Shoot The Jerk

Chapter 8: A Foetus in Your Mother's Uterus.

At first I didn’t understand what he was saying. Then it dawned upon my senses.

Bitch! She is such a manipulating bitch!

Thank god Principal Baxter was smart enough to see through her little bit of acting, otherwise I’d have been slapped with bullying charges. Can’t believe I felt guilty. If I get my hands on her again I’m going to—

“Sit down.”

Both of us sat down in front of his desk, while he took his chair, which was more like a couch. He started munching on his pizza.

“So, want to tell me what it is between you two?”

“Umm…no?”

“That wasn’t a question, Kayla Jean Jackson.”

“Well, it sure sounded like one.” She muttered.

“Don’t act smart, Kayla. I know all about the head banging incident in the cafeteria. Also, you were literally going at each others’ throats outside the restroom, before Kayla started her ‘I’m innocent act’ to try and fool me. I do not advocate violence in my school, children. And since the shrink’s on leave today, let me do this one by one. Kayla, why do you loathe Jake?”

She kept staring out of the window with a bored expression on her face.

“Why are you not answering my question?” Principal Baxter asked.

“Maybe because the last question you asked me wasn’t actually a question, so I don’t know whether this one was a question? Wait a second, was this a question?”

“Now that you’ve drenched me with a bucketful of sarcasm, can you please answer the question?”

“See, there you go again. How am I supposed to know if that’s a question?”

Principal Baxter turned to me with a pained expression.

“Ah Jake, this is why she’s an average scorer. If she just listened to the textbook instead of arguing with it, she’d be a brilliant student.”

“I don’t waste my time arguing with textbooks.” And that was, you guessed it, Kayla shooting her mouth off again.

By now, I was getting sort of uncomfortable about this Oh-we-are-diaper-buddies attitude in the room. I mean I hadn’t said a word since the principal arrived on scene. Even if I’d said something it would have drowned amidst their bickering.

“So, how do you two know each other, um, outside of school?”

What I really wanted to say was this, ‘Is it just me, or is this starting to feel like a kitty party?’ But I have a feeling that wouldn’t have gone down too well with two old friends catching up.

“My mother decided to grace him with her friendship when they were in eighth grade, which is why I’m stuck with him for my Sunday brunch company.”

Kayla stated it like a well rehearsed line.

“He was all lonely because my mother’s best friend had dumped him because he was too fat and looked ugly with braces and had bad breath and—”

“And I have decided my punishment for you, which will extend to two weeks if you continue lying about my charms in eighth grade.”

“Charms, pssh. What charms?”

He ignored her and turned to me. I was starting to notice a pattern out here.

“Ah, Jake, as you know, this is the most respectable school in the district—”