Brave

Chapter 4: Changes

"So, how are you doing with all of this?" He asks.

I shrug. "I don't know. I can't figure out if I'm sad or weirded out or just really pissed."

Dad laughs. "I can't imagine. This has to be really tough. It's tough for Mom and me, but you're the one going through it and you haven't had much time to process everything."

I nod and then I stifle a huge yawn. My mom leans in for a hug and tells me that she's going home. I can imagine that she's thoroughly exhausted. I doubt she's left the hospital much at all during the past five days.

"Good, you need some rest, Mamá," I tell her. "Te quiero."

"Oh, you're so sweet," she coos, kissing my cheek. "Don't worry about me, I'll be fine."

I sigh deeply as she walks out the door. I'm so tired in every way, emotionally, physically, mentally.

"You get some sleep, too, Baby Girl," Dad says. "I know it's pretty late. I'll be here when you wake up."

I close my eyes and drift off immediately.

When I wake up again, I see that my dad hasn't left the chair. He's slumped over, snoring lightly, with his coat draped over him. I must have slept through the last two or three vitals checks. I hope my mom is getting some good sleep at home and not worrying about me.

I think a little bit about what my dad asked me last night.

How am I doing?

How am I supposed to be doing? I lost my leg. It sucks, to be honest. I'm sure it will take some time for me to fully accept that my leg is gone and that my body will be different. I know it in my mind, but I don't want to accept it yet. It's not fair. For the rest of my life, I will be different, compromised, less... less something, but I don't know what yet.

But whatever it is, it will be for the rest of my life.

For the rest of my life!

I've never been one to admit defeat and I'm not going to start now. Surely there must be some kind of new technology they can use to re-attach my leg. Part of me is still waiting for the doctor to come in and tell me that I'm part of a psychological study about people who think they've lost their limbs, but now the study is over and I can have my leg back.

As much as I try to come up with ridiculous alternatives to having no leg, I know enough about medical advances, and certainly, they haven't come up with limb transplants just yet. I just hate feeling like I have no control over this. I didn't want to lose my leg and no one even asked me! Why couldn't they have at least waited until I woke up so that I'd be in on the decision process?

I figure it's time to try exploring my new body again, to see if it sickens me as much as it did the first time. I feel down the outside of my right thigh again. I hesitate at the bottom before moving over the stump and then back up the inside of my thigh. I start to feel faint again, but this time, it's not as bad. I breathe in through my nose, out through my mouth. Twice. Three times. The feeling eventually subsides.

"You okay, Sarah?" My dad asks, obviously just having awakened.

"Yeah. I'm just trying to get used to this," I point to my leg. "It's just...I don't know, creepy, I guess, that it's not there anymore."

"I wish I could tell you it's going to be easy. I don't know how long it takes to get used to something like this." He gives me the most encouraging smile he can muster. "But I do know, Sarah, that you are the most persistent young lady I know. So, that's got to count for something."