A Language All Our Own

Personal shit

The light coming from the entrance glares against the tears streaming down Ashlyn's face. She inhales shakily as Ali continues to rub small circles on her back.

"My brothers in a coma, I can't get any of my personal shit together, and now I'm a worse goalkeeper than the shitty middle school kids I coach," Ashlyn says, the distress clearly present on her face. Ashlyn thinks to herself that she is being stupid, but then cuts herself off. She knows that she has opened up to Ali more than anyone else in her life, so she might as well keep going.

"Well do you wanna start with your 'personal shit'?"

"I just- I don't know Al. I really don't know."

"C'mon, yes you do. Just tell me Ash." Ali looks up, a deep concern lingering in her eyes. Ashlyn can see all of the crevices of her face more clearly than usual with the way the light was reflecting off the turf. Her cinnamon colored eyes looked concerned, and the dimples that were always accompanied with a smile were somewhat faded. With a sudden rush of adrenaline, Ashlyn knew that the human sitting next to her could be trusted with the world.

Ashlyn raises her hands to sign, suspicious of unwelcome eavesdroppers. "I think I'm gay Ali. Actually, I know I'm gay, and I'm going to die alone. I'm scared Ali. How the hell do you go home and tell your bible-banging family- who has far worse things to concern themselves over- that you're freaking out because of a stupid thing like this? And you probably want to run the hell away from me right now, but please, I can't have anyone else leave-"

"Who in their right mind would let you die alone Ashlyn," Ali signs back. She looks Ashlyn dead in the eye, and Ashlyn breaks down again, throwing herself into Ali's arms. The ball rolls out from under her, and she brings her knees in closer to her. Remaining upright, Ali can feel the shakes of Ashlyn's chest resounding throughout her body, and she relives the pain that she felt when Kyle was in the same situation. Ali kisses Ashlyn on top of her head, inhaling the scent of the cheap hotel shampoo. She pulls Ashlyn closer to her, trying to absorb pain that Ashlyn can't seem to shake off. The two sit there for awhile, thinking about everything and nothing all at the same time.

"Thank you Alex," Ashlyn mumbles as she lets tears stream down her cheeks. Ashlyn's words are too quiet to run through Ali's hearing aids, but she definitely makes out the distinct sound of "Alex".

"I like it," Ali says. Ashlyn looks up from the crook of Ali's shoulder with a questioning look. "You calling me Alex. I like it." Without hesitation, Ashlyn sits up, and her sad eyes flicker about Ali's face.

Without thinking, Ali quickly leans in and catches Ashlyn's lips between her own. She can feel through her lips Ashlyn resisting a sob, and immediately tries to take away her pain. The kiss is sweet and innocent, and it doesn't call for an end. Ashlyn places her hands on either side of Ali's face, and Ali's hands clasp behind Ashlyn's neck. The kiss lingers for awhile, then Ali feels Ashlyn taking in a sharp breath.

Ashlyn pulls away, a wild look on her face. She looks more lost than she did a minute before, if even possible. Her eyebrows were furrowed, her lip quivering. Her cheeks involuntarily twitch.

What have I done, Ali thinks to herself, as she gets up to gather the balls.

Ashlyn continues to look shock and hurt all the same, and Ali quickly slips by her to leave.

"Ash, it's 11:20, you need to-"

"I know Al, just go," Ashlyn says. Ali is shocked by how cold and distant she sounds, and she leaves the pitch alone with Ashlyn's laundry bag in hand.

___

"What the hell was that Al?" Kelley says as soon as Ali closes their door shut.

"What?" Ali responds as nonchalantly as possible.

"You making out with blondie on the pitch at 11:30 pm," she says, emphasizing the "pm".

Ali's heart races while she attempts to quickly come up with something. She forgot that the team was staying in rooms directly above the field. "Um..."

"Al, what the hell are you doing?" Kelley asks with a sharp tone of voice. Ali feels hurt at Kelley's words, and she can feel a pit in her stomach begin to open up. She just kissed Ashlyn Harris. A girl. And Kelley saw.

Seeing the hurt and confusion on Ali's face, Kelley sighs and moves over on her bed so Ali can join her.

Ali sits down and begins to cry. She cries for Ashlyn, but mainly, she cries for herself. She thought that she was confident with who she was- who she was becoming. But by involuntarily coming out to Kelley, she realizes that she is every bit as lost as Ashlyn.

Kelley wraps an arm around her friend, and strokes Ali's long brown hair.

"Ali, I don't care that you kissed a girl. I know that's why you're freaking out." Ali continued to cry. "Shhh, Alex. It's okay," Kelley says softly.

Kelley purses her lips as she tries to think of a way to get her point across without upsetting Ali. Her first attempt had obviously failed, as Ali is now crying like a child in her arms.

"Al, you're gay- I don't care. What I do care about is that you're screwing with the feelings of someone who doesn't deserve that right now, okay? We have late training tomorrow, we can go out in the morning and talk about what ever you need to talk about, but right now, you need sleep. Okay Al?" Ali nods her head, and begins to crawl out of Kelley's bed. Taking pity on the distraught looking Ali, Kelley motions for her to stay.

"You're not okay Al. Just stay here. It will make you feel less alone." Ali nods, remembering those exact words coming out of her own mouth two years ago when Kelley first joined the team.

After being ripped apart by Pia during a national team camp, Kelley was sent back to her room early from training. She cried in Ali's arms later that night, debating if she even wanted to play soccer.

"Ali, I don't know anyone here. Pia hates me. No one on this team has any interest in knowing me. I'm ready to be done." Ali remembers holding the younger girl close and attempting to help her fight off the thoughts of failure looming over her.

"Just stay with me, it will make you feel less alone."

That day was the beginning of their sibling-like friendship that meant the world to both of them. They had roomed together ever since, and thought of each other as family.

With Ali starting to go to sleep in her arms, Kelley was finally able to relax about her friend and turn her thoughts to the only person she could possibly be more concerned about- Ashlyn Harris.

What is Ashlyn doing right now? Kelley wondered, as she too drifted off to sleep.