expect the unexpected ↠ pacey witter

e i g h t

"Hey hon, I thought you weren't going to be back till later." Mom says from beside dad on the couch.

It's hard to force a smile right now, so I just shrug. "Just not feeling too good," I say honestly, I don't feel good. I feel physically sick, my stomach is in knots, and I have a headache. Probably from stress.

Dad sits up, a crease of concern on his eyebrows. "Oh no, what's wrong?" He asks.

"Just a stomach ache, I'll be okay. Im just going to head to bed." I say pointing upstairs.

"Okay, I'll check on you before I go to bed later okay?" Mom says and I nod.

       Shuffling up the steps, I fall into bed; dress, make-up, and all. I can't believe I did that. I cannot believe I told Pacey exactly how I feel. He knows I want him. God, he fucking knows and didn't reciprocate. The pity in his face makes me want to crawl in a hole and never leave. So much to getting over him, Pacey makes sure that is impossible. He's always there when I try to move on.

        There is a tap on my window, and I sit up quickly. Wiping my eyes, trying to understand what I'm seeing. Pacey is standing outside my window. I walk over, opening it so he can come in. Hands trembling because I have no idea what he is going to say to me right now. The look on his face is unreadable.

"What are you doing here?" I ask.

        "You just took off before I could say anything. I couldn't leave it like that." He says, and he eyes my bedroom door that's open. I walk over and close it, locking it just to be safe. I don't know what else to say so I stay on this side of the room just staring at him waiting for him to continue. "Claire," he starts.

       I close my eyes because I can't see him feel bad for me. I can't see the pity on his face when he lets me down easily. Years of a crush, all exposed by accident. I don't hear him, but suddenly his hands are holding mine and my eyes fly open.

"I need too look into your eyes so I know that you hear me say this and understand how I feel about you, and please just let me finish before you start talking," he chuckles lightly. He gives my hand a squeeze and I nod, letting him know I understand. He smiles down at me, but he looks nervous, and that makes me nervous. He clears his throat. "I have thought a lot about what you said, and I owe you an apology. I owe you an apology because I didn't realize I was leading you on until you pointed it out, because I did all those thing because it felt right. Reading your book, felt right. I have never said that about reading ever," he laughs, and I do too. "But reading because I knew it was something you loved and I wanted to share that with you. I made sure you were okay on the first day of school because I could see the fear in your eyes and wanted to do absolutely anything to make it go away. I think about you, all the time. I needed you to know this."

         I don't know what to say. I am not even sure I fully processed what he said. "That wasn't what I was expecting," I laugh, nervously. He gives my hand a squeeze again, reminding me that we're still holding hands.

"I know I dropped it on you on probably the worst time, and I really don't know what you'd want to do about this," he pauses, and pulls his hand from mine. "Or not do about this," he stutters out. "I'm just confused, and I'm walking myself up a wall here trying to figure out what to do."

"Do you want there to be something between us?" I ask.

He locked eyes with me, and nods. "I do, but —"

"Dawson," we say in unison.

         I look at my closed door, "what does Dawson think about you being here in my room?" I ask.

"He's working," Pacey says. "He closes tonight. Don't worry."

"Pacey," I say quietly. "I don't want to be a secret, I don't want to hide being with you if we do chose to move forward with our feelings."

       "You want to tell Dawson?" He asks.

       "I want to tell Dawson," I confirm. "I don't want to hide anything from my brother."

"I agree. I don't want you to hide anything from your brother, and I most definitely don't want to hide anything from him. I just don't think now's, the time."

       "Why?" I try not to let how upset that comment made me in my voice but like always he can see right through me.

        "Hey, no, no, no, no. It isn't what you think.," he says quickly. "Anything you're thinking it's not right."

         "How do you know what I'm thinking?" I ask, because I don't even know what I'm thinking.

        "I am kinda seeing someone," my heart shatters into a million pieces, "but I'm going to end it. I'm going to end it, because I want you. I want only you," he says. I want to believe him so badly. "Please, Claire. I was seeing her before you said anything. I had no idea you liked me, and the second you did it changed everything. I haven't seen her since because I've been trying process my feelings for you. I was so worried for so long about what Dawson would say that I pushed my feelings down so much that I needed to dig myself out again. I'm going to end with it her."

         "I don't know what you want me to say, Pacey."

          "I want you to say you want me back," he says and he's begging. I never thought that I'd hear Pacey Witter begging for me.

         I suck in a sharp breathe, hating that I am feeling weak and insecure. "I don't want to be anyone's second best."

His face falls, "that isn't what you are. Not at all, you were the thing that was too good for me to get. The one thing I don't deserve yet I'm still asking you to pick me."

"Why do you think you don't deserve me?"

"Because you are without a doubt one of the best people on this planet, and I land somewhere in the middle. Out of everyone in the world, that isn't very high, so you are way out of my league."

"Pacey, come on." I groan. "How do you not get it?" I practically shout, "how do you not see it?" I ask quietly.

"What?" He asks dumbfounded. "Get what? See what?"

"How much I want you," I say quietly. "How much I want you to be begging me like this for it to be real. I am clearly just the easier option right now, and it hurts to know you don't mean anything you're saying."

"Claire what are you talking about?" He says throwing my hands away in frustration. "You can't drop something like that and then do a complete 180 by the end of the sentence! This is real, this is not the easier option. Dawson is one of my favorite people in my life, he's been the brother I've never had. Do you think me telling you I want you is going to be easy? I could lose Dawson, I could lose you because of Dawson. This isn't easy, but it's worth it."

I sit on his words. I process them. He's making sense, he's making so much sense. Dawson isn't easy, Dawson is probably the hardest thing he's going to have to deal with. I look over at him, and his eyes are already staring right at me.

I walk across the room so I am in front of him again. He doesn't move when I stop inches from his face, I don't plan on kissing him, not like this. Our first kiss isn't going to be when he has someone else waiting for him tonight.

"You're worth it," he repeats. "If you want us, if you want to be together, I will talk to him."

He leans forward and I push back with my hand, "I'm not kissing you knowing someone else may be waiting for you tonight," I say.

"Fair."

         "You really want this?" I ask again.

         He inhales a sharp breath, that breaks into a smile. "More than anything."