To Put On An Act [bxb]

Chapter 33 - i'm not here, this isn't happening

content warning: mild violence

Alex Hill fell into Min's pool on Saturday night, some time around 2 pm. Approximately ten minutes earlier, he'd sent Youngbin a voice message and subsequently blocked him.

If it hadn't been obvious from the voice message alone that Alex was extremely drunk (which it was), the video going around of him yelling and then getting hit in the face and being knocked out immediately convinced Youngbin that this was the case. So technically, the message should've meant nothing. Because Alex was drunk.

But Alex was drunk, and that alone had haunted Youngbin for the last two days. The amount of drunkenness. And the emotions this had amplified.

"I didn't ever wanna fucking talk to you again, but, like-"

Youngbin had listened to the message a couple too many times.

"Just wanted to let you know that you can fucking... that you can go fuck yourself."

The first few times to be able to discern what he was saying in the first place.

"You go fuck yourself 'n I'm gonna go fuck myself. And, uh-"

Then to make sure what Youngbin was hearing was correct, double checking each word.

"And- Don't go thinking that I- I don't- Y'know, I don't care about you, actually, and I'm not gonna care again, ever, and I'm not even gonna fucking remember who you are."

Then to listen to the background noises, to see if there was something worth picking up on.

"And if I have to fucking kill myself, I'm gonna stop thinking about you. 'N not give a shit about you. I already don't give a shit, by the way."

Then to hear his voice again. Because Youngbin hadn't heard it in too long. Even though he didn't like Alex' voice in this state, he still needed to listen.

"I can have anyone I want, too, Youngbin. So don't go thinking that I'm gonna cry after you forever. I'm not gonna. I'm not. So like, fuck you. Fuck me."

And after that, Alex didn't come to school. Again. Or still. But he wasn't there. And because there was a worry that this voice message would be the last he'd ever hear of him, Youngbin had listened to it again.

And had continued to listen to the version that had burned itself into his brain at every waking hour. He wasn't sure what that said about him, the fact that he was still thinking, kept thinking, couldn't stop thinking, but Youngbin tried to ignore it. Like he'd been ignoring every single Alex related feeling.

Sadly, having to concentrate on ignoring feelings so much made it difficult for Youngbin to listen to literally anything else around him. Including Tuesday afternoon English class. His track record in keeping a clear mind during this lesson specifically wasn't great.

Kaya nudged him in the side to snap Youngbin out of his thoughts.

"Helloo?" She leaned forward to get a better look at his face, eyes still lost, searching for something that wasn't there. "Lesson's over."

"Ah." He took a deep breath. Surely, the lesson was great and interesting and engaging. What a shame that he'd missed it. "Did we get any homework?"

"I don't know. I didn't listen during that part." Kaya got up, swung her bag over her shoulder. "I have to go ASAP, I have an appointment. Also, I'm supposed to remind you to get your history textbooks out of your locker."

She shot a finger gun at him, smiled, then swiftly turned and left the classroom along with most of the other students. Youngbin sighed, struggling to get up from his chair. He'd felt heavy. For the past week, but especially for the past two days. Heavy with worry and hurt and more things he didn't feel like giving a name.