The Unread Letters For John (Revised Version)

Chapter 3

Chapter 3 – Chasing Pavements

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Love, sometimes, is unrequited.

They kept asking me, “If John and that mysterious man weren’t the same person, who would you choose?”
And my answer was always clear.

I had already developed feelings for someone—someone who was a friend. A friend I trusted, laughed with, and shared a thousand quiet moments with. So even if another man made my heart skip a beat in passing, I would still choose my friend, every single time. I was lucky… or perhaps unlucky—that they turned out to be the same person.

But it wasn’t that simple.
Our friendship had grown deep, built on trust and comfort.

That same closeness made me afraid. Afraid that if I confessed what I truly felt, I’d lose the only person who made me feel like myself. So I chose silence. I decided to bury the feelings, to let them fade quietly with time, rather than risk the friendship we had built.

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I never truly knew John—not until that one day at the pageant.

He was mesmerizing. The spotlight seemed to adore him. Confidence radiated off him as he smiled, his presence magnetic. Girls whispered about him, stared at him, wanted him. He was the star in the sky—brilliant and out of reach.

I stood in the background that day, tucked in the shadows. I was just another face in the crowd, just a pair of eyes admiring from afar. When the show ended, I wanted to go up to him and offer my congratulations, to let him know how proud I was. But my feet refused to move. I stayed frozen. So I messaged him instead, pretending I was just too shy to say it in person. It wasn’t a lie—but it wasn’t the whole truth either.

He wasn’t just handsome—he was gifted. When he played the piano, it was like he spoke in a language only the soul could understand.

The way he nodded along to the music made me smile, and I was content just to watch him from a distance. Everyone else was applauding his talent, but I was falling—quietly, completely.

Someone told me later that day that someone else had been watching me—maybe a potential suitor. But I didn’t care. If it wasn’t him, it didn’t matter. I left the gymnasium early, unable to stay when my heart was already somewhere else.

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Then came the end of the school year. I searched for him on the last day, just hoping to catch a final glimpse. Instead, one of his classmates told me he already had a girlfriend. She was younger, beautiful, and someone who belonged in his world.

My heart quietly broke that day.
I spent the whole vacation grieving something I never even had.

I kept my distance when the new school year began. I didn’t want to interfere with his happiness, even if I was still hurting. Just because I liked him didn’t mean I had the right to disrupt his world.

Still, he lingered in my thoughts. I’d see him sometimes at school and silently hoped he wouldn’t notice me—because I wasn’t ready to face him.

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I found a new circle of friends that year, and one of them became interested in me. A suitor.

My friends encouraged the idea, constantly teasing us, saying I should move on—especially since the person I liked had already chosen someone else.

They told me to stop wasting time on someone who didn’t value my feelings. But the truth was—I never wanted him to value my feelings. I never expected anything in return. I just wanted to be the friend who stayed, the one who reminded him he wasn’t alone.

But maybe they were right, I thought. Maybe I should try. Maybe something good could come out of letting go.

So I took a risk.

But that risk broke me. The relationship I forced myself into only left me more lost. I was pressured, humiliated, manipulated—I began to lose the version of myself I had worked so hard to understand.

I tried to run from it all, but he kept pulling me back, insisting we fix things. He even witnessed the way I looked at John. He wasn’t jealous. He simply believed that, eventually, I would forget.

But four months passed, and I didn’t.
Instead, I became toxic.

He gave up on us first, but my friends turned against me too. I was honest about what I felt—that I couldn’t love someone who wasn’t John—but they saw it as betrayal.

They didn’t know how much I regretted taking that risk in the first place.

I was alone after that. My ex painted me as the villain to everyone. I stayed silent, unable to defend myself—because in some ways, maybe he was right.

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And just when I thought I had no one left, John returned.

He didn’t judge me. He didn’t ask for an explanation. He just was there. His empathy made the loneliness fade, and in his presence, I began to feel like myself again.

It was because of him that I decided to step out of the shadows. I wanted him to see the real me.

So I joined the CAT officers, the student leadership training program that felt like military training. I thought maybe, just maybe, if I became someone he could admire—a leader—he might notice me in a different light.

Even though my ex and former friends were there, I didn’t care anymore. My heart had found its direction.

He gave me the strength to face my fears.

All except one—
Confessing that I had fallen in love with him.

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To John,

There are so many things I never got the chance to say—but here are a few of them, written the only way I know how.

I’m truly glad you came back into my life. When you told me you're not seeing anyone, a part of me felt a strange mix of relief and regret. I realized how much I had distanced myself from you—for no real reason at all. I kept avoiding you, not because of anything you did, but because I was afraid… of my own feelings, of being seen too closely, of being misunderstood.

I hope this time we can grow closer again. It made me smile when I saw you playing that game I used to love. I’m sorry I’ve stopped playing it—I just don’t have time for computer shops anymore. And honestly, I was never as good as you. But seeing that part of you, the way you enjoy it, made me feel warm inside. I’m glad you’re becoming more comfortable sharing your thoughts with me. It means more than you know.

Please don’t worry—I promise that when I finally gain the confidence I’ve been searching for, I’ll face you with a smile. Maybe even talk to you in person instead of hiding behind words and messages.

Just… wait for me a little longer, will you?
I’m still learning how to stop being awkward around the person I love.

Always,
Your online friend.

-kzraem