hey jealousy // michael clifford

five

Michael didn't have a clue what to do with himself. It felt wrong for him to be in Avery's apartment while she wasn't there; he almost felt like he was in a restricted access area that he'd somehow stumbled upon by accident.

Her apartment wasn't overly big, sure it would easily be enough room for her by herself, but the lack of space became glaringly obviously when Michael was trying to find some way to occupy his time.

At first he'd played the Xbox for a few hours. Avery had told him it was set up so he concluded that she wouldn't care if he used it and that was okay, but Avery only had so many games and Michael could only waste so much time playing them before he got bored. If they hadn't washed the dishes after they'd eaten he would have cleaned those.

He eventually got himself something to eat but he felt bad about it. Sure Avery had told him where the food was but hadn't he already imposed himself on her life enough without eating the food that she'd bought for herself? Even things as simple and meaningless as getting the butter out of the fridge and going through the cupboards trying to find a plate felt like he was invading her privacy somehow.

In the end he was back on the couch with his head in his hands as he let out a sigh.

Michael just couldn't stop thinking about how things were so different between them now. There was a time when Michael would just waltz into the kitchen at her family home and prepare them both food like it was the most natural thing in the world. There was a time when Avery wouldn't leave his apartment without taking one of his jumpers with her. There was a time when he and Avery were a 'we', an 'us', a 'they'; people would talk about them like they were the same person.

Now he was measuring distances, making sure he wasn't too close to her; worried that he might make her uncomfortable or that the proximity might be too harsh reminder of what they'd once had. He was biting his tongue because it wasn't fair to her for him to bring up their past.

If he was being honest, all he wanted was to hold her again. She'd always kept him grounded, tethered to a world he wasn't always sure he belonged in, and he could sure as hell use some of that support now. He wouldn't ask though, it would just be cruel and unfair for him to ask that of her after the way things had ended.

Michael pulled his phone out of his pocket and thought back to earlier that morning when Avery had called him out on the fact that he still had her number; he was just glad that she hadn't commented on the fact that it was still saved under 'babygirl' rather than her actual name (he'd never been able to make himself change it).

In order to try and distract himself for a little while, he started looking for job vacancies. He knew it was unlikely that he'd hear back from any of the places he'd applied to – especially considering his only reference was the guy that had fired him just a couple of days ago and other than his previous job he was kind of lacking in experience.

He'd seriously loved his job which was why he was so pissed that he'd lost it because of a mistake that had been caused by someone else. He was sure that he'd never find another job like it; one where he was allowed to play his music over the loud speakers and it was perfectly fine for him to talk music with customers for what was sometimes hours at a time. Michael wasn't sure what it was but he'd always found stacking and re-organising the records and the CD's to be calming. That job had been the one thing in his life that worked consistently and now it was gone.

Reluctantly Michael sent a few emails out expressing his interest in some casual jobs at various fast food restaurants, along with a few random ones – one to a café looking for wait staff, one to a store that sold video games, and another to a company looking for people to work in basic customer service. None of it really sounded all that appealing to him (except maybe the one at the game shop) but, even though Michael was by no stretch of the imagination a 'responsible' or 'stable' adult, he knew he had to do something about his situation.