Last Seen In San Francisco (Tony Perry)

• The Bitterness Inside Is Glowing •

{ t we n t y f o u r }

Everybody stayed silent, even Madison just stared around at us all with a confused pouty look on her face.

I suddenly felt suffocated and it reminded me of when I first saw PTV again in my office. It was a familiar feeling; the walls closing in, the air getting thinner and my breathing getting heavier. The embarrassment didn't help either, having an attack again but this time everybody's in the room, but thankfully oblivious.

I never used to have panic attacks like this. The first one I ever had was a few months after Maddie was born and the pressure of caring for a baby on my own got to me. The doctor said that having a baby triggered something in my body and that's how I had an attack. Then I didn't have anymore until I saw Tony again, and now. I know it's one, it would be hard not to realise. The pressure on your body is too demanding to not understand what's happening.

The silence was suffocating me too, and I opened my mouth to try and breathe more of the thin air but my lungs felt like they were carrying a huge weight on top of them, unable to get anything through my airways.

"Mom?" I locked eyes with my baby girl and felt every eye in the room on me again. My clothes suddenly became constricting and my head became lighter, but too heavy to hold up at the same time.

I'm dying, is the first thought that came to mind, in front of all these people, this is it.

I turned to the door with great difficulty, not wanting everyone to watch me. My hand curled around the neck of my tshirt automatically, prying it away from my throat but nothing changed.

Alexis didn't know what to do, I could tell just by seeing her panicked face in the corner of my eye. My body felt hot and my chest was burning painfully. I tried to move my mouth but it felt locked into place and soon I felt my eyes dampen.

Then I felt something different, a great force on my chest stabbing like needles and then the same sensation in my cheek.

I suddenly felt air flooding into my body and I could move again. I looked up to see Alexis babying her curled up hand and staring at me with worry written all over her. She'd hit me and it worked.

I don't even care about the pain in my cheek or the fact that that best friend just hit me with a lot of force. I'm actually thankful.

"I hate you so much," Alexis' shaky voice said to me quietly. I looked up at her again to see her worry turn into anger. "I told you not to do that to me again Lydia! What the fuck!" She pushed me but her heart wasn't in it and I barely moved an inch. "You're going to a doctor, right now! Fuck!" She pushed me a little harder, sending me into Mike.

As expected, he steadied me.

"Lex-" it slipped out again.

"Don't you Lex me. You- you fucking... Bitch." She cut me off and I could see her anger leaving just as fast as it came.

"You're really loosing your touch with the insults." I told her lost in thought.

"I know." She said back to me in confusion and I smiled at the distraction, but someone else just had to speak and ruin it.

"Whatever...lesbian cult thing, just happened here, next time don't swear in front of my son." I didn't like Becca's tone. The way she said it with such disgust made me think of her comment as homophobic. I obviously wasn't the only one in the room thinking it as both Vic and Tony turned to her in surprise.

"You shouldn't keep someone with that sort of mouth around your kid." Becca added on and I felt my own anger flare. Alexis is one of the most amazing people, how dare she.

"Don't start on me little miss perfect or I'll break your pretty little face." Alexis snapped back and to my complete surprise, Madison cheered.

My 6 year old daughter cheered, sticking her little fist into the air and mock saluting Alexis.

"Madison." I scolded and she looked down to the ground. I turned to glare at Alexis; I know she taught her that. She made it obvious as she blushed back at me.

"Example one." Becca obnoxiously laughed, keeping eye contact with me and looking beyond amused.

I was done long before that comment though, so I just ignored her, walking calmly into the middle of the room and letting Madison grip my hand and stand up from next to the father.

Tony looked at me with the look again, the one that said I was hurting him and I felt my chest tighten and guilt swell up in my body. He didn't even do anything but I can't just wait here to be verbally abused. This is supposed to be about Madison.

"I'm sorry," I told him genuinely, walking away with Madison with me. Alexis grabbed her other hand, bending down with a cautious smile on her face to soothe her and Maddie let Alexis pick her up to talk so I let go of her hand. Tony stood up, a good distance away but still levelling with me.

"Ill get a contact centre to phone you so you can arrange dates to see her alone." I told him and I didn't think it was possible for his face to fall more but it did. He didn't want that but I walked out before he could protest, following Lexis down the hall and finally stepping out of the door and into the fresh air. It slammed shut behind me but it want purposeful.

"I think I'm done with life." I told Alexis, leaning against the wall and letting myself loosen up and get back to normal.

"It could've been worse," I gave her a pointed look as she kept in a laugh, swaying Maddie back and fore dramatically. "You could've been shot."

"Why are we even friends?" I asked her in a serious tone.

"We're not friends," she said immediately with a devious grin, "we're lovers in a lesbian cult thing. Duh."

A loud laughter escaped me and she laughed too, getting overly pleased with her own joke.

"Let's just get home," I told her, calming myself down. "I have to phone Anne about the school thing." I gestured to Maddie even though it was obvious what I was talking about.

"Wait, you're actually going to let Tony pay for something that important?" She asked me in disbelief. I know why too, but I really can't afford it by myself.

"I don't know," I said honestly, "I just know that somehow it's going to be paid for."

We started walking away from the small house, but if I had just looked back I would've seen that the window was open, and I would've known that everyone in the living room had just heard our whole conversation.