my escape • study group x reader

chapter twenty-five • episode 7

this chapter contains talk of self-harm

My mind was racing so fast I couldn't even think straight. I was alone in my room, it was the night we would enter the Training Center...and it had been a full day since Se-Hyeon had spoken to me. After we kissed, Se-Hyeon vanished. He didn't say anything after he did it, he just grabbed his bag and left. That event started this entire episode. I felt like I couldn't catch my breathe for the entire day and I didn't sleep a wink last night. My mind had been racing so fast I had no chance to even keep up.

I could die tonight. I could die after finally kissing a boy that I liked...but he had gone silent. Did that mean he didn't like me? He doesn't think i'm pretty enough? He regretted it the second it happened even though we kissed more than once. Was he hurt? Did something happen to him after he left and I'm just being selfish, thinking that he's ignoring me? I almost pulled up his contact but slammed my phone back down onto my bed. I stood and paced the room, biting my nails and trying to calm down.

My gaze shot to the bottom drawer of my nightstand. I tore my eyes away, but somehow I kept coming back to it. If i relapsed now I could just blame it on whatever would happen in the Training Center...No, no, Se-Hyeon would know. Se-Hyeon always knew. Would he care this time?

I growled in frustration and dropped to the floor, pulling my knees up to my chest as I leaned against my bed. A relapse would calm me down, it would give me a chance to think. I could breathe again if I just made one, tiny, cut. My eyes trailed to the drawer again. I balled up my hair into both of my fists and closed my eyes, tugging at my hair to maybe quiet my brain just for a second.

I just needed to wait. If I waited until tonight, I was guaranteed to get hurt and then I could find a way to blend new cuts into whatever injuries I sustained. I had to be smart.

I was opening the drawer before I could even stop myself and taking out the box I hadn't touched in weeks. I bit my lip, staring at the little box in my hands. Was I really going to throw away all of my progress? How could I hide it from the others? I dropped to the floor again and placed the box beside me. My heart felt like it would explode at any second, my entire body was shaking.

I sat up slightly to peak at my phone lying face down on my mattress.

Call me next time you think about hurting yourself, okay?

I promised I would...but now it had been a full day without speaking to him. He hated me. He thinks i'm disgusting, my lips are chapped and my face was oily...He doesn't care what I do to myself anymore.

I grabbed my phone and stared at it. I pulled up my emergency contacts, Se-Hyeon's being at the top. The second name was Yoon Ga-min, the third was Ji-woo. Ga-min wouldn't know what to do, and Ji-woo would just call Se-Hyeon. Should I call Jun? He wouldn't know what to do either, he didn't even know that I struggled with this. Hee-won? She was too innocent, she would sob in my face and say everything I didn't need to hear.

Se-Hyeon was my only option. My finger lingered over his contact. What if he doesn't answer? What if he doesn't even help us tonight because of me? What if i get hurt tonight without having spoken to him for the entire day?  I was losing my mind.

Suddenly, my phone started to vibrate and Se-Hyeon's contact information flashed across the screen with the photo we'd taken together when i was in the hospital. I stared at it, almost in shock. I answered the call, and pressed my phone to my ear.

"Can I come over?" His voice came through as soon as he realized I'd answered the call.

"What?" I asked, not realizing just how hoarse and pathetic my voice would sound.

There was a micro pause before he answered. "Are your parents home? Can I come over?"

I hesitated and my eyes trailed to the little box in my lap. I cleared my throat. "T...They're not home, but—"

"I'll be right there, okay?" He hung up and I was alone again. I lifted the box and slowly walked it back to my bedside drawers, sliding it back to its spot. I turned to the full length mirror that I had propped up beside my bedroom door, it was cracked and old but it was still in tact enough to see how utterly disgusting i looked.

I was engulfed in a hoodie that was two sizes too big, my hair hadn't been combed, my face was puffy, my eyes were bloodshot and surrounded with dark circles. If he saw me like this, he really would never want to kiss me again. I tugged the hoodie off and pulled on a casual t-shirt with a pair of elastic shorts before combing my hair and rushing to the bathroom to splash my face with ice cold water. My face was dripping when the gate buzzed, notifying me that Se-Hyeon had arrived. I stared at myself in the bathroom mirror. I still looked almost homeless, but I dabbed my face dry with a hand towel and rushed through the house to open the gate and wait for him at the front door.

He walked straight up to me, his steps never once faltering, and immediately wrapped his arms around me in hug. I could smell his shampoo and even the minty toothpaste he'd used this morning.

"I'm so sorry about yesterday," he said. "I said some things to you that I shouldn't have and when you were upset I kissed you without even thinking about your feelings. I'm so sorry, y/n."

I hesitated, my arms hanging at my side while Se-Hyeon held me. I tried to speak but I couldn't form the words, I was...shocked? Confused?

He pulled away but held my shoulders so that I would say directly in front of him. "You haven't texted me today so I was starting to worry."

"You haven't text me either," I mumbled.

"Well...You always text first on the weekends." He watched me, reading my expression so that he could properly assess the situation.

"What?" I asked, finally meeting his eyes.

"On the weekends you always text me first, I thought that was something you took pride in so I didn't want to...you know...take it away from you."

I furrowed my eyebrows. My mind was so cloudy, I had absolutely no idea what he was talking about. I grabbed his wrist and pulled him inside, suddenly remembering that the entire neighborhood could probably hear our conversation while we stood at the front door. I drug him all the way to my bedroom and closed the door behind us.

"I thought...I thought you weren't texting me on purpose because you didn't want to talk to me. I thought I'd freaked you out or something." I couldn't meet his eyes again but I could feel his gaze burning into me.

He was quiet for a second, as if trying to decide exactly what needed to be said. "You didn't freak me out. I thought I freaked you out."

I felt like I was going to cry. I almost relapsed over a misunderstanding. I was hopeless.

He seemed to notice my quivering lip because he placed both hands on my face and ran his thumb over the corner of my lip. "There's nothing about you that would make me ignore you, not on purpose."

I nodded and sniffed. "I almost..." I stopped myself. He leaned down so that our eyes were aligned and I had no choice but to meet his. I shook my head. "You don't think i'm gross?"

He laughed. "No. I think the exact opposite."

"And if I get hurt tonight you're still going to care?"

His smile faded a little. "Even if my feelings for you had changed, I would still care."

"Your feelings haven't changed?"

"They haven't changed."

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A/N: I know that Se-Hyeon seems a little out of character ish in these filler chapters but i do it on purpose :) it's to show that he's more comfortable/confident around y/n