Eyes Off You

12.

Prettymuch Private Jet

Edwin

I couldn't believe we were on our way to New York. We were two hours into the flight. There was really no going back, and amidst the excitement and anxiety I felt about going home, I knew I was doing the right thing.

Austin was somewhere trying to sleep, while Brandon, Nick, and Zion were messing around with him. However, I sat by myself sipping on a glass of sweet white wine as I wrote in a notebook.

"Hey, what's up, you good, man?" Nick came to where I sat, and I nodded, "Yeah, man. Just writing."

"Oh, word? Can I take a look?" He took a seat opposite me.

"It's not complete yet," I handed my notebook to him, "I've just got the first verse and the chorus."

I watched Nick as he read what I'd written so far. I started writing it a few days ago thinking about Lennon.

"This is great, Ed," Nick looked up at me, "when did you start writing this?"

"Like a few days ago," I told him.

"Keep going, man, I think it's brilliant," Nick praised, and I smiled. I'd never tried a hand at writing songs, and this was a first, so it was nice to hear Nick say that.

"Thanks, man."

"So... how do you feel?" His voice was softer now. "New York?"

"Excited, nervous, it's just a mixture of a bunch of things," I told him honestly.

The wonderful thing about being in a band with these guys was that we got to know each other really well. We got to know each other so closely that we could tell each other anything. In the beginning, it was difficult for me to be open. I'd gotten so used to Lennon that I found it hard to share things or be vulnerable. However, as time went on and seeing the other guys, I was able to feel more comfortable to do so.

"What are you excited about?" Nick asked, folding his arms and leaning back in the seat.

"Being in New York," I smiled, "it's home for me. I'm excited to just be around. I can't wait to see my family and I'm lowkey looking forward to just hanging out there with you guys, too."

"Aw, how cute," Nick teased, and I playfully rolled my eyes.

"And what are you nervous about?" He asked.

"Lennon," I responded, "You know, calling her Lennon feels very foreign, I used to call her Lenzo."

"Okay, why are you nervous about Lenzo?" He chuckled, "I mean, I know, but I really want you to be able to search deep and say exactly what you're feeling. Kinda like you would a therapist."

I couldn't help but laugh, "You're literally like a parent, I love it."

Nick laughed, too, "I'm being serious, man."

"I know, I know," I grinned before letting out a breath, "okay, so nervousness, uh... I'm just worried she wouldn't want to have anything to do with me. I mean, I don't expect that she would jump excitedly when she sees me, but what will kill me, though, is if she never actually comes around."

"Let me start like this," he licked his lower lip swiftly, "What are you expecting?"

"I expect her to be mad and hurt," I replied after thinking for a while, "like, really hurt. I just can't tell the extent. And that's what makes me nervous. It's also facing her again after everything."

"I feel you, man," Nick started, "it's normal to feel anxious about this. This is a person who you were super close with. You're also in love with her. This is just one of those things where you actually never really know what the outcome would be like except by doing it.

"What happened sucks, but you're doing the right thing right now, Edwin, and that's what matters. Whatever happens, whether or not she wants to have anything to do with you or not, you just have to remember that you've done what is right by reaching out and trying to see her. Like, you deadass don't have to be here right now on this flight to NYC, but you are. And that just shows how sorry you are.

"But you have to also remember she's allowed to feel how she feels. It may not be the easiest thing, but I know that if it should be, then it would be. Plus me and the guys are here for you."

I took in Nick's words, letting it sink deeply, and I let out a smile, "Oh, wow. You guys are actually pretty wise."

Nick chuckled, "I know, I know, but then, you also come through with the words when any of us need it. B seems so much happier."

Brandon and Maggie broke up a little over a week after he told me they were having issues and that Maggie had to work through some things on her own.

"I'm glad he is," I looked over to where he and Zion stood, laughing.

Shortly after, Brandon and Zion ran over to where Nick and I sat, "Guys, we waited for Austin to fall asleep just so we can draw stuff on his face. Are you guys in?"

"I'm so down," Nick chuckled lowly.

"Edwin, you in?" Brandon looked at me and I couldn't help myself, "Shit, I can't say no, let's do it."

*
Lennon

"Why do I feel so awful?" I sighed just as me and Zee were about to have dinner.

Zee frowned as she poured herself a glass of juice, "You don't feel good?"

"Yeah, it's three days to the exhibition, everything's ready, this should be super exciting, but I feel so... bleh," I explained.

"When did you start feeling like this?"

"I woke up feeling like that," I shrugged, "I hate it."

"Hmm," she thought for a while, "Lemon, you feel like this before every exhibition you do."

"What? I—"

"Haven't you noticed the pattern?" She looked surprised. "Few days to your exhibitions, you start to feel some type of way."

I furrowed my eyebrows.

"Remember the first one you ever had to do?" Zee still looked amused, "You were full-on crying like the day before the exhibition. You weren't even entirely sure why. You just said you didn't feel like you should be there."

My mind travelled back to the first time I ever had to do an exhibition. Zee wasn't lying— I bawled. My mind visited the other times I had to do an exhibition. I didn't cry, but I would truly feel like I shouldn't be there.

"You mentioned once that you and Edwin would always paint together," Zee said softly, "do you think that has something to do with the way you feel before exhibitions?"

"No," I shook my head, "if that were the case, I'd feel like that every time I paint."

"Or," she looked at me, "maybe exhibitions are just a bigger deal, it's more recognition, and you feel some type of way because Edwin's not here to witness it all. And so when it's time to do an exhibition, your subconscious is more than aware, and it just pops up in different ways trying to let you know about this need that craves to be met."

I was quiet again for some time, and when I eventually could speak, I said, "Are you still considering—"

"The degree in psychology? Yes, I am," Zee chuckled.

"I never thought of that, Zee," I told her honestly, "I never even saw the pattern. Oh, God. This can't continue, I should be over the moon. Our dresses are amazing, and we will be at The Met, for heaven's sake!"

Zee chuckled, "I know, but hey, now that we're aware of this feeling and the trigger, we can always come up with ways to not feel like that in subsequent exhibitions."

"You're right," I sighed. I did wish Eddie could see me. I wished he could always be here to see how well I was doing. I couldn't help but feel like he would be very proud of me, but that thought was overshadowed by something else. Did he even remember me amidst all the fame? Did he still think about me? Did he miss me? Would he ever try to come to New York? Why was I still thinking about him?