My Best Friend's Mediocre Boyfriend

Secret Mission

Vanessa

"Falalala."

I twirled around in a snowstorm of silver glitter because that was the kind of precipitation that one encountered on Planet Wattpad. The couples that milled about on Valentine's Day were madly in love.

And golly, did I appreciate every single second of it.

Boyfriends licking their girlfriend's cheeks as though they were puppies were simply adorable. Who cared about germs when it came down to love and swapping saliva?

 Giant teddy bears being handed out were cute and not at all inconvenient to storage. It scarcely mattered that Matt wasn't there to witness and appreciate all the sappiness with me.

Our break-up was drawing near, and I was already looking forward to the next stage of my life. I was going to be an Independent Woman who would have even Destiny's Child beaming from ear to ear.

My hair shimmered with sparkles as I skipped down the pathway flanked by grass so green that it could only be called green.

Not greenish-brown. Not brownish-green. Not green dotted with bits of brown. But green through in through.

At the sound of my cell chirping its majestic melody as though it were a dove, I slid it out of my pocket and answered it.

"Hey there, hi there, ho there," I greeted my boyfriend. "How's my least favorite man doing?"

"Splendid. I was just checking in to see if you were ready to break-up today?"

"Absolutely!" I exclaimed. "I can't wait to never see your dumb mug again. You're deranged."

"Aww, you're so sweet," he cooed. "I love it when you hit me with your terms of endearment. Psychopath, loser. I can't get enough of it which is why I keep coming back for more."

With a large beam, I hung up the phone and began humming the first bars of Independent Woman. I did a pirouette and people stared at me, but it was only because they envied my cool factor.

So engrossed in my utter happiness was I, I didn't even notice the letter sitting upon my "All Kittens Welcome" doormat until I just about stumbled over it.

With a frown, I picked up the paper and cautiously unfolded the charred edges. Charred could only mean danger.

My eyes widened as I gasped at what I had read. Sure enough, I was correct. Trouble was in store. Then making certain that my vision hadn't deceived me, I scanned the note again. But no, I hadn't mistaken the contents within. It was all sickeningly true.

I was being threatened.

"Hey, girl, hey," it began.

We have caught wind of the fact that you and one, Mister Matthew Caleb Jones have intentions to break up on Valentine's Day.

First off, the fuck? Valentine's Day of all days? What's actually the matter with you?

Secondly, this break-up is strongly not endorsed by the people. You and Matthew have entered into a contract as "Lead Couple" which means that you must stay together forever and always. We veto the break-up. Request denied. You have one week to undo your actions or there will be severe consequences.

Signed, 

the people

P.S. Slay with that pirouette.

My jaw dropped open, and I immediately shook in my boots even though I was wearing sneakers. Did Matt receive the same notice?

As if in answer, another note fell from my clutches.