Mute Songbird (boyxboy) -Complete-

Emotion Overload

I can't say I was surprised he followed me, although it pissed me off. Of course NOT following me would have been much worse. He really couldn't win at that point and I hated myself for it. I was being stupid and immature and just basically pitching a hissy fit. I was literally angry about him not communicating with me while I stormed off and refused to, you got it, communicate. At least I recognized my asinine behavior. That counts for something, right?

What did surprise me is that he didn't grab me and spin me around, forcing me to talk. Instead he took my hand in his and walked silently beside me. The feeling of his hand wrapped around mine was almost enough to make me forget my name much less my problems, but they continued to simmer while I focused on him for a minute.

I wiggled my fingers a bit and he relaxed his hold just enough for me to adjust my grip and lace my fingers into his. My other hand managed to grab my phone and type out sorry. I showed it to him, then expanded on it. Not mad at you. Happy for you I swear. Frustrated with life.

"As long as you're not mad at me, you can be as pissed off as you want. I wish I could help, Asher. I picked up your notebook, do you want to sit and talk?"

You are helping. I looked at my slightly rumpled notebook, glad that I couldn't throw worth a damn, then took it and slipped it into my pocket.

"Is it because I came out and you don't feel like you can?"

I shrugged my shoulders and nodded a bit.

"I'm sorry. I'll help you, whenever you're ready. Is it other stuff too?"

Affirmative.

"Why did you throw your notebook? Are you frustrated that you can't say what's on your mind? Or want to say something you can't?"

I nodded sadly.

He stopped and leaned against a tree. I ended up facing him by default, our hands still linked. "You can, you know. I'll wait. I know it's hard to type it all out, or write it, whatever, but I'll listen Asher. You can tell me. Anything. And I was thinking that you should teach me all the signs you know, and we can watch videos online, right? That would be easier for you than writing, right? And in the fall we could take the sign language class at school, okay? We can learn, Asher. I want to."

And then, when I was already embarrassed to the point of death, I started crying. I wanted to smash my head into a tree but instead I sank to the ground and tried to cover my face. I was going to lose him if I didn't get my shit together but instead of helping, that thought just made everything worse. Here he was being nice to me after I'd been a drama queen and for the encore, I was crying.

He didn't understand though and I couldn't explain it to him. I couldn't tell him that the only therapy they thought might help me would mean I absolutely couldn't sign or write him notes at all. Or that I might not even be here in the fall and that it was my fault. I wanted him to know that my dad had quit his cushy, stable job to move my family closer to the best hospital in Chicago because of my stroke, and that we'd moved over and over when those jobs fizzled out, all because of me. I wanted to tell him that he was the first friend I'd had in years and that I thought he was beautiful and sexy as hell, and that I wanted him to kiss me so badly I could barely stand it sometimes. That when he talked I watched his lips move and sometimes forgot to listen to his actual words. I wanted him to know that I was scared to get closer and make plans because my future was out of my hands and it wasn't exactly bright.

"Ash? Whatever it is, it'll be okay. I know I can't fix things but I'll be here."

I managed to dry my face and stop the stupid waterfall. Crying didn't help anything. I stood and tried to wipe off the back of my pants, silently berating myself for sitting on the ground. Why?

"Why what Asher? Why will I be here?"

A quick, shy nod.

"Because I want to be. You're my friend, and well.. maybe, I mean, if you want to.... um, more than that?"

I stared as I ran his words back through my head.

"But only if you want! No pressure, please. I mean, it's just that you're really cute, and sweet, and I care about you and... Ash?" he asked, obviously nervous.

I didn't know what to do. I felt frozen, but my heart was beating so hard I thought I might pass out.

"Oh my god, are you having a stroke?" he asked, gripping my shoulders, his eyes wild.

I lifted my arms above my head to make sure I could. I could understand him, and move. No, no I wasn't. I smacked him in the arm for scaring me and gave him a nasty look.

"Don't SCARE me like that!" he practically yelled.

And maybe it was just because I was on emotional overload, but the look on his face was hysterical. I laughed, then kept on laughing. By the time I stopped he was leaning on a tree staring at me like I had grown an extra head and I wasn't sure if I was still laughing or if I had transitioned back into crying.

"Are you finished now?"

No, no I wasn't. I walked over to him and since he was leaning against the tree, trying to look all cool, he was at my height. I kissed him quickly, on those lips I'd been staring at for weeks, then ran as fast as I could back to my house. I ran in the front door then took the stairs two at a time. I tossed his bag down the stairs and locked my door, burying myself under my blankets. What the hell had I just done?