Keeping Her Safe

Chapter 2

The scene at St. Joseph's was about as horrid as one could imagine.

Masses of screaming, crying parents clinging together in the parking lot, some attempting to break through the police tape and officers in an attempt to get to their children. But the school was on lockdown, there were no children in sight, and the cries of agony didn't sound like they would stop any time soon. Others, though, were deathly quiet, and that might be even more concerning. It was hard to tell who was most on edge, who was closest to breaking.

Nick Amaro, however, was nowhere to be seen in this crowd of devastated parents.

Nick, instead, was harassing a bunch of cops from Homicide, screaming and kicking as he was dragged even further from the police tape by a group of burly officers. Nick just kept begging and pleading and punching the air, but they wouldn't budge. Fin and Cragen quickly ran up to him and pulled Amaro out of their arms, holding him back themselves now. Amanda and Olivia just stood back and watched, both feeling the inescapable helplessness of the situation, both desperately wanting to just run in and save every innocent child in that school. Amanda recognized that even the horrible guilt and helplessness she was feeling must be nothing compared to what Nick was going through. His daughter was in there.

"Please, you don't understand," Nick yelled, tears stinging his eyes. "I'm a police officer, I can help you! My daughter's in there! Please-"

"Nick, come on," Cragen said gently, as though he was talking to one of their child victims. "You can't- you can't do this."

"Zara's in there, Captain," Nick said, still fighting the hands that restrained him. "Please- if it was your kid in there-"

"-Then I still wouldn't be able to do a goddamn thing," Cragen said, finishing his sentence. "Nick, I know how badly you want to go in there-"

"I need to go in there," Nick corrected him.

"I know. I know," he said softly. "But the officers on this case are doing everything they can right now, and I know this is awful, God I do, but there's nothing you or I can do about this right now. You know that."

"I just- I need to help her," Nick said softly, his voice dropping an octave.

"The best way you can help her right now, Nick, is by being strong and being there for her when she comes out."

And just like that, Nick's will to fight is completely gone. He just lets himself get dragged away by Fin and Cragen over to where Olivia and Amanda are standing in the parking lot.

"Nick-" Olivia begins, as gently as she can, but Nick cuts her off.

"-Yeah, yeah, I know what you're all thinking," he said harshly, almost bitterly. "But you would've done the same thing if it was your kid. I'm not apologizing-"

"I never asked you to," Olivia said quietly. "All I wanted to say is...I'm sorry, Nick. You shouldn't have to go through this."

Nick just gave her an unreadable expression before casting his eyes down at the ground.

"It's gonna be okay," Amanda said, finally speaking up. "She's gonna be okay. She's a strong girl. She's smart-"

"Amanda, please don't try to tell me my nine year old can outfight a gunman," Nick sighed.

"I'm sorry," she said, not knowing what else to say. "I was just...I just wanted to help you."

"Yeah, well, the only thing that's gonna help me right now is to get in that school and save my daughter. God, I can't even imagine what she's going through right now..."

And that's when it hits him.

That's when his mind is suddenly bombarded with images of Zara, cowering in fear, watching her classmates get shot at, unable to defend herself...

"Oh, Nick..." Amanda said, throwing her arms around him, and Nick realized that he had let his eyes become watery again. At this point, he didn't even care. Nick just let himself melt into her for a moment, feeling his heartbeat calm down a little just from being with her.

The next few minutes went by in a complete blur.

The commanding officer announced that the shooter had not been apprehended, and had in fact escaped, but he was no longer in the school, and as soon as the situation was stabilized the school would be taken off lockdown.

Everyone seemed to breathe a sigh of relief except for Nick, who refused to calm down until he could see his girl with his own eyes, completely unharmed.

Soon the school was taken off lockdown, the injured students (four in total) were taken into the ambulances, and parents were allowed to get their children one classroom at a time in order to prevent a stampede.

Nick was informed that all of the injured students had been in the upper grades, 7th and 8th only to be exact, and yet he still couldn't stop the burning ache in his chest.

It wasn't until he spotted Zara, totally unharmed and running into his arms, that he could breathe.

She clung to him, shivering and crying, even though she was usually a tough, independent little girl who would never be caught getting emotional in front of her classmates. Zara hadn't been this much of a mess since he and Maria had informed her of their divorce. He felt his heart clench again as he imagined what she must've seen, how afraid and alone she must have felt.

He felt completely helpless to make her stop crying, to make her feel safe. He wanted so desperately to just fix everything, to make it like this whole horrendous day had never happened, and it killed him that he couldn't. It killed him that no matter what he did, she would probably never feel safe here again.

So when she clung to him, holding on for dear life, he did the only thing he could do and clung right back.

The rest of the day was even more fuzzy than that.

After it became apparent that Zara and Nick were not going to let go of each other any time soon, Cragen came over and pulled him up by his arm and started walking him over to his car. Olivia and Amanda gave him tight hugs and told Zara how brave she was, Fin gave him a pat on the back and one of his world-famous sad smiles. Cragen told him to take the next few days off, as long as he and Zara needed. Nick finally got her into the backseat and they drove home in relative silence. When they did speak, it was him asking her if she was okay, if she was hurt, if she was okay again.

That night, Nick ordered pizza because their was no food in the house and Zara refused to be left alone when he offered to run and pick up some take-out.

They watched her favorite movie together (Frozen, of course), and Zara sat a lot closer to him on the couch than she usually did, her head practically on his shoulder. Not that he minded; after the day they had had it was more than comforting.

When Nick said goodnight to her, he finally, tearfully told her how brave she was, how strong she was, how happy he was that she was okay. Zara just smiled at him and assured him she was okay, daddy, she was okay.

Later that night, Nick awoke to Zara standing over his bed, eyes wide and clutching her stuffed bear nervously.

On any other night, Nick would've talked to her, asked her what was wrong, and he would always successfully get to the bottom of it. After he would figure out and correct her problem, he would send her right back into her own bed with a kiss on the cheek.

But tonight was different.

Tonight, Nick simply patted the spot next to him and asked her to stay.

Zara happily climbed in, and only than did either of them dare to sleep.