my escape • study group x reader

chapter twenty-four • episode 7

Se-Hyeon was silent for the remainder of our "meeting" and when the others decided it was finally time to go home, and that we'd discussed all we needed to discuss, Se-Hyeon stayed behind. I assumed he wanted to be left to his thoughts and stood to leave, but his hand found mine and pulled me back into my seat. He didn't say a word until everyone else was out of the room and down the hall.

"You know you're going to get hurt, don't you? That's why you want to go inside with the others?" His words were stern. He sounds almost angry at me and I felt a pang of anxiety strike my heart.

"What?" I asked, furrowing my eyebrows.

He finally looked at me, and then his eyes trailed down to my arm, and then back up again. "You're finding new ways to hurt yourself."

I felt my mouth fall open. For some reason anger bubbled up into my chest. "How could you say that? Do you know how hard i've been trying to stay clean?"

"It's hard for you to go this long without feeling some type of pain...You're searching for it again, right?" I couldn't decipher his emotions, I couldn't read his mind. "Since I know that you cut yourself, you can't do that anymore because i'll notice. You're finding new ways to receive that comfort."

I stood my feet, pushing my chair back as I did so. "Who the hell are you to tell me what i'm trying to do? God forbid I want to stop being a fucking coward and help my friends." I started to walk away from him, my face turning bright red with anger. I heard his chair scrape and then his hand wrapped around my wrist, pulling me around to face him. I stumbled and ended up so close to him that our chests were almost touching. I took a step back. "You can't just say something like that and expect me to listen."

He studied me for what felt like minutes, and for a moment his eyes started to go soft again. He almost looked at me now like he usually did and a few inches of tension disappeared. He held my wrist as we stood there, not letting me leave. He wasn't speaking, he wasn't apologizing.

I pulled my arm out of his grasp. "I just want to be of some help. I'm not just some broken girl that's constantly searching for ways to kill herself."

"Have you ever thought of that?" He asked suddenly.

"Thought of what?"

"Killing yourself," his expression turned back serious.

My body seemed to attract all of the tension in the room. Why was he asking me that? How would he look at me if I told him the truth? Would he forbid me from even going with them to the training center? Did he have the power to do that? He didn't.

My silence seemed to make him uncomfortable. "You have?"

I shook my head. "No."

"You're lying," he stepped closer to me, erasing the distance I had purposely put between us.

"I'm not lying," I shook my head. "Why would you even ask something like that anyways? I'm pissed at you."

He touched my hand. "You're only pissed because i'm right."

"You're wrong."

"Why is it so hard for you to realize that I can see you?" He eyes were back soft. "I know more about you than anyone else in this school...in this world. Why can't you just accept that I'm not going to abandon you the second you tell me something uncomfortable?"

I felt involuntary tears build up behind my eyes. "You're wrong." My bottom lip began to tremble and before I knew it, I couldn't hold back my tears. "I'm not that messed up, I'm clean."

"It's okay if you're not." He placed a hand on my face and pushed my hair away from where it's been stuck to my cheeks. "But it's not okay for you to deal with it in silence."

"I've been doing good these last few weeks, I've been happy. You're wrong, you're making stuff up so that I don't go inside that building." I met his eyes. "You're just freaking me out so that I don't put myself in danger."

"You're allowed to make your own decisions, I don't care about that. I'm just worried about you." His other hand found its way to my face as well, pushing that hair away as well.

"I'm happy." I nodded.

He nodded too. "Okay. I believe you."

I fell against him, my head landing in his chest and my arms wrapping around his waist. I hated this. I hated this so much. I hated how smart he was. I hated how right he was.

His palm was pressed against the back of my head and he was silent as he held me. After a while, he pulled me off of his chest and cleared my face, looking at it with worry and guilt. He cupped my cheeks and searched my eyes as if looking for something specific.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" I whispered.

He used his thumb to wipe away some of my final tears. "I'm thinking about all of the things I'll regret not doing if something happens to you tomorrow."

"Will you only regret not doing it if something happens?" My eyes flickered to his lips before I could even stop myself.

He shook his head. "I think I'd regret it for the rest of my life."

"Then do it."

He met my eyes for a second before his gaze flickered down to my lips. He ran his thumb over my cheek again, and then, finally...he leaned in.

Our lips clashed softly at first, hesitantly. We only became one for a second before pulled away to read my expression, to read whether or not I was okay with what had just happened. I placed my hand over his and stole his move, leaning in first this time. Our lips touched for a second time, this time more confidently. His body was more relaxed now and the leftover saltiness of my tears had subsided. This was the closest we'd ever been, and suddenly, I never wanted to be apart from him ever again. It was like he'd been ripped away from me when he pulled away this time and dropped his hands from my face.

"I'm so worried about you I could die," he whispered, our bodies still close to one another.

"You just gave me another reason to stay safe." I responded, dreading the moment we would be forced to step away. I had never felt this way in my entire life, I had never wanted to be near someone so badly it hurt. He was right in front of me but it wasn't enough. I had never intended on Se-Hyeon being the person to bring out these emotions in me, but now that he had, I couldn't imagine it being anyone else.

Tomorrow I would find that knife. Tomorrow I would prove Sun-Cheol innocent. Tomorrow I would end this ongoing torture and get us one step closer to having our normal lives back. I wanted to life calmly, happily, and safe. Tomorrow, I hoped I could help Sun-Cheol and all of us get that life back even if it was just for a little bit.

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