When night fell

8 | becoming one

Teddy pulled on my earlobe. "I loved her very dearly, Benjamin. I was torn apart. Everything inside me was torn. I didn't think I could live again. And then Rosie came into my life."

Part of me didn't want to hear this side of the story, part of me craved to understand the things that went on in my life at this point. So, I looked up at him with questionable eyes, waiting for him to speak further.

"She changed me. She threw my world upside down. I wanted to live again, whenever I was near her. And I did not understand why. Or how. How could I fall in love with someone else, after losing the girl whom was supposed to be my wife in just a few days. With whom I had dreamed with, about our future, children even. How?"

I stuffed the chocolate bar in my mouth, stared outside the window of the car. People arrived, wearing pretty clothes- party clothes, coming to the wedding of my Papà and Salomé. I didn't necessarily think it was a party.

"Looking back, I know God was working through her to bring back my will to live. To make me see how beautiful life is, even when dreadful things happen. He gave me Rosie, so I could love again, use my tragedies to inspire and help other people." Teddy sighed, stared down at me. "It may not make very much sense now, Benji. Life is difficult. It just is. Simple as that. Everyone will go through hardships and what not. But what we do with our experiences is up to us. Will we use it to good causes, or will we let it take over our lives completely?"

"How can I make Mamma's death to good use?" By now, tears had formed in my eyes, I was frustrated by his words. "Papà will marry Salomé and then where is my Mamma in all this? God could just tell me to be nice or something, he didn't have to kill my Mamma."

"Benjamin.." Teddy reached for my hand when I tried to leave the car. I let him hold it. "I'm not saying that I understand everything in life, because I don't. But I do know that God never wanted to take Mamma away like that."

I chewed onto my bottom lip, the tears spilling freely, softly staining my trousers. "I'm sorry to God, I know he didn't kill my Mamma but sometimes it feels like that. Sometimes I just want to go to her and not be here anymore. I love Papà, but he moves on so quickly and what if I can't talk about Mamma ever again?"

Teddy embraced me warmly, kissed the top of my head. "Is that what you're afraid of? Just because Papà fell in love with someone else, doesn't mean your sweet Mamma is forgotten. No way. Never. She will forever be your Mamma. And I know that Papà would never be silent on her. If you feel the need to talk, talk. It's so important."

"But what about Salomé? She is my new mother from now on and I don't want to hurt her when I talk about Mamma all the time." My voice cracked, howled along with the sobs.

"Cowboy, I have talked to your Papà and Salomé a lot of times. They both found this new situation very difficult. Especially for you. They'd never stop you if you wanted to talk about Mamma, they even want you to. Salomé isn't replacing Mamma. On the contrary. She's standing beside her."

"Did you love your fiancé as much as Rosie?"

"I did. I do."

"I want Papà to love her less than Mamma."

"Why, sweet boy?"

"I can't explain it." I struggled with my emotions, my thoughts. I couldn't give them the right place in my mind.

"I know things are difficult for you. I wish I could take away some of the pain and we will be here for you when you go through all the steps. And you know what?"

"What?" I looked up at Teddy. He brushed my tears away with the pads of his thumbs.

"If you ever feel like a mean hamburger, just ring the bell and I'll get them ready on the grill."