Afterlife: Reincarnation

34

July 11

LANE

From: Harry

To: Lane

Date: July 9

Subject: Missing you

I'm sorry. I was out of line to talk to you the way I did. I have a million reasons why, but none of them are an excuse. I know you are angry, and you are probably trying to show me a lesson right now, and believe me, lesson learned. Because no amount of lines written or detention or even the strap could be as painful to me as your silence.

I wont bring it up again, unless you want to talk about it. But please, talk. I need to hear your voice, and to see your face. I need to know you are okay and you are safe. Even beyond our fight, your silence makes me terrified. I'm not used to having to care about someone, Lane, so please, even if its just replying to this message and telling me to fuck off, just do it. Just let me know you're okay.

I love you so much. And I'm sorry.

All the love

H

I felt my chin quiver, tears stinging the backs of my eyes. My chest ached, like a hole burrowing through me at his words. Rubbing my hands over my face, I huffed loudly.

What the fuck? How had we gotten to this point?

Dropping my hands lifelessly into my lap, I bit on my lower lip.

I had read over all of Harrys emails more than once. Checking my messages daily, and each day seeing a new plea from him. His tone had changed over the course of the week, from biting and harsh, to contrite to apologetic. I could see that he was struggling more than just with our fight, and now it was my absence in general.

I wanted to reply to him. I wanted to say I was sorry, and that it wasn't his fault. Our fight wasn't his fault, and he had been right. But I knew I couldn't do that. One, because if I told him he was right, I would have to explain what had happened after I hung up from our call. I would have to tell him of Neil, his less than understanding picture of our relationship, and his inevitable advance on me. I knew Harry would blow, and any form of progress we had made over this week of distance would be thrown out the window in a swirl of wavy brown hair and angry green eyes. He would storm onto the first plane in this general direction, with no other purpose than to kick Neil's ass, and drag me home over his shoulder.

I wanted to avoid that entire situation.

And therefore, I had been avoiding him. As much as I wanted to talk to him, as much as I wanted to reply, and tell him I was fine, I just couldn't. Even to lie and say to just give me time, would give me a chance to sort through my thoughts, but I was scared. He seemed to know me so well, probably better than he realized. He was intuitive and observant, and I was scared that the moment I wrote even one word, he would know. He would know something was wrong, and a whole new can of proverbial worms would be opened.

I knew my current tactic of avoid and ignore was not the most effective, nor healthy, for our relationship. But for now, until I figured out how to proceed, it was what I was going with.

This last week had been stressful and awkward for me on multiples levels. Mainly, of course, my discord with Harry. He was always on my mind, and now, any time he crept into my conscious, I was faced with anxiety and guilt rather than longing and happiness. It was my own doing, but still difficult.

Neil, had been another source of conflict. Since my refusal of his advance the week before, he had all but shut down on me. I had tried, after a couple of days, to talk to him. Not about that night, but just in general. But all I could get out of him was cursory grunts and nods. It would appear that he was not used to rejection, and certainly hadn't taken kindly to my rebuttal of his affection.