rock on! | inanimate insanity au

[ volume one, chapter twelve: the price you pay ]

ive been planning. this chapter is ANYTHING but wholesome, all angsty... (one chapter left until volume two, hooray!!)

tw: body dysmorphia, suicide mentions (and attempt).

He'd never liked being called a woman. He never liked the way people looked at him, he'd never liked his body one bit — when people called him a "beautiful, gorgeous girl," it made his stomach churn, to the deepest depths of hell. In their eyes, he was a woman. But in reality, Fan had never felt like one in the first place.

He didn't like the way he looked. He had a round face, along with long lashes, too pretty for his own good. Too feminine for his liking. He hated when people complimented him on his body, when they said he had curves in all the right places. He hated when they felt like they had to catcall him for his appearance, he hated when they stared. All he wanted was to give away the body that was most desired — throw it away, burn it into ashes. He had never asked to be like this.

Fan didn't know much about himself anyway — all he knew was that he wanted his body to be someone else's, and he felt trapped in his own thoughts. The body he walked and talked in, suffocating him whole, the urge to get rid of it all as sharp as a blade. One slice, and it's over. No matter how attractive he was to others, he'd never believe that he actually was. They saw him for nothing else.

People approached him for his looks. Not for who he was, or personality, all they wanted was his looks. They adored him for his long, red hair, the glasses which sat perfectly on his nose, along with his long lashes that most would kill for. He'd never known who he was, let alone knowing what he was going to be. His mind was filled with questions, that would never get an answer.

He would wish that he wasn't born. His attempts to end his own life were countless. Nobody had suspected him of anything, because who would? People don't expect a pretty person to have such thoughts — and if they do, they dismiss it like dust. His family were useless, being lost in the world of work, forgetting about their child in the process. They meant nothing to him.

He's always been seen as a girl, even after his transition.

[FLASHBACK - PRE-TRANISTION.]

She stared into the mirror in front of her. Her face looked back at her, and she wished it didn't. A round face, long hair, and makeup was always sat on her face — but she hated it. She had never thought about it before. She's always been a girl. Maybe she wasn't happy about it, but.. it was just life. This was the first time Fan had questioned herself, because whenever she did, she'd slap on a thick layer of lip gloss and some mascara.

Her hands gripped the pair of scissors, tears welling up in her eyes. All she knew was that she wasn't comfortable like this. The door opened slowly, and Lightbulb peeked her head into the bathroom.

"Fan..?" Lightbulb stared at her, wide eyed. She had never seen this side of her before. But it wasn't just the hair, the whole vibe was off. She looked so... insecure. She had always been so confident. "Fan... are you okay?" Lightbulb went closer, and she put the scissors behind her back. She could tell Fan was holding in tears that were desperate to be set free.

"You can tell me anything, you know that, right?"

Fan, her hair now horribly cut and uneven, had been crying. Which was obvious from the eyeliner streaming down her cheeks, and also from the fact her eyes were puffy and red, as were her cheeks — the chunks of her red hair sat on the bathroom tiles, along with the faint yellow other bangs. It looked horrendous from Lightbulb's point of view.

The realisation dawned on her very quickly.

"Lightbulb," She'd choke out a cry, looking at the girl, who had her afro tie into a bun, her brows scrunched in worry.

"I don't want to be.." She hesitated, her eyes lowering to the ground. It suddenly clicked. Her hair, her makeup, her confidence. It had all been a facade. A fake shell she put up because she was expected to. And she was expected to act like a girl, too — all out of her comfort zone, it was something she didn't want to be. She was uncomfortable this way.

"You don't want to be a girl," Lightbulb looked her in the eye. "Hey... let me see those." She reached out for the scissors, but he still held them tightly, his cheeks now stained with black streaks, his face almost unrecognizable. She leaned closer to him, and softly put her hand on top of his.

"Let me take the scissors." It was like everything he had pushed down was coming out all at once. He was so scared of what others would think of him. Of me. How was she going to react? How would everyone else take it? She was there for him. She cared for him so much, no matter what he chose to be. It would never change that — their friendship was always going to be strong, and this made it stronger.

[END OF FLASHBACK]

Fan was grateful for Lightbulb. He hoped she knew that.

The tap in the bathroom was running, water flowing in slowly. Fan sat in the bath, clothes on, the cold water making his clothes begin to stick to his legs and arms — clinging onto his torso, soon increasing pace, reaching his collarbone. Fan would begin to sink his body into the water, letting his nose dip down into the cold liquid.

He'd let his lungs take in the water, as it began to fill them up gradually, finally starting to feel like he was losing consciousness. Finally, he can leave the world in peace, and start a new life somewhere else. But as he was about to snap his eyes shut, there was banging on the locked door — someone was here, and they were trying to stop him.

He had lost consciousness before they could enter.

"Fan, Jesus Christ!" Lightbulb yelled, as he began to wake up, coughing out water and gasping for air, looking around from side to side. His body was in her arms, as she was fairly strong. He was still alive? How, and why? That wasn't what he wanted to happen — this wasn't how he wanted it to go. He turned to face the girl above him, who was staring down back at him.

"What..?" He rasped out, finally opening his eyes fully.

---

end of chapter.