Brave

Chapter 14: Letting Him Down Easy

Now that I've expressed my frustration to Ethan and he has effectively given me some space, I feel terrible. On the one hand, I really did need him to step back, but I probably could have been less dramatic about it.

And the thing that's really bothering me is that I kind of wish I hadn't pushed him away. I liked that he seemed so concerned for me and that he checked in on me so often. I want to see him again and I want...well, maybe I want to kiss him again.

But I want it to be when I'm ready.

I don't want to lose him.

I wallow in my shame for a good while before I start to think about the person I really am. Or at least who I used to be. I was strong, capable, level-headed, smart, and determined. I never let anything stand in my way. What happened to me that made me so soft that I had to rely on a man to make me feel happy or confident or...complete?

My standard operating procedure is to give myself a pep talk whenever I was attempting something new or tackling a particularly scary task, like when I interviewed for a position as assistant to the president of a local bank. I was in tenth grade, I had just turned sixteen, and I wasn't taking no for an answer. I landed myself a full-time summer job and a steady part-time gig for the rest of my high school career. 

That's who I really am. When I want something, I go after it, and I depend on my own grit to get the job done. I never used to rely on anyone else to help me or to do it for me, and I'm not going to start now.

What was I thinking? There's no reason I can't face this turn of events with the same attitude that I've always had. Losing my leg was a setback, but it doesn't have to change who I am. I'm going to bust my butt in therapy and make enough progress so that I don't have to go anymore. I'll go back to school in the summer and catch up on everything, and I'll be back on track by the end of the year.

I don't need Ethan to help me. I don't need my parents to coddle me. I'm the same Sarah Gabriella Stoker I've always been, minus one leg. I can work hard enough to make my life come back together.

After my pep talk, all of my pep is drained and I lie down for a nap. 

Early in the evening, the doorbell rings. I pull my blankets tighter around my head. It's probably another round of visitors, and I'm just not in the mood. My mother comes in quietly and tells me, "Ethan is here."

"I don't want to see him," I whisper.

"Sarah," my mom says gently. "You should at least talk to him."

I sit up in my bed and nod. I don't care that my hair is mussed I'm still rubbing the sleep out of my eyes. Ethan steps through the doorway and I feel my earlier resolve start to shake when I see his smile and feel its effect all the way to my toes. 

"Hi Sarah."

I nod, trying to stay aloof.

"I came to apologize," he begins. "I'm sorry for everything. I came on too strong, and I realize that I've been pushing you way out of your comfort zone. I should have asked how you'd feel about having me as a therapist instead of just arranging it without your knowledge. I'm usually pretty level-headed, but let's just say I've gone a little off the deep end these past several weeks."

I smile shyly, feeling warmed by his sweet confession. My shoulders relax and I motion for him to come and sit on my bed across from me, which he does. He then continues, "When the referral was made, I asked my dad to let me take your case. I begged him, actually. I promised I would be professional. He risked a lot to say yes to me, but he knew I saved your life."