Model For Me |l.s.|

chpt. 8

It's nearing the end of my break when I have a meeting with Simon. He looks disappointed, and I feel my body flush in waves of shame. I can't bare to meet his eyes.

"Do you mind telling me why you gained on this supposedly "beneficial off time" you so adamantly proposed?"

"I'm not sure why, sir. I just lost track of my diet, I guess," I say, my voice as small as I can make it. "I was hanging out with a friend. I wasn't being careful."

"Damn right you weren't," he scoffs. "Losing track of your diet can end your career, you know? One bad photoshoot, one bad angle, where you look a little bloated or a stretch mark can be seen, and you're ruined. Brands and designers will rule you out and never look at you again. And don't think I'm going to blow over the friend you mentioned, because I'm  out happy about that, either."

"I'm sorry, sir. It won't happen again," I try.

"Of course it won't," he agrees easily. "And to ensure that, I think it's best for you to stay away from this friend of yours. Nobody can understand what you have to do for this job. Nobody but me, you, your mother, and your dietitian. I've spoken to her, by the way. You've got a new diet. It's stricter, and it won't be easy, but that shouldn't matter. You should be hungry for improvement, not food."

"Sir, how much stricter? I only eat one meal a day, if that."

"You won't starve, don't work yourself up. I've spoken to her, she thinks it would be best to remove meat from your diet. The produce has to go, still no dairy, and some fruits have too much sugar. Stick to citrus, leafy vegetables, almonds for protein, and we'll give you an assortment of supplements to take each day without the calories. Your mum will monitor your eating habits closer, since it's difficult for you to control ourself."

"Okay," is all I can manage. Images of all the wonderful food I had with Harry flashes in my mind, but I shake those images away. My stomach clenches, and then growls loudly, and I blush feeling Simon's judgmental glare.

———

"Hey Louis," Harry said through the phone. I smile at his voice, feeling calmer. It's nice to talk to Harry, so uninvolved with everything that's going on here. It's a nice distraction. "I was thinking we could go hangout again today? Grab ice cream or something?"

My smile turns to a frown. I've had this planned. I've known what to say to Harry's next invitation to hangout. Just because I know I should do this doesn't mean I want to.

"No," I say. "I can't."

"Oh, that's okay," Harry replies easily. "When are you willing to hangout next? I'm free basically whenever. I can only miss you for so long," he jokes. There's a hollowness in my stomach that isn't just a result of not having eaten all day.

"Actually," I say quietly. I hesitate, but then I look down at myself, at my body, and I shake my head. "I don't think we need to hangout anymore."

"Oh? Has something come up?"

"Yeah. I just have a job to worry about, you know? I can't worry about making time for you. It's best we cut ties before I get back to working in a week."

"I mean, if you think that's what you need..." he trails off, sounding put off.

"I know it is," I tell him firmly. I've not sounded too convincing so far.

"We can't even text? Ever?"

"No, I guess not," I shrug. "You're not... you're not good for my image. Dating rumors only work for so long," I laugh forcefully. The line is silent for an uncomfortable amount of time.

"Your image?" There's a bite to his tone. There's no more warmth in his voice. He's still calm and respectful as ever, but he's certainly not happy. I can't say I blame him.

"Yeah, I mean, you know how it is," I say. My voice sounds wrong. It doesn't match up with the words I'm saying, or the emotions I'm feeling. My brain is screaming, kicking, begging for me to stop. To just hangout with Harry. But it's just not something I can do. My job, my life, comes first.

"No, Louis, I don't think I do," he says. "I guess I won't expect anymore calls from you. Just have your people call my people if you need to use me for fame anymore." Before I can get another word in, the line goes dead.

I slam my phone down, guilt settling in my gut. I've never said something so awful, and it just had to be to Harry, of all people. I bite at my nails, despite knowing I shouldn't. I want to call Harry back and tell him that I just said it to please my mom, and to stop being so tempted to eat like a pig. I want to tell him that I never used him, and that he's worth more. It's too late for that, though.

If all of our hanging out wasn't so centered around food, maybe things would be different. In another life, I can see us being lifelong friends, but in this life, I have a way I have to look for my job and I can't do that when Im with him. It almost makes me angry at him for nearly sabotaging my career. If it weren't for his persistence in getting food for me and cooking for me, I would have never put on that extra weight.

I did the right thing. I know I did. Maybe Harry is blessed with the absolute most perfect body, but that doesn't mean he can be so inconsiderate. I told him so many times that I was on a diet, that I had to look good, and he'd always find a way to make me feel pressured into eating, anyways. It's like he wanted me to fail. Maybe he did. Maybe he liked having me as a friend because he knows he's so much more successful than me. I thought he was humble, but maybe he was just insecure.