Confession of Depression

You gain some You lose some

I hear people say 'you gain some and you lose some' but I feel like I've lost more than I have gained. And somewhere in between losing all these things that were important in my life I lost myself but I tried to keep happy at school and home, but the truth is I was disappearing behind the smile on face. The worst part was, I felt like everyone around me knew who I was except me. The whole time I felt like I was losing people but maybe in reality I was just loosing myself from giving everything I am to hold on to things that didn't care anymore. I went from one drug to the next trying to find my identity (and by drug I don't mean illegal drugs. I mean drugs as in things that are supposed to make you happy like friends, music, God and love. Those kinds of drugs). I keep clinging on to these things like my life depends on it and I build my life around these things because they are the only thing that is keeping me between happiness and depression. Love and Friends is something I am being so dependent on at the moment, I don't why because I know that it will all be over one day because if there is one thing I have learnt is that all good things come to an end. I feel like these 'drugs' are a thin piece of thread that I am hanging on to and below me is a big pit of darkness so I am trying so hard not to fall but we all know that a thin piece of thread is not going to hold a person for long. I'm pretty much just waiting and waiting for it to snap and for me to fall so hard and so quickly like I have done so many times before. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope that maybe the next time I fall and pick myself back up that maybe that time I won't fall again... maybe once I climb out of the darkness then I will be on a stable ledge and I'll be okay again. But I don't know, there is a limited amount of times you can fall then pick yourself up again till you just have to give up and I think that the next time I fall I think I might just give up and stay down.

You probably know what it's like to pick up the razor time after time, making new cuts. Or to wake up every day with suicidal thoughts but never actually do it purely just for the people around you. And I bet you that you know the feeling of emptiness and numbness, where you are so beyond the point of sadness and depression that you don't even feel anything anymore. It's just a constant battle to win the war. And I am so sick to death of people looking at me like I am injured or weak. People think depression is a sign of weakness and that the person needs comfort but what they don't know is we are stronger than them. We have to go through all the voices in our head, hiding scars, pushing back suicidal thoughts in maths class, the deep aches in our chest that we can't understand why we have, watching everyone around us laughing and being happy when we feel dead inside but we cover it up by laughing with them, going from happy to sad in just a second, the constant 'are you okay?' questions that we're never sure how to answer, the tears we cry behind closed doors and the things people say to us that weren't said to hurt us but we take things personally and it plays in our head while we look at ourselves in the mirror and hate the person in front of us. We have to go through all of this yet we still manage to fake a smile and hold back the tears and we still get up every day not knowing if it's going to be a good day without depression or if it's going to be a day where depression hits us hard. There is no in-between. We are fighting a constant battle that people think is just a weakness. And they try and heal you with shit like councillors and wise words. But no amount of wise words is going stop the bleeding and let me tell you something, I have been to councillor after councillor talking about problems and I kept telling them that everything was okay now and that I didn't need any more help, and now I don't see them anymore, but I am left feeling the same. There is a lot of things that depressed people hate but here is probably the top four: Sympathy, talking, people and themselves.

I think I'm getting better... but maybe that's just the hope talking. I'm trying to find God... but maybe that's just desperation calling. I'm trying to find myself.... But maybe that's just faith talking. Whatever it is I hope I'm going to be okay. And I can tell you this: I am trying so freaking hard to get better. I just hope one day my parents can look at me with proud, loving eyes and I will feel like I actually freaking deserve it. But till then I am stuck on this merry-go-round called depression....