Mango Tree Diaries

Who's Wife Is She Anyway?

It was warm Saturday afternoon at the Zakhele community hall, April was the perfect month for weddings. It was neither too hot nor was it too cold. I had an hour to spare and went about doing last minute checks, everything had to be perfect, a small outfit like mine could not afford serious mistakes. My brainchild, Kremlin Catering had to live upto its Russian namesakes reputation, and not to merely live off the scraps left behind by the big boys and girls of the industry.

We had put on a good spread; a bit of fried chicken ; curries; and the ever popular boiled beef. When in doubt, add boiled beef to the menu; simple and tasty, with a sprig of rosemary for a bit flavour. Your visit to Manzini is incomplete without a taste of my boiled beef stew.

The pungent smell of cannabis smoke reminded me that Roy, was idling about. He was a good driver and musician though he was at times, awfully lazy. I checked my watch and resolved not to have a go at Roy; he was bound to have dust cap on, in any case. Roy was balding and to conceal that he wore a variety of hats and caps; which suited me fine, he never needed to be reminded about dust caps. The girls were another story, it took each them about ten minutes to get ready; the five of us formed the core of a good team. Nellie and Zee had experience in the industry and then there was Sonia, a bit daft ; we usually stuck her and her pretty face close to desserts and things that weren't likely to require her too many answer questions.

The hall began to fill up; Roy was obviously hoping that there would be fewer than the two hundred guests. I often wondered which was worse, his appetite for free food ,or his laziness. The dreaded waiting game had begun; the speeches , both planned and unplanned, not to mention the hymns and songs. I commandeered matches from Roy and went out for a cigarette.

The wedding proceeded relatively smoothly Pastor Mamba was in full swing in his low pitched voice which amused the girls. I heard one them whisper the name "Barry White", it was almost show time.
"Congratulations Mr and Mrs Dlamini until infidelity; impotence; gossip and whatever else do you part" I murmured. I earned a livelihood from weddings though I was not particularly enthusiastic about marriage. My estranged partner was not taking calls and my ex had seen fit to ditch my son and I to start a new life with an obscure character in South Africa.

"Excuse me; pardon me man of God..." there was a collective gasp as a short; stout fellow with a clean shaven head made his way to the stage.
"I have a serious problem with these proceedings. You see pastor this lady; Judith is my wife; we were married six years ago under Swazi Law and Custom!" Things were getting heated and the guests began chattering among themselves.
" These are serious allegations" Pastor Mamba interjected
"Pastor this woman left home a few days ago telling me that she was going to a relatives funeral. I only discovered the truth when a former neighbour showed me a wedding invitation just yesterday".
The bride wailed and the groom stood rooted to the spot; he had clearly found something very interesting to look at on the floor. I feared for my crockery; these situations can turn violent in a matter of seconds.

Pastor Mamba after a brief pause; seemed to have recovered his composure; as he took to the microphone and called for calm. "My sincere apologies Vilakati; I was unaware that Judith was married to you. It is most unfortunate; that this has happened. The couple approached me to conduct this ceremony this afternoon and though you have stated your case; I have to let you know that Dlamini and your wife were married in court on Thursday".
Vilakati was livid "Thursday when you left house telling me rubbish that I never take time to listen when you're talking....go to Hell Judith"
The bride stormed off the stage squealing like a pig at feeding time ; while the groom continued to stand rooted to one spot eyes glazed as if he had tasted some of of Roy's cheroot.
"Ladies and gentlemen ,eh ,please feel free to help yourselves to the food and refreshments which have been prepared for you. Thank you". Boomed the good pastor before making a hasty exit, voluptuous wife in tow.

We swung into action; assisting where necessary, the party was over before it had begun. Some guests were too shocked to eat, some simply walked out of the hall. The remnant were abuzz about the bride and groom.
"How could she have done this to Dlamini?"
"How could Dlamini marry Judith ; knowing that she was already married and living with her husband?"

Sonia was a bit confused "Wait, I mean, so she was married to the bald man but she also married to the skinny man so...I mean?"
I had secretly given her the nickname; "The Weakest Think" for obvious reasons. Our Sonia could never be accused of quick thinking.
"What are you saying Sonia?" I asked stifling a chuckle
"I mean; whose wife is this anyway?? I mean you; you know what I mean???"