Call Me Ishmael

Chapter 33

"The FL00," he muttered. "Come, if you would, Finnie. Run your fingernail, the steel one, down this line, and then slide it in. That's all there is to it. The circuits will connect, and the grind will be stopped. Well, that's the theory."

A thundering roar nearly shattered my eardrums. The perfectly matched and crafted stones of the Base blew into shattered pieces, and before us stood a truly frightening sight.

The boar roared and waved it's flame-thrower. "Well, well, well. Isn't this cozy! Cozy! But it's wrong!" The boar flicked his flame-thrower on and sprayed the room. Splice dived behind her terminal, and then away from it as it exploded in a shower of sparks.

"The third one, I said! Where's the third one?"

Who knows what goes on inside the brain of a man who has turned into a pig? Winston Canoehound was back, and at the worst possible moment. Finnie froze, and I glanced at my father, still holding his invention in hands that suddenly looked very old. Bety was working his way around behind Winston, but the pig must have seen him inching behind him. Winston turned the flame-thrower and blasted Bety. I caught my breath, and then saw the dreadlocked warrior emerge from the flames, slapping at his hairy stomach.

"That really hurts, you walking ham sandwich!" He hurled his ax at Winston, but my neighbor showed more agility in that moment than in all the years I had known him. He ducked, twisted, and waved the flame-thrower. Bety dropped to the ground to avoid more flames. Without his ax, there was little he could do besides getting fried. I risked a glance at Finnie, but she was in no state to enter the fray. Even less help was Niles, who was chewing his fingernails. I could see my father and just the top of Splice's pink head; they were cowering behind the computers. If anyone was going to stop the pig, it had to be me.

"The third one, Winston? Do you know no one even knows what you're talking about?"

Winston turned toward me. I could clearly see the blue pilot flame burning deep in the muzzle of the flame-thrower, and I knew he would be turning his deadly valve. How he managed to do that with a hoof was beyond me. It was cloven, but he had no thumbs. I shook my head and focused.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about, Ishmael. You've been stealing my newspaper from the cooler on my porch for years!"

I was paralyzed as I watched, in slow motion; the flames emerge from the muzzle and push through the unresisting air, determined to snuff out my life.

In same moment, I pulled my revolver from the holster, and without taking careful aim, fired. There wasn't an opportunity to do any better, but it turned out to be good enough. The heavy bullet struck Winston full and square, sort of in the chest area. It's difficult to describe, because after all, I was battling a walking, talking pig. But when the heavy round slammed into him, there was no doubt he was not a hologram this time. I did not realize it at the time, but I had eaten my last ham sandwich.

I turned away from the sight, and hoped I could forget it someday. "Okay, Finnie. Save the world. The worlds, I mean. Well, save everything. You know what I mean."

Finnie shuddered. She looked at me, then at my smoking gun, and then at Winston. "That's really icky," she said. She turned her back on the unfortunate form of Winston and lifted the device. Very carefully, she ran her steel-tipped fingernail down the line on the side of the device until it slid perfectly into the slot. There was a small hum as the circuits engaged.

"I hope it works," my father said.

"What?"

"I hope it works. It's not like we ever tested it."

Bety walked across the room and picked up his ax. "I hope so, too. Ishmael, I'd hate to have to go to Plan B. My wife gets upset when I come home messy, and she doesn't need help getting any uglier. By the carcass of that boar over there, she gets fatter and uglier every day. But I got her, boys, and that makes me a winner."

The device continued to hum, a bit louder.

"How will we know?" I said.

"Son, we'll know because of how we find ourselves, afterward. Everything comes from our choices, but at the same time, there are no coincidences. Remember that, in case we don't see each other again. And why don't you keep that new name of yours?"

"I'll remember, dad. It was sort of a joke, calling myself that. And I'm sorry about some of the things I've said, and thought, over the years."

"That's all right, son. You had no way of knowing. You've earned the name Ishmael. Keep it. It suits you, and it fits you better than the one we saddled you with at birth. I'm sorry about that. And I'm sorry about, well, about the whole thing. Everything. Stay away from history, son. Oh, and civics. Civics will really drive you around the deep bend. Now press that blue area, Finnie."

"Why?"

"It looks like it's loose, there on the corner. Just hold onto it."

Niles reached out and took Splice's hand.

"It's not happened yet, Niles. You can relax."

Niles flustered a bit. "It's alright, Splice. It's that, dash it all, old sport, you didn't need to go to all the trouble you did. The truth is, I'm quite fond of you, Splice. Always have been, you know."

Splice smiled at him, and he grinned back. He looked like an idiotic monkey, really, but love has a way of making monkeys out of all of us. There comes the time when every monkey has to get up from the log he's sat on so comfortably for so long and scramble up the banana tree. Bananas only come to those who dare the treetops. Niles was not the only monkey in the room, and I realized it was time for another monkey to dare the treetops and take a banana.

"Finnie?"

She did not look up from the device. "What, Ishmael?"

Since she was not looking at me with her deep, delicious eyes, I decided to push on. I had squared my past with my father; I had perhaps one chance to change my future. There are no coincidences, my father said, but I had to make the decision.

"Finnie, I...I love you."

"Oh, I know that, Ishmael. Everybody knows."

I was stunned. Was I not the master of my emotions, the captain of my thoughts? I looked from my father, to Bety, to Splice, and to Niles. All of their faces, even Niles, showed the same understanding.

Finnie turned the device over in her hands. Finnie's Line, it said. "But what nobody knows is, what are you going to do about it?"

I seized her in my arms and pulled her close, in tight for a kiss, and when we kissed, it was like the first time two people had ever kissed, anywhere, in any dimension. There was only device between us, and I knew we had done it. We had saved everything, and me too.

The next installment (it's only a third of a chapter) wraps everything up, so stick around.  Best to you, good and gentle reader, and to yours.