Hear me Roar - English version

CHAPTER 30 - "Not controlling anything?"

"You are queen, you have pretty dresses, and it seems to me that you can do whatever you want."

"We will continue this discussion later. I need some rest."

               My last words are muffled in my tears as I come out of the tent. Outside, night has fallen. I cross the camp again, looking for a quiet place or a tree on which to let off steam. But, at the edge of the wood, I find something much more interesting.

- By all gods... Jaime Lannister...

♐︎

               The poor man is locked in a small cage barely big enough to stand up. His clothes are dirty, his hair previously golden as wheat took the color of the earth. The smell emanating from him proves that he has not been out of prison for weeks or even months.

"Lady Diana..." he calls me. "What brings you here?"

"I had things to do."

"Do you like the view?"

               He is only the shadow of the man I met two years ago in Winterfell. It is hard to see. Nevertheless, he still has that characteristic smirk. Proof that Jaime Lannister is not dead.

"I... I'd like to get you out of there" I entrust him.

"Why? It would only make you one more Lannister to bear."

"I don't like you very much" I confess. "Tyrion, on the other hand, wants his brother back."

"And you love Tyrion."

"I... I really appreciate the Hand but..."

               A small smile, more compassionate, is drawn on the lips of the Lannister. He managed to trap me. Tyrion and I spend a lot of time together, drinking, playing all kinds of games with Bronn, making plans. He is for me like the Iron Throne: always there but inaccessible. He is a constant, I know that he awaits my return at this very moment. But I also know he will never be mine.

"I don't think you have the right to torment me!" I reply with a small voice.

"Excuse my insensitivity" says the Kingslayer, raising his hands as a sign of resilience. "But you must understand that I have very little entertainment here. Apart from the dullard that brings me my meal, I don't talk to anyone."

"You are forgiven. Do you have any questions? I can give you news from the capital."

"How is Cersei?"

"True to form" I answer, bitter. "Since my father died, she has been regency alongside Tyrion."

"You don't like her very much..."

"Does this surprise you?"

               The only answer is that he shrugs his shoulders. Everybody hates Cersei because she's just unbearable. I can only admire her clarity of mind; she is one of the smartest people I have ever met. Even if she is alive, she remains petty, ready to do anything to save her place.

"King Joffrey..." begins Jaime.

"My husband" I specify.

"Should I congratulate you?"

"That's what a stepfather should do, right?"

               For long seconds, Jaime challenges me. I don't look down. Why would I do it? It's just the truth. My father understood that and was killed for it. The logic would be for me to act like nothing was to not suffer the same fate. Except I'm too revolted to shut up.

"So, Tyrion is the Hand" he suddenly let's go, which pulls me out of my daydream.

"Pending your father's return, yes. He's doing well."

"What about you? Are you okay?"

"I do what I have to do to stay alive. I guess..."

               For a few weeks, it's not that much. I killed a royal guard, fled the capital to find the number one enemy of the crown, spent time with the Brotherhood Without Banners. I'm not really an example to follow.

"I came to stop the war" I explain. "I will make sure you are released as soon as possible."

"You want to stop the war?" he repeats, incredulous.

               I've had enough of this internal conflict going around in circles. So, we'll keep it short, concise and move on:

"I left King's Landing to persuade Robb to give up on Tywin because Robb is going to lose somehow. And if it's not on the battlefield, Tywin will find a more insidious way. But most of all, I came to escape Joffrey and the battle against Stannis as they prepare. Everyone tells me that I chose my side, that I betrayed mines or whatever. The fact is, Sansa is alone there, I'm her only defense. The point is, I can run as I please, but she's stuck between Cersei's clows. Beyond that, the people need a strong and loving queen to compensate their incapable and self-centered king. And finally, there is Tyrion..."

"You seem to have a heavy heart" comments the Lannister.

"I have no idea what I am doing... Since my father died, I have no control over anything."

"It never occurred to you that this is exactly what you need to do?"

"Not controlling anything?"

"That's what I do."

"We can see that it works..."

               I look down on my dress. I always wear the clothes I wore when leaving King's Landing: a white dress on which metal plates were sewn to protect the most fragile places (my belly, and my chest) and boots. That's how I've dressed since the riot.

               My dress is now more gray than white, and my boots are worn, which gives the impression that I left for months. If that were the case, I wouldn't remember Tyrion's voice asking me to return safely. Just like I can't remember father's voice.

               I kept in mind the phrase he repeated to us: «When the snow falls and the wild winds blow, the lone wolf dies but the pack survives».