The Day Hope was Murdered

6. If at first you fail, please don't try again

Then my vision clears. The fog is gone.

The body is Amanda. There are bags under her eyes and she looks like she hasn't slept in days. Her face is free of the makeup usually piled on.

I smile weakly at her and nearly slip into unconsciousness for the hundredth time, but she grabs my arm.

I open my eyes and immediately she reaches and wraps her arms around my torso, hugging me.

I look over her shoulder. There's a monitor screen to my right and many tubes. The walls are pristine white.

She lets go. "Leila, don't you ever do that to me again." A tear falls from her left eye.

I ask "What happened?"

She looks at me, her face blank. A sigh escapes her lips. "Leila, you were in a coma. For three weeks you, you didn't wake up."

What? I am sure my face mirrors that of a mother's when she find out her 14-year-old daughter is pregnant. Shock. Disbelief. How?

Seeing the shock and confusion on my face, Amanda expounds. "I won't go into the details because I don't even know them all, but you tried to commit suicide. I don't know how you planned to do it or for god's sake, even why, but you did. And somehow in the process you conked your head." A thoughtful look crosses her face. It appears that she's battling whether or not she should say something.

I'm so confused. I was just on the verge of a breakthrough regarding Hope's murderer, so there's no way I'd want to . . . To . . . Gosh, I don't even want to say it. There must be a mistake. But then again, Hope's murder has been weighing on me a lot lately . . .

Suddenly, Amanda breaks down, "Why, Leila? Why did you want to die? Didn't you even stop to think what that would do to me?" Tears are falling from both of her eyes now. "It seems like you don't even care anymore. Like you only care about yourself. You know, Hope's death has affected me as well. I knew her just as much as you." Her voice breaks.

I still can't figure out if she's right. Would I really want to do something like that? Kill myself? Everything that happened to me recently I can't remember so who knows? Perhaps I did. But gosh, I sure hope not, if not for Amanda's sake, for mine. And then I realize that Amanda is waiting for my response. "I... I didn't want to die. I don't want to die." I stumble over my words, trying and failing to form a coherent sentence. "I just, I honestly don't remember what happened. I'd never want to die though."

She looks at me through her tears. Doubt rings through her voice and eyes. "Whatever, Leila. Don't tell me. I'm sick of your oscillating behavior. This is bullcrap." She gets up from her seated position on a chair and turns away. She reaches for the doorknob and-

"Amanda." I need her. Somethings not right and I need to find out what it is.

She turns around to me. And now on her face, in addition to the sadness is disgust. Most likely for me, but I deserve it, don't I? At least from her point-of-view. After all, according to her, I attempted suicide. Very quietly, so that I can barely hear her, she mutters, "I'll give you five minutes to explain and if you don't then I'm leaving."

I try to lighten the mood. "Weren't you already leaving?"

Amanda pauses. "I didn't mean it that way. I meant I'm leaving you as a best friend."

Fear grasps at my heart. "No, Amanda. No, don't- I'll explain to you. Just give me a minute, please."

She quips. "I already said I'd give you five."

Even though her voice is brutal, the relief washes over me like a tidal wave. I have no idea where to begin and I can't just outwardly say I didn't intend to kill myself, because maybe I'm wrong and maybe she'd leave my life and never come back. She wouldn't believe me. I'm so conflicted. I don't want to say the wrong thing. So I figure the best place as any to start is the beginning, right? Yes, I'll start with an explanation of Hope's murder, what led up to it, and what led me to here. I haven't gotten the chance to do so yet. So, hesitatingly, I begin. "Months ago, back when Hope was still alive, do you remember that day she died, we were supposed to go to the beach?"