Wasted...

Lost in Thoughts...

October 24, 2024

I've never really been good at keeping a diary, but I guess there's a first time for everything. Maybe this will help me make sense of things.

Today, like most days, I woke up feeling like I'm just here to serve everyone else's needs. It's always the same cycle-people come to me when they need something, but when I need help, suddenly everyone is too busy, unavailable, or just gone. It's like I'm invisible until there's something they can take. It makes me feel so used, so isolated.

I don't know when it started, this constant feeling of being alone despite always being surrounded by people. Friends, family, colleagues-they all come with their hands out, but the second I need a shoulder, it's like the world has disappeared. It's not that I want to stop helping. I genuinely care about people, and I want to be there for them. But it's exhausting when no one is there for me in return. I feel drained, like a well that's been emptied one too many times, and I don't know how to refill it.

Maybe it's my fault. Maybe I've made it too easy for people to take advantage of me. I've always hated conflict, always tried to be the person who could handle things on their own, but lately, I wonder if I've just been pretending. Pretending that it doesn't hurt, pretending that I don't need anyone when, in reality, I'm desperate for someone to care. For once, I want someone to ask if I'm okay without expecting anything in return.

There are moments when I question whether I even matter to anyone. Am I just convenient? Useful when people are struggling, but not important enough to think about when they're not? It feels like I'm the most isolated person in the world, even when I'm not physically alone. How is it that I can be in a room full of people and still feel like I'm screaming into a void?

I don't know what to do anymore. Maybe I need to stop being the "go-to" person. But then, who will I be? The one thing I've always been good at-being reliable, being the one people can count on-has also become the thing that's slowly breaking me.

I hope tomorrow feels different. I hope I wake up and don't feel like everyone just takes and takes. But for now, I'm just tired. So tired.

Maybe writing this down will help. Maybe not. I guess I'll find out eventually.

- Me