Without you. - [Chenford Story]

Chap 6 : A Year without you.

One year ago she died. Weird anniversary. He took a day off. He knew he won't be able to handle it. The house was silent. It was just him, his cup of coffee and the baby monitor on the counter. Ellie was still spleeping in her bed. She will turn 2 in three months.

Things were not easy. Being a single parent. He was present for all her first things. He created memories while he was still grieving. How difficult it was to be alive for someone when the only things you want was lay down in your bed and do nothing. He had to kick his own ass several times. He was still going to therapy. He won't recognize it, but it helped him. It was a safe place where he allowed himself to cry and talk about her. He was still afraid of letting her go. He admitted she was the love of his life and nothing won't be the same.

Because of Ellie, he let himself smile and laugh a bit more now. Even if it was hard, her daughter deserved it. He didn't want to let her down. Ellie was an happy baby. She was always smilling. She was confortable with everyone. She loved everyone. She loved spending some times at the station with her daddy and his friends. Her and Angela had a special bond, it was an evidence. She spoke a few words now, she could even make sentences, she was a good walker. She was a daddy girl. Her father was her whole world. She knew she had a mum, but she was too young to process everything. One day she will. They had a routine, every night after the night story and before dada kiss, they said good night to mummy by kissing the photo Tim offered her on her first birthday.

He missed her so much. It still hurt and will be forever but he had to be strong for their little one. She was all her mother : look, smile, attitude. How was it possible? He would give everything to have one more minute with her, to change everything that day. He would give everything to save her, to take her place. He still needed to call her voicemail to hear her voice. Her clothes were still in the dressing room, her tooth brush was still in the bathroom. Some things didn't move because in the depth of himself he wasn't ready, a little part of him didn't believe in her death. One thing he was sure about, his daughter saved him as her mother did. He won't be here if she wasn't there. Something died in him that day. He was navigating through the darkness and sunshine. It was exhauting. Her baby put a plaster on his heart. His phone rang and pulled him from his thoughts.

From Angela to Tim:
" You, me and the kids at the beach, today ? "

From Tim to Angela:
" You are not working today ? "

From Angela to Tim:
" Took a day off, so ? "

From Tim to Angela:
" You didn't have to do that Ang'... "

From Angela to Tim:
" Beach with the kids ? After lunch ? "

From Tim to Angela:
" Sounds good. See you there ".

Even it they were close before, their friendship was stronger. Angela was his cornerstone. She was here for him, for her. She helped him in so many way. She convinced him for the therapy, she took care of Ellie, of him. She teached him some parenting stuff.

Ellie was awake, " Dada no sleep dada dada ". He smiled. He will never get use to hear " Dada ". It was his favourite sound. He joined her in her bedroom and they had their morning cuddles. 

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Early in the afternoon, Angela's kids were playing on the beach, and Ellie was taking her nap next to Tim on that same beach. It was not to warm, it was a smooth time.

A - My spofity was on random this morning, and it played " Bigger than whole sky " by Taylor Swift, don't ask me why that song was here, but it made me think of her. I miss her. So much.

He looked at her. Her look was lost in somewhere. Tears were running down her face in silence. It broke him. In one year, it was the first time. He realized he never asked her how she felt. He knew Lucy died in her arms. He never took the time to ask how was he.

T - I'm sorry Ang'
A - For what ?
T - I never asked. I should..

He took her hand, she looked at him.

T - Do you wanna talk about it ?

She hesitated.

A - I tried. You know i tried ? I tried to save her. Everything happened so fast. She was there laying down, surrounded with her own blood. I will never forget her look. And in a minute she was not here anymore. I really tried. She was supposed to go home that day. I failed. I'm sorry Tim, i'm really sorry. I'm not going to lie to you, that year was so fucking rough. I'm on therapy too. I'm feeling so guilty, and more when Ellie hugs me. She's so Luce. She is a little version of her with your temper, what a mix. Some days are more difficult than others. I'm trying to be a good friend, a good aunt, a good mum, but oh my gosh it's fucking hard.

He hugged her.

T - You didn't fail. It was not your fault. And i know you tried. I never told you that because it's hard to say, but, I was kind of relieved to know she didn't die alone in a cold room, she died with someone who love her. I'm sorry for everything you've been through this year. I was so lost i didn't realize how sad you were. But let me tell you something, i couldn't make it with Ellie if you were not there by my side. You are an amazing aunt, mum and an amazing bestfriend. And i will never thank you enough for all you did. But her death wasn't your fault, it wasn't mine either.
A - I thought grown men didn't have bestfriend ?
T - Shut up .. 

They laughed. It was the best way to end that painful discussion. Ellie woke up half an hour later. She asked Angela for an hug. Tim looked at them. It was a good choice to ask to be her godmother she was the right person, they knew it when they asked.

It was 5pm when everyone went back to cars. They put the kiddos in their sits, and closed the door. Angela hugged Tim.

T - Thank you for today, we needed it.
A - Say hi to her for me
T - I  will. Take care, see you at the station tomorrow.

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Thirty minutes after, he was parked. Ellie was sleeping in her sit. He opened the door and brushed her cheek.

T - Wake up Ellie, we are going to say hi to mummy.

She opened her eyes and Tim carried her. He walked to Lucy's grave and put Ellie down.

T - Hey babe. I'm not alone today. She changed since the last time. I can't believe it's been already a year. We missed you so much. Angela says Hi by the way. We spent the afternoon together at the beach. We talked about you. Hey, Ellie come say hi to mummy.
E - Mama ? Where ?
T - She's here sweetie. You can't see her, but you can feel her in your heart
E - Hi mama. Dada fower !!
T - You can give that flower to mama.. You can put it here.
E - Mama fower
T - Luce, short visit today, but that munchkin has a routine. I'm coming back later that week. We love you, we miss you so much. Hope you are proud of us. Ellie ? baby, say goodbye to mama, it's time to go home.
E - Bybye kiss mama..

Tim smiled. He took his daughter little hand, and started walking to his truck. He loved that. Holding her hand. And from nowhere " love dada " came to his ears. It was his first. His heart missed a beat, but that time it felt so good. " I love you too boot... "

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25/05/2024: Hi, me again. Two chapters in 2 days. Hope you liked it ! Don't hesite to vote and comment :). It won't be a long story, but, i will probably write something as important step in Tim and Ellie's life. Can't wait, i've got a lot of idea. Take care ! See you soon, maybe this weekend or next week for sure! xx