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/12/ Spotlight on Cracks

We resolved our petty misunderstanding. He apologized that he acted out of impulse, and I forgave him for it. But then he said that I shouldn't decline his prize for me; he gave me a book instead.

Who am I to decline? I love books! I can't wait to read it in my room.

I was so occupied that I forgot that we are going to report the next day. We already had the mock report so I am confident I could do it with the least flaws possible.

But I was so overwhelmed! I couldn't take it! What if I can't do it?

The time I have, I always respect it that I don't give a fuck what everyone would say, what everyone would think. Now that I have Christian who gave me his time for me to excel, I can't take to fail him.

I don't want to disappoint him. Not this time. Never after what he did.

I can truly say it, I like him. I love everything about him. I respect him so much that I always look up to him. I'll respect his decision whenever he rejects me when I already confessed.

I can't risk the friendship we had. Will I just ignore the feeling I have for him? I'm exhausted.

He is always running on my mind. Well, he motivates me so it's not that bad. The thing is, I'm always doing everything to make him proud of me.

He always commended me, and it makes me happy! It makes my heart flutter. Late nights and early wake ups are all paid off just by his smile.

*

My phone rang just as I am about to sleep. Who would dare to call me this late? I guess it's him again.

"Did I disturb you?"

That. Hoarse. Voice.

"Not really. But what made you call me at this hour?"

I want him to say that he couldn't sleep without us talking and saying good nights. I want him to remember me when he's about to sleep. I want him to think of me.

What a shame right? I am aiming for the impossible. I know, this too, shall come to an end.

He told me I should not be worried for tomorrow, he wants me to be just myself, like I am saying it on him. Well, I wasn't sure about that. He made me nervous sometimes. Mas lalo lang siguro akong mate'tense kapag siya ang inisip ko habang nagdi'discuss sa harap.

"I'll hang up for now. Get enough sleep so you'll feel good tomorrow. Don't think of anything in bed at night."

I couldn't promise it to him! Medyo nalungkot pa ako kasi nagpapaalam na siya, pero wala naman akong karapatang pigilan siya at patagalin pa ang usapan. Mamaya, matanong ako nun tapos mapaamin pa ako nang wala sa oras. I couldn't risk it!

Sinunod ko ang sinabi niya. When my turn came, even myself couldn't believe I did it just like how I made it on our mock report. When it's Christian's turn, finally, I was so amazed, even though I already saw him do it, I couldn't let myself be not amazed by how he smoothly delivered the lesson. The way he combined it with hand actions, and the way he patiently answered the questions of our classmates.

Sabay ulit kaming kumain ng tanghalian sa aming paboritong spot. Napansin niya sigurong nahihirapan na ako sa inaaral ko, nahihiya lang akong magtanong sa kanya dahil tutok na tutok siya sa inaaral niya, ayaw ko namang makaisturbo.

"Huwag kang mahiyang magtanong sa akin, Iris. That's why we're here, right? So that I can teach you whenever you need some help. 'Wag mong isipin na naiisturbo mo ako o isturbo ka."

Kapag ganito ka palagi Christian, baka iba na ang iisipin ko sayo. Hay, gusto kong isipin na kahit kaunti, may nararamdam naman siya sa'kin, pero nangingibabaw ang kagustuhan ko na makapagtapos muna.

Paano kung i'reject niya ako? Tapos maaapektuhan ang pag'aaral ko? Maybe, in perfect time. But there's no such thing as perfect timing! Pero alam ko, sasabihin ko na talaga kapag siguro handa na ako. Sa ngayon, hindi pa.

"Breathe, Iris! It seems like you're holding it. Is there something bothering you? Am I bothering you?" natataranta niyang tanong.

Kanina ko pa pala pinipigilan ang paghinga ko. Sa tuwing kasama ko siya, hindi ko maiiwasan lalo na kapag magsasalita siya. He always takes my breath away.

"Ayos lang ako. Mukha ba akong hindi humihinga? Natulala lang yung tao eh!"

"Sa akin pa talaga Iris?" he smirked.

*

Best thing about close friends, they shine the spotlight on the cracks. That is how I describes Christian. He made me see the best of me.

He gave me the will to be disciplined. My focus on studies now are doing great. With his help and his encouragement, I am reaping the benefits of my hard work.

I couldn't remember a time when he didn't guide me since I met him and became my mentor. When there is a person that believes on me, that I could do it just when I set my mind on it, why wouldn't I believe then on myself? Nakakahiya naman kasing habang may taong naniniwala sayo, ikaw naman itong humahadlang at ikaw pa talaga ang walang bilib sa sarili mo.

Finals na ng second sem. Ganun kabilis ang panahon. We passed the first sem and there are some of my classmates that didn't. I wonder how they are going to cope up with it.

I saw them crying, I feel bad for them. But after that, they became okay. They don't have a choice, though.

Christian asked me one morning if I want to study with him in his apartment. Habang patagal nang patagal ako sa program na to, pahirap nang pahirap naman ang mga courses namin. I sometimes wanted to cry out of frustration.

I am thinking about what Christian had asked. I don't know. I think, I couldn't focus. I think, my love for him grew more each passing day.

"Please?" he said with pleading eyes. I looked away, I couldn't bear it. He's using it again to make me accept his offer.

I couldn't decline his offer when he is using that pleading eyes of him. I think, I need to stop this feeling. I should just be contented of what we are now.

He sighed. Naramdaman niya sigurong ayaw ko naman talaga, hindi ko lang siya matanggihan kaya hirap ako sa pagsagot sa tanong niya. But it seems like he had another strategy to make me study with him.

"I'll do your physics final output. You don't have to think about it, just. . . study with me."

My eyes lit up. But then, I feel sad that I am abusing his kindness. I don't want to entertain that thought as of right now, ang mahalaga, hindi ko na iisipin pa ang task ko na hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa nasisimulan. It's due on Friday and it's already Monday.

Pumayag ako sa kagustuhan niya, na medyo gusto rin ng puso ko. Hayst, pagdating talaga sa kaniya, nagiging marupok ako. Hindi ko kayang tanggihan siya.

Siya ang naging kalakasan ko, na nagiging kahinaan ko rin. Ayoko ng ganito. Gusto kong maging kalakasan ko siya. I don't want him to be my fragility.