As I Am

Chapter Nine

            Hadley looks at me again, her expression hard. “Is that your way of trying to get me to talk to you?” she asks.

            I shake my head. “It actually happened. That…Craig, guy, I think. Evan said he was drunk. You didn’t hear about it?”

            Hadley turns back to gazing at the water and her hair flies across her nose. “I heard that someone got hit. I didn’t know that someone was you.”

            I shrug and pull a hair away from my mouth.

            “Are you okay?”

            “I have a concussion. Or at least, I think I still do.”

            “I’m sorry,” she states.

            I shrug again and realize that I need to stop doing that. “Things happen,” I say.

            We listen to the sound of the waves in quiet for a long time, neither of us wanting to interrupt each other’s thoughts. Hadley isn’t crying anymore, but her face is still red, and despite only being with her twice – this time included – I can tell that she’s sad.

            I rest my chin on my knees and wonder what my mom is doing. I don’t know how upset I made her, or angry. I hope for angry, because I can deal with that. When my dad gets home, I know she’ll tell him, whether she wants to or not. He always knows when something’s off and he always has a way of getting my mother or I to say it, even if it’s the last thing we want to talk about.

            I wonder if he’ll be mad at me. I wonder if I made things worse with them. They always act like I’m their problem, like I’m the one they have to watch out for and made them move here for the summer, like I had begged them to. But I’m the one dealing with a loss, not them.

            “He’s not coming home next week,” Hadley whispers. I lift my chin just as she rests hers down on the space between her knees. “My dad, I mean. He’s stationed overseas and was supposed to come back, but now he’s not.”

            “I’m sorry,” I say, because she’s sad about it and I don’t know what else to do.

            “My mom pretends she’s not upset but I know she is. She’s just trying not to upset my brothers and sister, for their sake.”

            “But that’s a good thing, isn’t it?”

            Hadley presses her lips into a thin line. “I guess it is. But I don’t like her seeing her pretending things are okay.”

            “Sometimes pretending is better than feeling,” I say.

            Hadley looks at me, but not like she usual does. It’s like she’s trying to see into me, trying to tell what I’m thinking and what I mean, but she doesn’t ask about my words. She just nods and let’s go of her legs.