Moonlight

Chapter 9

Ella doesn't wait for an answer before opening my door. I freeze. She's wearing a sports bra and thin tank top, but her bandages are still visible. Her black shorts cling to her skin and ride up a little as she walks over to me. My face heats up, and I know it's visible but she doesn't say anything. She's wearing her hair down again and not in the braid that it's usually in. I see the burn scars and remember that I took some cacti with me from Moonlight. I go to grab it as she sits on the edge of my bed.

"Any word on the others?"

I shake my head as I inspect her wounds. I didn't notice it before, but she has a stack of papers tucked under her arm. I take them from her and set it on top of my duffle bag. It reads 'classified', but I'm not interested in them at the moment. I rub pieces of cactus flesh on her face and she flinches.

"Does it hurt?"

"A little."

I stop what I'm doing and sit opposite of her, leaning on the dresser. Her eyes drop down to my shoulder again.

"Where'd you get that scar from?"

"A few months ago. I got shot by some government agents in Wilmington. Mari treated the wound."

Ella's breath hitches at the mention of her sister and I stop talking immediately. Tears are brimming her eyes but she doesn't let them fall. The silence isn't awkward, but it's not comfortable either. It hangs heavy in the air.

"Are you and Jacob a thing?"

The words are out of my mouth before I can take it back. At first, she didn't say anything. My chest tightens and I almost drop the topic, but then she inhales sharply. She almost looks offended.

"He's not my type."

"He's all over you."

"Yeah, I know."

I should feel relieved but I don't. The pained expression on her face tells me that she's holding something back.

"What is it?"

When she answers, it comes out so quiet that I almost miss it.

"I'm not her."

I stand up straight and walk closer to the bed, thinking I misheard her.

"What?"

"I'm not Mari. I know that every time you look at me, you see her and not me. I get it, you love her and you miss her. And I'm not her, and that's who you want."

"Ella-"

"I've spent my entire life on a pedestal, while Mari got the short end of the stick. I was always the golden child. I'm everything she's not, and yet she's so much more. After she died, she finally got the recognition she deserved. The way you talk about her is envious. And for the first time in my life, I know what it feels like to fall below expectations. I finally feel what Mari had been feeling her entire life. She's supposed to be here, not me."

Even though she's yelling, it doesn't feel like an attack. She has no idea how much she means to me. I close the gap between us and take her hands in mine.

"I see you as Ella. Not as Mari, not as my first high school crush. You. You are a separate person. Do I miss her? Absolutely. Did I love her? Without a doubt. But you, Ella? You're different. You have a level of patience and kindness that others can only dream of possessing. You are the smartest person I've ever met. Every time I think I'm protecting you, you always try to find a way to take care of me. And I'm sorry I made you think otherwise. I pulled away because I was scared of getting close. But then you almost died."