Two Years From Today

Ten

Johnson breaking up with me was easily the worst feeling I had ever felt. It felt like no matter how much I tried to ignore it, it always could bring tears to my eyes. I felt like a baby. And I felt like I had failed.

It was terrible.

I decided (with lots of prodding from Kate) to go with Aaron to the dance, although it was the last thing I wanted anymore. I found myself desperately wishing to go with Johnson, feeling pathetic. He had publicly asked Marina, the girl from my seminary class. He hadn't known I had seen him give her those flowers that matched her perfectly blue eyes, and every time I imagined him in a tie that matched her dress, I felt sick.

Jenna still wasn't talking to me. I didn't know if she knew that he had broken up with me, but I wanted her to ask so badly.

That afternoon after school, I drove silently while Kate and Juliet talked loudly in the backseat of my car. Johnson sat next to me, silent as well. We hadn't spoken since the breakup, almost three weeks ago. I still drove him, mostly for Kate and Juliet, and it was painfully awkward. I could vaguely hear Juliet and Kate making plans to go back to my house and study. I snuck a glance at Johnson, and admired him sadly.

His cheeks were red from the cold snow, and his eyes reflected the road passing us. His eyes. Those stupid brown eyes that had once lit up after he kissed me.

I wondered if he had ever kissed Marina. I wondered if he ever thought about me like this too.

I took a sharp breath, pulling into his driveway and looking away. I knew Juliet wasn't getting out, but as Johnson did, he looked and me and smiled half-heartedly.

"Thanks again, Reagan," He said to me, like he always did. "Have a nice evening."

Normally I didn't respond, but I was so desperate to talk to him I said, "Yeah, you too. See you Monday."

Kate and Juliet must have noticed my sadness, because they didn't talk the entire rest of the car ride. When we got back home, I went inside quickly, hoping to spend the afternoon thinking about other things than Johnson Bailey. But when I looked at Juliet, I looked into her eyes, and realized how much she looked like him after all.

***

As I checked my social media that day, I saw a post from Marina on my dash. It said, "Love skiing with this cute kid!" There was a photo attached, and Johnson was tagged. I contemplated opening it, but when I did, I regretted it.

It was Johnson in his beanie, the same one he wore when he kissed me for the first time. Her head was on his shoulder. I was devastated and furious at the same time. I focused in on her beauty. She surpassed me--I knew it. She was the type of girl Johnson wanted. Watching him fall in love simply through photos killed me, and I wished I could stop it from hurting me, but even when I tried not to notice, I saw his eyes shining brightly, and his laughter lines in full force.

I let a sob escape as I clicked out of the photo. I curled up on my bed and let myself cry, as I had done often in the past weeks. I had loved Johnson, and now he was unavoidable. I wanted to talk to someone about how I felt, but the only one I wanted was him.

I heard two voices at the door, and I realized Juliet and Kate must be just down the hall. I stood up and pressed my ear to the door, listening.

"...He likes her a lot I think," It was Juliet's voice. "They spend a lot of time together now."

Kate sighed. "It's too bad."

I stepped away. I didn't know if it was about Johnson, but I didn't want to hear another word. I went back to social media, this time checking my notifications. When I finished, I opened my email to see if my teacher had emailed me back. What I found was much more surprising.

An email from Connor.

I clicked it, opening it. The email had a photo of Connor holding a sushi roll.

Reagan,

Today I finally tried my first sushi roll! I ordered it by accident--and since you have always prodded me to eat it, I didn't send it back. I adore the stuff! I should have listened to you all these years.

I laughed through still teary eyes, remembering how he would always refuse sushi when I offered it. I kept reading.

Anyway, I'm sorry for the late reply. I have written and rewritten this email more times than you can imagine--really. I just never knew how to start. Like, "Hey, I know you probably don't want an email from me but look, I'm in your inbox!"? I don't know.

I just wanted to say I was sad, but I always knew it would happen. I won't ask questions, it doesn't matter too much. I just wanted to say I still love you like my best friend you always were. And I hope your senior year is going smoothly.

Miss ya!

Connor

I wiped tears. I remembered each memory I had with Connor vividly now, like when he was in high school and I was still in middle school, and he would sometimes call the middle school and pretend to be my dad, and check me out of class. Then he would walk with me to 7-11, since he didn't have a driver's license yet, and we would try to have a slurpee drinking contest--usually ending in one or the other with a massive brain freeze.

I remembered when I went on my first date with some other boy from school. He glared the entire time we were on our double date. Connor was my best friend for so long--it was hard to forget. I loved him still too--the way you love an old perfume or an old song. It's like remembering something after forgetting it for so long, and all I could think about was how much I used to love him. It wasn't as strong as Johnson, he never sent shivers through my spine and he never kissed me like a tornado was hanging off of his lips. But he was my best friend, and he was coming home soon. I didn't want to ignore him. Maybe it was a mistake, but I clicked the reply button and let my fingers type away a response--a long one too.

Late update, sorry everyone. And it was also painful, oops. Have a great July.

Also, I AM REALLY FEELING REAGAN RIGHT NOW. DANG.

Lindsey