I have 3 girls.
I barely have the 1.
Just to make this clear, I am referring to my best three college friends. I don't even know how we formed together, but one thing I know is that when we're together, I always have the best time.
But to tell you the truth, there are times that I am clouded with uncertainties. I don't know if it's just me, if I'm the problem (which I hope), or if there's some flaw in our friendship. I mean, there is NO such thing as a perfect friendship, but... What about the feelings I get every time I get offended or when I feel like (I only feel) one of them doesn't seem happy about my success, endeavors, or days when I look great? (I really hope I'm wrong.) I can really sense that there's still a subtle bit of competition and envy. The worst part is that I don't even know if it's just me who feels irritated, and that makes me wonder twice if I am a good friend or not. I suddenly feel guilty about something I don't even intentionally make! That friend I am referring to, by the way, was the best one I ever had FIRST when I stepped into college. We were classmates since elementary school, and we hadn't been really close until we're at our tertiary level.
We were kindred spirits, I've always thought. We're like sisters who never got to be. Bonding with her was the only thing I held onto back then, amidst the personal crisis I was going through at the time. Well, it was still brand new, and that's why I was excited to try everything. There would only be the two of us, and I've always thought that we're opposite, but I always tried to keep up with her and just to be with her level of humor. Ever since, she shines a lot, and she's pretty, she's kind, and she takes people's attention and empathy so easily and effortlessly. But saying all this, I have zero envy for her. In fact, that actually makes me proud. But there is really some behavior of hers that I really don't like, and I've had to keep that from her. One day, we had a small misunderstanding until it just became bigger and bigger. We're at the same dormitory (not anymore now), by the way, and there were no other people to whom I applied my silent treatment aside from my parents whenever I was angry until this happened. Who triggered the button? Of course, me. I just had enough one night. I don't think I am ready yet to spill what happened in detail, but I think I was in the right position to get mad. Long story short, we really had a huge fight that even both of our mothers had to settle our situation. Four of us talked, and it ended well, actually. As a people-pleaser, I chose to end it just fine.
I don't quite believe in those 'zodiac signs' characteristics, but one day I read online that Sagittarius people (I am) go silent and are ready to be indefinitely when mad. Bruh, it hit me! Because I.AM.THAT.
Akala ko talaga hanggang "We used to be best buddies, but now we're not" na lang talaga kami.
But the words? The wrong, painful adjectives they threw at me? It's still here. They think I got over it, but really, I'm still trying to. There are days when I just think of the good and happy times, but when that day comes in and haunts me again, the resentment and anger that's left in me just flow through like a flood and just break my wall of moving on over and over again. Maybe because it was my first time having a huge argument with a friend? Having a really terrible bad term with someone for the first time. It was actually a potentially traumatic event for me, and I am miserable every time I realize they don't know that. She'd open up it again and joke about it like it was nothing, but little did she know, I was still trying to come up from the waters.
Maybe that's why? What happened made the first crack, and it's barely stopping itself from running. Who knows what's on her mind? Who knows what she still thinks of me? But fuck it. I don't care what they think of me! They said I was childish! That invalidated my feelings and implicitly said I have shallow thinking. My mother and I just sat there, listening, my hands gripping. I'd cry it over and wish there was something I could do to make my emotions reach her. It is such a searing pain to know that there are now people who have the wrong ideas about you, and now you're the devil in their eyes.
I wanted to stop her from buying me burgers, fries, and ice cream. because I knew right after that, my mind would just still think of that day, resentments would flow, and thankfulness would vanish, and I'd overthink and feel bad for everything. My parents actually keep on warning me about her, but there's an eagerness in me that keeps on defending her, too, and just like myself, they just let me still get along with her after all that has happened.
I love her. I really do. She's a rare one for me. I even found comfort with her. I get to be open and transparent. We think alike most of the time, but sometimes we're just magnets: good and effective when near and not when far apart. I'd wish that we never met or went to the same college and got the same course (I have always known it wasn't her original choice but mine alone). One thing I hate, too, is when she discloses to everybody that our course has always been her dream since she was a kid, when in fact I knew that her mother asked my mother what mine would be before enrollment because we both wanted to proceed to medical school right after. And now... I am starting to hate her again. I know this might make me a bad person, but my guts really tell me she subtly copies some of my ways. From my fondness for dresses when we were freshmen, my love for everything white, the way I speak sometimes, my choice of words, and many little more, I couldn't sort! I know she might read this someday and may have a clue who I am talking about, but so what? You want the truth about why I am still mad at you sometimes? Well, here it is! And I have every right to.
I just wish that we didn't get close. She used to tell everyone I was her best friend when we were freshmen, and I was just silent all the time because we may have gotten close, but I didn't want anyone to be my best friend. You can't just call anyone your best friend in a short period of time (in my opinion). That's why she always got betrayed when we were in high school because she easily got herself attached! And sh*t, they even blamed me, like it was my fault that she found the wrong person again this time to be her best friend?! Did I sign up? Did we have a contract she only made?!
Man, this is so complicated! There's still more I want to express here regarding this, but I feel like I am running out of perfect words to tell them. I never had a boyfriend before (and I still don't want to, as a choice), and I thought I was free of relationship problems to think about, but here I am at 21! I am still struggling to shape a good friendship and to be a good one. I just pity myself sometimes because I have always been lonely and surrounded by betrayals, but really... I'm still too tight to have real ones.
Is it wrong for me to have such a thing?
all hate,
GERTRUDE
