Undo [ Second Edition ]

Part 1, Chapter 2: Where It All Started

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~ FEBRUARY 2021

"Damn, I love the ending, but now I don't have anything to watch" a disappointing part of watching a series is the ending. No matter how good it is or how well it was written, the fact that there's no "next episode" to tap on makes me feel sick.

Now what? Back to Facebook? Back to reality. Back to the broke me. To the problems I am trying to solve—and forget at the same time. Am I really solving any of these? Or am I just facing the repercussions of my own doubts?

I wish I had the answers back then: the things I know now, ten years later.

Things remain vividly clear.

So, I turned to scrolling other people's lives—Stalking with their complete permission. Thanks to the power Mr. Zuckerberg has given to every Facebook user. I saw a lot. I was entertained. My wasted time wasn't so wasted after all.

Smiles so genuine they're contagious—I hope they do live on in real life, not just in photos. Memes that brighten my day, no matter how baffling. Despair shared publicly but never fully revealed. Some seek attention the crowd gave; others dip into sadness and get trapped before even realizing it. I hate to break it to you, but these people are 𝒍𝒐𝒗𝒊𝒏𝒈 the pain.

Poor Creatures.

I wish I could do more than just tap and hold that LIKE button, sliding over to that sad faced emoji.

One thing I've learned about pain is that you don't get to run away from it. You just can't. It's a centripetal force too strong—you'd be running ibn circles and sucked right back in no time. So, you gotta face it. No one's there to save you. You just have to trust the process. Easier said than done, but it's a process I wish I'd learned long before receiving this message.

"You are such a crybaby when you finish your series"

That reply came from Ariel, a girl from my list of friends. Someone I barely knew. Someone I never paid attention to—I was too busy with life to remember what flirting even was.

Months earlier, I noticed her reacting to and commenting on some of my posts. Lately, I felt a surge of interest. I felt that she's kinda into me or maybe we're just on the same channel. Dry Humor. Memes—I don't know.

"Any recommendations to fill the void?" I asked.

Surprisingly, I replied. I don't usually engage like that, but what could go wrong with just a recommendation?

Well, you'd be dazed, amateur.

So there I was, indulging in another TV series recommended by a stranger. Questions lurked in my mind; I knew they'd be answered as long as I kept watching. But I was impatiently curious. I chatted with her again and got the spoilers I needed. The spoilers, however, soon turned into side topics. We started talking about our days, asking if we'd eaten yet. Hours passed. I felt the oblivion fading slowly. We cracked jokes, sent memes. She laughed more than she should. Her replies were more meaningful than the last. A wonderful start

The next morning wasn't like any other morning. I woke up and checked my phone. It wasn't just an expired alarm I failed to wake up to. It wasn't just notifications about people laughing at my funny posts on Facebook, nor simply new posts from people I follow on Instagram. But I also woke up to her "Good morning" message. Though I had only known her for hours, it felt different. The sensation of having a new friend of the opposite sex sparked my imagination. My mornings have never been the same since.

It was the Day of Hearts. Social media overflowed with sweet messages, flowery surprises, and romantic dates. Sana All —a Filipino phrase meaning "I wish it's the same for everyone else"—became the theme of my day. Because aside from happy couples celebrating Valentine's Day, there are those who still remember the person who used to be with them on that special day—and that hurts like hell. There are those who are with the person they hold dear but are treated less than they deserve. And then there are those like me, who don't even know what to do. A thick air of awkwardness suppressed our conversations. I had to ask her out. No. It was silly. Too early. I might scare her away. And paralyzed by the fear of messing everything up, I failed to ask.