The Unread Letters For John (Revised Version)

Chapter 5

Chapter 5 — I Don’t Want to Believe in Love Again

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I knew he already owned my heart the moment he stood up for me—when those men tried to take advantage, and I was helpless. But he wasn’t. He was there, like he always was. He had my back, no questions asked. That day… he won my heart completely.

But love, as I came to learn, is not always kind.

When he finally told me he loved me too, I was terrified. I didn’t know where to begin—should I get to know him better, or fix myself first so I wouldn't be the problem in our story?

As time went by, I never imagined our love would shift like the seasons—once warm and safe, suddenly turning cold and distant. The love that once made me feel secure started making me doubt everything, especially during those nights when I’d desperately try to reach him—both in-game and in life.

While I was busy piecing myself together, I didn’t realize I was slowly losing the man I loved.

He changed. He grew distant. The sweet words faded into silence. The warmth I once felt from him was replaced with a cold I couldn’t explain. My heart grew suspicious—maybe something happened. Or worse, maybe someone new had entered his life... and that someone wasn’t me.

I made new friends during that time—people who tried to distract me, who made me laugh, who kept me from overthinking. But still, I couldn't stop the thoughts. I couldn’t stop the ache.

Then one day, a girl added me on social media.

I didn’t know much about her, but curiosity won. I looked through her posts... and there he was. Post after post, memory after memory. She missed him. She loved him. And in that moment, guilt hit me like a wave.

Maybe I was the reason they broke apart. Maybe I was just an intruder in their love story.

She was beautiful. Rich. Confident. Everything I was not. It wouldn't even surprise me if he chose her over me.

So I stepped back. I let him treat me like I was invisible—as if he had never confessed, as if we never promised to be each other’s safe space, as if we hadn’t dreamed of a future together.

He made me feel like an option he regretted choosing.

Still, I endured it. I endured everything in silence. Even when that girl’s posts kept showing up in my feed—how they talked again, how happy she was—I kept quiet. My friends grew angry at how he treated me, but I defended him with my silence. Because I still loved him. Because I couldn’t bear to hate him.

Until the day came when he stopped talking to me completely.

It was the night before my birthday.

I was happy for a while—my friends and I had just finished a game, and we kept winning. I felt light, until I checked my feed and saw he was online… playing a match. Without me.

My hands trembled as I clicked on his profile.

And there it was.

He was playing with her—the very girl I had been so insecure about. They had played together often, more times than he ever played with me.

And the time?

It was exactly midnight.

My birthday.

I smiled through the tears, whispering to myself like a fool “Happy birthday to me.”

I sobbed as I read through my birthday messages—one of them was from him.

How could he greet me when he was the one who ruined it?

How could he break me like that?

Maybe he wasn’t a cheater. We were never official, after all. But why did my heart feel so shattered?

I cried through the night, my tears soaking into the pillow, until morning came and my parents greeted me with joy. I had to pretend I was okay, like I hadn’t spent the night broken. I even thanked him for the greeting, so he wouldn’t know just how deeply it hurt.

My friends found out what happened and raged on my behalf, throwing insults at him. But I said nothing. I couldn't.

Because I still loved him.

Even if loving him meant accepting pain. Even if it meant breaking silently.

Then the day finally came: he made it official. He was in a relationship—with her.

And I didn’t stop it. How could I? Who was I to interfere? I was never truly part of his story. I was just a chapter he needed to move on.

A character in someone else's character development.

Maybe this was my karma.

I never thought love could bring this kind of pain. I thought the heartbreak would only last a few days. But the more I saw them happy together, the more I shattered. The more I suffered silently.

It should have been me.

But it wasn’t.

So I watched him from afar—watched as he gave her everything he once promised me.

And I was left behind, picking up the pieces of a heart he destroyed in just one night.

How do you heal from that?

I cried every day, until my tears ran dry. The pain stayed, but my heart grew numb.

I stopped watching.

I stopped checking.

Because watching someone who hurt you so deeply doesn’t bring healing—it only deepens the wounds.

And maybe… love isn’t for me.

Maybe I wasn’t meant to be loved. Maybe I was only meant to fix hearts, so they could be whole again—for someone else.

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I fell in love for the very first time—
His name was John.
He was wonderful, kind, lovely in his own quiet way.
The coldest soul I’d ever known,
Yet somehow, the loneliest too.
And in that loneliness,
He was the kindest,
The most adorable person
Who never left me in the dark.

But maybe I was wrong.
Maybe he was just my greatest experience—
Not my true love.
Maybe I was never meant to be loved at all.

I was broken.
Mentally unstable.
Who was I to expect love,
When I could barely hold myself together?

I should not complain
If I was replaced
By someone healthier,
Someone happier.

I should not cry,
Because perhaps…
I never deserved him.

Maybe in another life,
I could.
Or maybe—
I never will.

-kzraem