THE BLEEDING HEARTS PROGRAM

TWENTY-FOURTH TUTORIAL

He didn't admit it but, every time Junya went to the hospital, he was scared out of his mind. He didn't know if a simple checkup would end up in emergency surgery or whether something like a college party could be the- he didn't even want to think about.

His son was so precious to him.

"Dad please, I said sorry and he apologised on text- it wasn't all his fault, I snuck out too so, don't be like this."

Jaehyun stayed quiet as his son continued pleading. He didn't mind being the bad guy every once in a while. Even if Nair had said to let it go as kids would be kids, he still couldn't let it go.

Being ignored was starting to make Junya feel suffocated. His father sometimes just made decisions on his behalf and that made him feel like his life wasn't his own... he understood that it was for him but, if he had to continue living a controlled life, he'd rather end it.

He didn't want to live like this anymore.

"Why are you doing this to me again? If you don't want me to see hyung, do you just want me to die instead?"

"You think I'd do all this if I just wanted you to die," Jaehyun asked with a sad expression. "I love you so much, I'm doing this all for you..."

"Then... why do you have to make me miserable all the time?"

Nair bit her lip nervously hating that this was happening. She hated when they argued but, it couldn't be helped because both Junya and Jaehyun were very headstrong people.

"Let's not say any more hurtful things to one another," Nair reasoned gently wrapping an arm around Junya's shoulder.

"Tell him to listen to me," Junya bit back as his voice wavered. "He never listens to me-"

"All I do is listen to you-"

"What about a nap for both of you? You both get cranky when you're tired. I think you're both just really, really tired right now."
...

Just like his mother said, Junya woke up regretting what he said to his father.

He did feel frustrated but, he knew that his father made the decisions he did for him.

When he was younger and staying for long periods of time in hospital, his father stayed with him the whole time. Even working from his bedside and holding his hand until he fell asleep.

"Can I come in," a gentle voice asked opening Junya's room door. Jaehyun shook the bag from Junya's favourite bakery with a nervous smile. "I come in peace."

Junya smiled back patting the space on his bed. He found it so amusing how his dad would get so awkward at times.

"I brought you cinnamon buns."

"I thought you said I couldn't overdo sugar."

"I say a lot of things to you, this can be one of the times you don't listen to me," Jaehyun smiled handing his son the bag as he sat down.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said earlier."

"You know... I love you so much," Jaehyun sighed with a soft smile. "I know it feels like I'm a bad guy but, I do everything for you... even if you ask me to, I won't give up on you. I can't."

Junya's sight blurred as his father hugged him. He knew exactly what he was talking about. He had asked his parents so many times... especially when he was in pain, to let him go.

If his parents had gotten a healthy child, they wouldn't be going through the pain they go through. He cursed his existence for ruining their lives... he wished he wasn't born but then, every time those thoughts came to his head, he cried because his parents looked at him like he was their world.

He was selfish.

"I'm sorry dad," Junya apologised sobbing. "I'm the worst son ever-"

"I'm sorry too... I wish that I could give you the world - if I could trade it all for you to get better, I would. I wouldn't even think about it."

Junya continued crying into his father's shirt as the other stroked his back. Jaehyun held back the lump stuck on his throat as he focused on comforting his son instead.

"I'm sorry about the Raphael stuff," Jaehyun apologised once Junya had became calmer. "I'm not going to make you stop talking to him... I was just so angry... I was just saying anything."

"Really," Junya asked with hopeful eyes. "You're not just saying that?"

"Why would I lie to you," Jaehyun smiled softly wiping his son's eyes. "I'm starting to realise that I just really want to see you happy... but, don't do this again."

"I'm not," Junya agreed immediately, wrapping his pinkie around his dad's. "I promise I won't do anything crazy like this."
...

As soon as Junya had gotten his phone back, the first thing he did was text Raphael and the other called him immediately.

So, they had just been on the phone for the past four hours. It wasn't like they were speaking about anything specific but being on the phone with each other felt comfortable.

"Were you at work or at the gym?"

"I was working out to be sexy for Summer."

"But you already have abs," Junya commented before blushing. "Not that I was paying attention! I just- you know? I wasn't doing anything creepy!"

"I know, I'm sexy so everyone looks at me. It's okay, I'm just fine as fuck."

Junya rolled his eyes feeling embarrassed that he had gotten caught up.

"Are you embarrassed," Raphael teased, "you don't have to be. I say you're pretty all the time with a straight face."

"But you're crazy."

"It makes you smile though."

Raphael knew even without seeing his face that Junya was blushing and smiling on the other side. Just that thought made him warm and fuzzy inside... the same sickly sweet moment.

"I missed you- wait no, I missed this- I missed you as well but-"

"I missed you too, Junya."