talk about?"

"No, thanks." Numb again.

"Alright, then it looks like we're all finished up. If you head out to the right, you'll come right up on the checkout." 

I stood and exited. I signed papers at the checkout. I got my prescription. I never looked anyone in the eyes. I thought about taking a sticker for Pete, he'd think that was funny. I didn't have the nerve to do it. 

Pete stands up as soon as he sees me in the lobby, and tears pool at the bottom of my eyes. I try to blink them back, but in doing so only push them out.

I did not want to do that. I wish I did not have this paper in my hand. I wish I didn't have to do any of this. I wish I wasn't so un-fucking-stable.