Perennial Rose | {Levi x OC} | Shingeki no Kyojin |

Chapter 16: Unexpected Change

Within Wall Rose, Survey Corps Headquarters
{Levi's POV}

I remain at the seat of the round table in front of my desk with Hanji's letter still on my lap. The silence rings in the small space of the room. This is one of the many curses my insomnia has brought to me. Spending nights in the ominous absence of sound while the others enjoy the blessing of being able to sleep is something I have become accustomed to. I have come to think of this as an opportunity to escape from the loud occurrences of my wary days.

Then Renata started visiting me. Those quiet nights didn't change when she first started to come to my office at night since she hardly ever talks. The only thing that did change was my productivity; an additional hand allowed me to finish more work. At first, I found it very annoying. She didn't need to be sticking her nose into my work. However, she has proven to be efficient in her assistance without annoying me. Because of this, I just simply let her do whatever she wanted. As the days passed, her mouth slowly began to pry open as she started to talk a bit more. That was when the quietude of my restless nights changed. She would often ask me general questions to which I replied with the simplest answers. She would accept these answers, but I could tell she wasn't satisfied with them. Gradually, I came to give her the long, complex answers she wanted and this would automatically activate the hidden talkative aspect of her personality. I didn't really mind. Although this talkativeness would have annoyed me to death, I knew that whatever came out of her mouth would not be the idiotic shit that some of the younger recruits spit out. I can tell she chooses particular words carefully as the viscosity of her speech is like that of honey: slow and fluent. Maybe she has already empathized me and she knows what I like and dislike... Because I never really have a grudge against what she says.

Now that she has left early tonight, it feels as if something is missing. I never really thought about her presence that much before, but at the very moment when she happens to be absent, I finally recognize the change she has induced in my insomniatic nights.

What made Renata leave?

I lied to her.

What I just said to her before she quietly stormed out of my room wasn't actually entirely true. How I told her that I made up the reason for her recruitment in order to persuade her to join... That was true. However, when I said that I'm still not sure if she can successfully pull off such a big responsibility of healing the entire army... That was not true. My perspective has changed a bit since the day we talked in that courtyard. Presently, I am actually quite confident about her suggested role in the Survey Corps.

But something came to my mind before I could say so.

The fact that a person with such a gift has the same chances of getting eaten by them will never change. Whatever happens outside the walls is inevitably unpredictable.

I couldn't tell her that I believe her ability will be a big part in our fight for freedom because I knew that those words would somehow be perceived as words of praise. It is a known fact among superiors that if the words like "believe in you" or "believe in your ability" comes out of our mouths, they somehow become twisted into, "you're the best because your superior favors you," once they enter a junior's ear. This makes them overconfident. Overconfidence usually leads to arrogance. In turn, arrogance usually leads to selfishness. Selfishness on a battlefield can lead to the unnecessary deaths of others.

In certain situations, having doubt about yourself is not a bad thing. You are more aware of your weaknesses and how they will affect others. I didn't want to encourage her to think of herself as an invincible soldier because there is no such thing as being invincible here. That is why it is a rite of passage for the newly enlisted troops in the Training Corps to be castigated by the instructor. They put everyone on the same low level, erasing any arrogance and pride they have at the beginning and let them progress on their own. Excessive pride will only hurt a soldier and their comrades in a battle with a series of unexpected events just waiting to take the lives of many.

In a way, my dishonest answer was to avoid the possible birth of a soldier's disastrous arrogance. Even though I really do believe she can be essential to our reform, I needed to bring her down a level; especially due to the fact that she's practically drowning in Erwin's praise.

What is his purpose in doing so?

I know without a doubt, Erwin is hiding something important. Although he can be obsessive at times, it is strange for him to obsess over something like this. He never obsesses over people.

I rise from my chair as I take the letter on my lap and walk towards my desk. I carefully blow out the flickering flame on the small, distorted candle on the corner of my workplace and head out of the room.

Entering the intimidating sea of darkness in the hallway, a line of light leading to Renata's quarters catches my attention. I take this brilliant path that leads me to the kid's room. I approach the door with the light radiating warmth on my face and quietly knock on the cold surface of the wooden door. There is no response.

Through the narrow opening of her room's entrance, I can make out her body sprawled messily over her bed which is covered by a disaster of papers and open books.

This kid...

With a light touch of my hand, I push the door open ever so slightly, and sneak into the room. The candle still burns on her miniscule desk in the right side of the room. The light force of my breath on its flame causes it to disappear and all becomes dark. I look to the side to see a familiar image: Renata's shining, wet face is illuminated by the soft glimmer of the moonlight as her long, black hair covers her entire pillow like waves of liquid coal. Delicate droplets of tears rest on the tips of her eyelashes like the dew on the petals of a rose in her beloved garden in which her brother rests.

As if acting by a routine, my hand never fails to reach into my pocket for my handkerchief in response to such a sight. For six weeks, she returns from her nightly assistance looking like this. For six weeks, I have been wiping these ghostly tears out of an unknown obligation. Maybe it's because I want her to stop whimpering like an annoying kid. Maybe I feel pressured into protecting her because of what I foolishly promised her brother in front of his grave. Maybe I cannot stand how Erwin falsely recruited her into a place that makes her like this.

Regardless of my reason to act this way, one thing is apparent: She has brought out my softer side. It is a part of me that I neglected a long time ago and it is slowly returning to my worn-out hands. Hands that have hurt many. Hands that have killed many.

I spend the majority of my days by her side. She never says anything to piss me off and I never find myself opposing her words of honey. Maybe she does have something disagreeable in her head, but chooses not to say it out loud. Because I am constantly in her presence, I don't find myself getting as angry and enraged as I used to be when working with others. This part of me is slowly starting to settle down as the contrasting side is being recovered.

So this is her power. She's oblivious to how influential she is on others. I never thought Renata would actually reach my almost impenetrable soul and trigger this conspicuous change of mine. Now I am more than certain of how capable she is. Truly understanding one's self and acting in a specific way that conforms to their personality really does have an impact that would be essential in battle.

I awake from my thoughts and retract my hand from her cheeks. The edge of my handkerchief is soaked full of her tears.

Damn this soft side of me... Making me do these stupid things.